JAY & SILENT BOB REBOOT

*CUT TO THE CHASE*

NOTE: This spoiler was submitted by Jeremy

The film opens with Dante Hicks (Brian O’Halloran) going to open the Quick Stop shop. He is then grabbed by a whole SWAT team, who are there to find two suspects in the sandwich shop next door, Cock Smokers. After firing a smoke bomb, Jay (Jason Mewes) emerges. He does the Buffalo Bill dance before bringing out his hetero life-mate, Silent Bob (Kevin Smith).

Jay and Silent Bob go to court to meet their lawyer, Brandon St. Randy (Justin Long). He makes the two sign documents before speaking to the honorable Judge Jerry N. Executioner (Craig Robinson) and the Bailiff (Joe Manganiello). Brandon convinces Judge Jerry that Jay and Bob were just working in a temporary pop-up shop to promote a movie. After the Judge dismisses the two, Brandon immediately moves to defend a Prosecutor (Frankie Shaw) from Hollywood. It turns out that the documents that the two stoners signed where for Saban Films to legally acquire their names, since the studio is planning a reboot of “Bluntman and Chronic.” Therefore, Jay and Silent Bob can no longer call themselves by those names.

The duo go to Brodie Bruce’s (Jason Lee) comic shop to bemoan their predicament, as well as to ask what a reboot is. Brodie explains by means of mocking the new “Star Wars” movies. He shows Jay and Bob a poster for the new movie, which is called “Bluntman V Chronic”, with Chronic now being played by a woman. To top it all off, the reboot is being directed by none other than KEVIN SMITH. The three take time to make fun of Smith and his movies, before Brodie informs them that a big scene is set to be shot at the upcoming Chronic Con, which leads to Jay and Silent Bob to embark on another quest to Hollywood to stop the reboot.

First, the two stop at the airport to try and buy tickets, but they try to use fake names. It doesn’t work, and when they use their real names, the clerk (Molly Shannon) informs them that they are on the no-fly list. She refers them to RideMeNow, an app that will provide them with a ride. Jay and Bob steak the credit card info of a jerk named Ted Underhill (Ralph Garman), and then meet their driver, Todd Merkinson (Fred Armisen), whom Jay nicknames Merkin. They start to smoke a man-shaped joint when Merkin tells them he has never smoked weed. Silent Bob then pulls out a pack of special joints that he and Jay were saving for special occasions so that Merkin can experience his first bit of weed.

We are treated to a brief appearance by the angel Loki (Matt Damon), who takes a shot at Tom Hiddleston’s Loki before stating he was born again (or “Bourne-Again Identity”) and then transitioning to the next point in the adventure.

The guys stop at Mooby’s for munchies. Jay orders his food, but when Silent Bob goes up to order, he texts the cashier (Kate Miccuci) an eggplant emoji, making her think he is trying to proposition her. She pulls a knife on him before calling out the manager, Ms McKenzie (Jennifer Schwalbach Smith). She takes Silent Bob into the bathroom for sex, while Jay comes outside to see his ex girlfriend Justice (Shannon Elizabeth) on TV as a weather person. Jay recognizes his “Boo Boo Kitty Fuck” and wants to go find her. Unfortunately for him and Silent Bob, Merkin has been arrested for smoking.

Jay and Silent Bob manage to find a ride to Justice’s home. The two are knocked unconscious by two girls wearing hockey masks. They wake up tied up inside Justice’s house. Justice then reunites with the two before admitting that she thought Jay never visited her in prison because he was mad at her. He admits it’s because he wasn’t allowed to have sex with her in prison. Justice then reveals that she and Jay have a lovechild. She introduces him to her, Millenium “Milly” Faulken (Harley Quinn Smith), the same girl who knocked him and Bob out. However, Justice makes Jay promise not to ever tell her the truth. Before leaving, Jay mentions the trip to Chronic Con, which catches Milly’s attention. As the two leave, Justice introduces Jay and Silent Bob to her wife, Reggie (Rosario Dawson), who knows about Jay for unflattering reasons.

Outside, Milly and her deaf friend Soapy (Treshelle Edmond) find the two and demand that they take them along to Chronic Con. When Jay declines, the two threaten to murder him and Bob unless they do so. Now terrified, the two agree. They take a ride-share to Hollywood. Jay discovers that Milly is also a stoner, but he disapproves of it and makes her put it away. She then gives him and Bob chocolates that turn out to be highly potent edibles. This causes Jay and Silent Bob to hallucinate that they are talking to their heroes, Method Man and Redman. The two rappers give Jay a dose of parenting advice.

Jay and Silent Bob wake up to find themselves on the road in New Orleans. Milly and Soapy have brought along their friends Jihad (Aparna Brielle) and Shan Yu (Alice Wen). Now needing a bigger ride, the girls initiate a plan in which they lure a pedophile from a chatroom to steal his van. Said pedophile shows up, and Jay beats him up, which the girls were counting on. They proceed to take the van.

