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YEAR ONE
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NOTE: This spoiler sent in by Kevin L.

The movie, set in a combination of prehistoric and biblical times, begins with a group of men walking through the forest. They are hunting prey when suddenly someone steps on a twig. This alerts the animal and it begins running really fast. As one man is about to stab it from behind, he suddenly gets stabbed in the back with a spear. Zed (Jack Black) screams out in delight that he has caught the prey but reminds everyone that this will be “our kill.” He finally realizes that he did not stab the animal and then protests that it wasn’t his spear, claiming his has feathers on it. One of the other men takes the spear out of his back, shows him the feathers, and then breaks it in half. Zed happily exclaims “Yeah I’ve got two now, even better,” as the rest of the men begin to walk off towards the village.

On their way back, the group encounters the rest of their tribe, who are gathering food. Oh (Michael Cera) has a basket full of strawberries when one of the men, angry from the failed hunt, knocks the berries out of his hand causing Oh to say “Well there won’t be any berries in the fruit salad anymore so I guess we all lose.” Oh then talks with Zed. It’s obvious the two are friends as they talk about their tribe and about Zed’s failed hunt. Zed then sees Maya (June Raphael) and goes over to talk to her. He mentions how much he is in love with her and she admits that although he is funny, it is not enough for her. She says she needs a man who can care for her and protect her. We then learn that the village is divided into two groups: hunters and gatherers. Maya claims that since she is only interested in hunters, and since he is not the best hunter, she will not go out with him. Zed protests but to no avail.

Back to the village where the tribe is preparing for the feast... As everyone is setting up, Zed and Oh sit in the corner in what is apparently Zed’s home. Zed complains how he is the best hunter and that Maya should date him. Meanwhile Oh is eyeing Eema (Juno Temple) claiming how beautiful she is. She is also Zed’s sister. Zed claims that she is okay and that when he slept with her, he found it too awkward. Oh is grossed out until Zed states “Then I tried it with my mother…mistake” Oh leaves just as another man comes and takes a dump right behind Zed’s house.

After the feast, everyone is dancing. Zed and Oh are sitting down talking to each other. Zed complains how sick he is of the tribe and states that maybe they should start a new tribe. He tells Oh he can be his right hand, which Oh promptly replies, “I’ve seen what you do with your right hand, no thank you.” Oh then sees Eema all alone and attempts to dance with her. He does okay and she starts dancing with him until Zed tells him to hit her in the head with a stick. Oh listens and smacks her on the head, causing her to grab the stick and beat him with it until she leaves. Zed then tells Oh that they should take a break and they walk away from the feast. They then run into the Forbidden Fruit Tree. Oh claims that they should leave, saying that they will be punished if they are seen near it but Zed is skeptical. He questions why it is forbidden and decides to eat the fruit. Oh is shocked that he would disobey the strictest rule they have in the village. Zed claims he has infinite knowledge now and asks Oh to quiz him. Zed passes on all the questions until Oh states “There’s a snake on me.” As the snake is coiling himself around Oh, Oh screams at Zed to do something but Zed offers ridiculous advice such as “Eat the snake before it eats you.”

Back at the village, Oh has somehow gotten the snake off and is recuperating. Meanwhile a bunch of tribe elders approach Zed and accuse him of eating the Forbidden Fruit. Zed denies it until a witness comes forward and then he admits he had a bite. The elders claim that he is cursed and that he must leave now before he curses the whole village. Zed states that he is cooler than everyone and then asks if someone wants to join his awesome tribe. No one takes the offer so Zed grabs a torch and prepares to leave. As he is about to, he turns around one last time and asks, causing him to light a house on fire, sending the villagers into a panic. Zed runs off, chased by several hunters and Oh. Zed hides but a hunter finds him and is about to kill him until Oh knocks out the guy from behind and saves him. Zed is excited that Oh is joining him on his journey, thinking that the pep talk motivated him. But the fact is that Zed lit Oh’s house on fire, destroying all his belongings so he has nowhere else to go.

The next day, the two reach the mountains where the villagers claimed the world ended. However, they see a whole valley below them and are excited. As they are walking down, they spot footprints. Zed then spots poop and begins touch it, examining it, and even tasting it. He finally concludes that it is bear poop and moves on. He then sees a big yak out in the clearing. He shoots it with an arrow, but without an arrowhead, it has no effect. He then takes his knife and jumps on it but is quickly thrown off. As Oh goes to see if he is okay, they run into Cain (David Cross) and Abel (Paul Rudd). The two brothers accuse Zed of hunting their flock but Zed claims he was just observing them. The two brothers then quickly start arguing over the gifts they offered today to God and Cain accuses Abel of being a suck up. They being to fight and Cain smashes Abel’s head with a rock. Cain gets up in horror, wondering what he has done but when Abel regains consciousness, he does it again (and again) until Abel is dead. He then tells Zed and Oh that they saw nothing, which they quickly agree to because they don’t want to be killed. Cain then invites them home for dinner.

