THE MACHINE*CUT TO THE CHASE*
NOTE: This spoiler was submitted by Jeremy
The film starts at a casino in Moscow, where a gangster (Jovan Savic) is watching the stand up routine of comedian Bert Kreischer (playing himself) discussing his infamous “Machine” story where he got involved with the Russian mafia while in college. The gangster claims Bert has something that belongs to him and is preparing to go after him.
The credits show the success Bert has found ever since his big story. However, his personal life has not been so simple. He is married to LeeAnn (Stephanie Kurtzuba) and has two daughters, Sasha (Jessica Gabor) and Tatiana (Amelie Villiers). They are in therapy, because Bert thinks they are “cunts”, while they have their own issues with him, such as when Bert livestreamed Sasha getting arrested when she went to pick him up because he was drunk.
The Kreischers throw a birthday party for Sasha, but she is unhappy because she wanted a small gathering with friends, and Bert invited people he knows. Complicating things further is the arrival of Bert’s estranged father Albert (Mark Hamill), who thinks his “Machine” story is a load of crap. After they start to argue, the two are approached by a woman named Irina (Iva Babic), who tells them they have to follow her, or the DJ that was hired will kidnap Sasha. Irina claims that “The Machine” stole a pocketwatch belonging to her father (the same gangster in the opening).
Bert and Albert are forced to fly with Irina to Moscow. On the ride over, Bert meets a man called Sponge (Martyn Ford), who has heard of his exploits as “The Machine” and gets into a slapping match with him. A flashback is then shown of Young Bert (Jimmy Tatro) in college in 1999 when he showed up on a trip with other classmates. Their teacher introduced them to a “banditi” named Igor (Marko Nedeljkovic), who brought Bert along to rob a train. With his limited knowledge of the Russian language, Bert made them think he was a legendary American known as “The Machine”, who made them laugh by quoting American pop culture like the Austin Powers movies or Beavis and Butthead. They ended up robbing some of Bert’s classmates, including his close friend Ashley (Rita Bernard-Shaw), who lost respect for Bert after that.
The Kreischers are driven through the city, where Bert’s image as The Machine is used to promote beer. They are taken to a bank where they meet Irina’s brother Vanya (Set Sjostrand), who is competing with his sister for control of the family business. A shootout occurs, forcing Bert and Albert to hide. Bert grabs a gun and attempts to stop Vanya, only to shoot him in the head, which causes a chain reaction where Vanya shoots another guy in the head, and that guy shoots ANOTHER guy in the head. They manage to get away with Irina.
Everyone then ends up on the same exact train that Bert helped rob, where they find someone they believe is Igor (Oleg Taktarov) and that he has the pocketwatch. The gangsters invite Bert to drink so that he can become The Machine, but Bert turns them down. Another violent scene occurs when Sponge betrays Irina and shoots her out of the train. Albert also pushes Bert off to protect his son while he is taken by the gangsters.
Bert is found by the real Igor (Nikola Duricko) and taken to his home with his family, where Irina is also found alive. Igor left the criminal life behind and settled down, and he also has the pocketwatch in his possession. Bert and Irina have a heart-to-heart over their relationships with their fathers, and how him livestreaming Sasha’s arrest made him realize the party guy image he had cultivated that made him famous is not who he wants to be anymore. Bert later has a mental heart-to-heart with his younger self, talking about the man he has become and the man he has to be.
Bert and Irina take the pocketwatch and go to rescue Albert, who is high on drugs and is being kept by Irina’s other brother Alexei (Robert Maaser). As another shootout happens, Albert hands Bert a handle of vodka so that he can become “the motherfuckin Machine” once more. Bert downs the liquor and engages in a fight with the other gangsters. Albert stabs Alexei in the chest before Bert fights the Russian gangster with his shirt off. Although Alexei is the better fighter, Bert manages to defeat him.
Irina and Alexei’s father arrives. When Irina presents him with the pocketwatch, he refuses to thank her or allow her to take control of the family because she is a woman. Irina responds by shooting and killing her father, which he appears to be proud of as he dies with a smile. The other gangsters are then forced to submit to Irina now that she is their new leader.
Bert and Albert return home on better terms, and Bert attempts to be a better father and husband. When he returns to therapy, he talks about having a life-changing experience in Russia, to which he begins to tell a new version of the “Machine” story.
Comedian Bert Kreischer (playing himself) has experienced great success thanks to his outlandish story, "The Machine", where he claims to have gotten involved with the Russian mafia when he was on a college trip. More than 20 years later, he has a less-than-ideal home life because his oldest daughter can't stand him. He also has an estranged relationship with his father Albert. A Russian woman named Irina then shows up and forces Bert and Albert to go to Moscow with her to recover a pocketwatch that belongs to her father that Bert stole in college.
Most of the Russian gangsters recognize Bert as The Machine, though he has tried to put that part of himself in the past. After Albert is taken by the gangsters, Bert and Irina end up meeting Igor, the gangster that got Bert involved with the mafia. He gives them the pocketwatch so they can get Albert back and kill the other gangsters that work for Irina's brother. Although she gives her father back the pocketwatch, he refuses to let her run the business because she is a woman, so Irina kills her father and takes control.
Bert and Albert return home on better terms, and Bert promises to be a better father and husband.