The gang drives to the Mooby’s drive-thru when Jay demands that Milly tell him why they want to go to Chronic Con so bad. Milly says Shan Yu is a huge Bluntman and Chronic fan, and with her travel visa about to expire, she wants to attend the event. The girls then admit they know each other through an online support group for girls who never knew their fathers. Milly tearfully wonders why her dad never cared to be around. Jay wants to tell her the truth, but Silent Bob stops him. Outside, Merkin starts angrily stomping on the van for his arrest. When Jay and Bob investigate, the girls steal the van and ditch them. The two get rid of Merkin and steal his car.

The guys find the van in a lot where a KKK rally is being held. The lead Klansman (Chris Jericho) presents the girls tied up as hostages. Silent Bob pretends to be the new Grand Dragon to distract them while Jay frees the girls. After they get back in the van, Jay drives it up with a portapotty and sprays the Klan with poop before they drive away.

The gang finally makes it to Chronic Con. As Milly heads with her friends to the panel, Jay parts ways with her and sincerely tells her that her father is an asshole for missing out on her life. Jay and Silent Bob then head to sabotage the film shoot, when they are stopped by Gordon the security guard (Diedrich Bader). He chases the two through many panels, including one with the original cast of “Clerks” and the stars of “Comic Book Men”, as well as one win Jason Biggs and James Van Der Beek talking about how being in a Kevin Smith movie ruined their careers. They finally manage to hide with their old buddy Holden McNeil (Ben Affleck). He shows the guys that he is still good friends with Alyssa Jones (Joey Lauren Adams), as she is developing his “Chasing Amy” comic into a Netflix series. Holden also reveals that he became a donor for Alyssa and her wife to have a child, but Holden still acts as a co-parent. He presents the little girl, Amy (Logan Lee Mewes). Holden tells Jay how great fatherhood is, which inspires him to give up on his mission and be a father to Milly. Holden hooks them up with VIP passes to get into the Bluntman and Chronic shoot.

The guys reunite with the girls and get them into the panel. Kevin Smith comes out to present a clip from the movie. It features Bluntman (Val Kilmer) appearing to get ready to fight Chronic (Melissa Benoist), but they instead get high with their butler Alfred (Tommy Chong). Milly notes that Silent Bob looks EXACTLY like Kevin, so after he goes backstage, Milly and Bob sneak back and knock Kevin out so Bob can pretend to be him. They use the opportunity to bring Shan Yu up to the stage. Unfortunately, Shan Yu reveals herself to be a Russian spy hellbent on destroying American pop culture. She dispatches her henchmen, all dressed like Bluntman and Chronic’s archenemy Cocknocker before knocking Silent Bob out and holding Kevin at gunpoint. Jay takes the moment to reveal to Milly that he is her father, which leaves her in utter disbelief (even though they are both dressed nearly identical at this point). Silent Bob then emerges from backstage as IRON BOB, who proceeds to beat up the Cocknockers. Shan Yu then employs a sonic disrupter, but Soapy is unaffected by it and knocks Shan Yu out. The rest of the convention goers attack the Cocknockers while Kevin (meta as ever) decides its the perfect time to wrap up this story.

Jay, Silent Bob, and Milly return home. They stand outside the Quick Stop so that Jay can spend time with Milly. She even starts learning his catchphrases (“Snoogans!”). As the three continue to hang out, Dante comes by and is annoyed that the shutters to open the store are jammed.

Outtakes are featured during the credits, with Jay and Silent Bob interacting with some fans and other former Kevin Smith castmates. There is also a touching tribute to Stan Lee in which Kevin is shown practicing what would have been Stan’s intended cameo with the man himself. As such, the film is dedicated to him.

After the credits, Jay admits to Milly that for the last 25 years, he and Silent Bob have been pranking Dante by putting gum in the locks.

Jay and Silent Bob learn that Saban Films has legally acquired their names since they are in the process of making a reboot off of “Bluntman and Chronic”, directed by Kevin Smith. The two stoners head out to Hollywood once more to put a stop to the project.

Along the way, Jay reunites with his old girlfriend Justice, who is now married and is raising her and Jay’s lovechild, Millenium “Milly” Faulken. She forces Jay and Silent Bob to take her and her friends - Soapy, Jihad, and Shan Yu - to Chronic Con where a scene from the reboot will be shot. On Justice’s behalf, Jay is unable to tell Milly he is her father.

After several mishaps, the gang reaches Chronic Con. Although Jay and Milly part ways, it takes some words from old friend Holden McNeil to convince Jay to stick around for Milly. They get into the panel where Milly and Silent Bob pretend that he is Kevin Smith in order to bring Shan Yu, a supposedly huge fan of Bluntman and Chronic, to the stage. She reveals herself to be a Russian spy trying to destroy American pop culture. Jay reveals to Milly he is her dad, and a fight breaks out with Silent Bob and Shan Yu’s henchmen before she gets knocked out.

Jay and Silent Bob return home with Milly, where Jay vows to make up for all the lost time with his daughter.