As Cain loads up his wagon, Zed and Oh are fascinated by the wheels on the cart. They happily climb on and treat the ride back as a roller coaster, screaming happily. But by the end of the trip, both are sick and end up vomiting. When they go inside for dinner, Adam (Cain and Abel’s father) questions Cain about the whereabouts of Abel. Cain denies ever seeing him while Zed and Oh pretend they do not even know who Abel is. After dinner, Adam invites Zed and Oh to spend the night, telling Zed “You may share the bed with my daughter Lilith.” Oh eagerly asks where he will be sleeping only to be told, “You may share the bed with my son Seth,” to which Seth enthusiastically responds “Thanks Papa.” As Zed climbs into bed with Lilith, he begins seducing her. We quickly learn that she is a lesbian, although Zed doesn’t understand what that means, despite repeated explanations by Lilith (I only like women, I’m not attracted to men, etc.) Meanwhile Oh is kept up all night by Seth’s constant farting and laughing.

The next morning, Adam tells Cain that Abel is still not back and they are organizing a search party. Cain agrees to help and states that he will come later. He then convinces Zed and Oh to come with him, saying that since they are outsiders, they will be accused. As they are getting ready to leave, Adam and the others discover Abel’s body and come after Cain. A funny sequence ensues where Cain and his father Adam have a “daring chase” where Zed screams out that he is going to fast despite the fact that there are people walking past the wagon. The three eventually escape and go to a nearby village.

At the village, the two discover Maya and Eema. It turns out that the fire attracted the local hill people who captured the entire village and enslaved them. Zed promises to get them out just as a man comes up and asks if they are interested. Zed and Oh say they want to buy these two girls but don’t have money. Cain comes over and says he will take care of everything but ends up betraying them and sells them into slavery as well.

As Zed, Oh, Maya, Eema, and many other slaves are being transported in a cage through the desert, a group of men suddenly come out and attack the hill people. All the hill people are killed while the new group recaptures the slaves. Maya and Eema are captured, but Zed and Oh are able to escape. They keep watch on the camp, stating that they will rescue the others when the warriors go to sleep. However, they end up falling asleep and when they wake up, the whole group of men are gone.

As Zed and Oh are walking through the desert, they come upon Abraham about to kill his son Isaac (Christopher Mintz-Plasse). Zed screams out to stop while Abraham insists that he was only playing a game, despite Isaac’s screaming. Abraham then invites Zed and Oh back to his village.

At the village, Abraham warns Zed and Oh of the surrounding villages, saying they are evil and corrupted. When Zed asks why, Abraham states that they are evil because they party excessively, eat and drink too much, and have women there who are whores and will do anything for anyone. Zed claims that he still fails to see the evil in these villages and then asks which one of the two villages has more whores so that he can “avoid that village.” Abraham warns that God will strike down these villages but when he mentions the names of the two villages, Zed recognizes the name as the group of people who attacked them in the desert. They decide to go to that village later, once they are rested up. Outside, Abraham comes up to them and states that God has told him something else, that he needs to remove the extra skin from his penis (circumcision). Zed and Oh are horrified but Abraham claims it is God’s will and says he will do it to himself and all the villagers, including Zed and Oh. As Abraham runs inside to get his good pair of scissors, Zed and Oh flee. They continue running until Zed notices someone behind them. Turns out Isaac was following them and tells them he knows how to get to the village they’re looking for because he has partied and drank and smoked there before. They get to the village and are outside two massive doors. Zed is hesitant to knock on them but Isaac assures them that he is a regular and it will be okay. He bangs on the door loudly until two soldiers come from behind and grab Zed and Oh. Isaac laughs, saying that he tricked them as he runs away. The soldiers bring Zed and Oh inside.

They are brought before one of the senior officers. One of the soldiers asks if they should wake the commander but the senior officer insists he can handle it and begins slapping Zed. He then goes over to Oh and gives him a very painful titty-twister, causing Oh to scream and wake up the commander. The commander angrily asks who screamed and they all point at Oh. The commander grabs a long rod with spikes and then tells them both to turn around and bend over. He is about to punish them until Cain saves them. Turns out Cain enlisted as a soldier in this army. He rescues the two and begins showing them around the village. He claims that this village has the best nightlife ever. It is obvious that he is telling the truth as there are people making out and doing dirty stuff left and right as they keep walking around. Then a girl catches Zed’s eye and she begins to seduce him with a banana (very hot) causing Zed to exclaim that he really likes this place and that he and Oh will stay. Cain convinces them to enlist as soldiers because he claims that the perks are amazing.

The next morning, all the soldiers line up before the general. Zed and Oh run around, looking for their place until the general screams at them to line up and Cain points them in the right direction. The general then screams out “Present arms” as everyone does except Oh who claims that he didn’t know he was supposed to grab a sword as well. Later, as the three are walking around the village, the princess comes through, being carried by a bunch of men. Everyone immediately bows down except Zed, who is very confused and continues standing while the princess is being carried by. They make eye contact and she smiles until a soldier forces Zed onto the ground to. Oh asks where everyone is going and Cain replies that it is a sacrifice at the temple and that everyone needs to go.

At the temple, we learn that there has not been rain for a long time and the people are starving. The princess, whose name is Inanna (Olivia Wilde), refuses to eat the food in front of her, claiming she can’t eat when her people are starving. She also scolds the king for sacrificing all these women, questioning how it is going to help starvation. The king ignores her and orders his high priest to choose a virgin to sacrifice. The high priest goes through a handful of women, dismissing one immediately because there is no way she is a virgin (this girl looks really slutty) He finally chooses one and throws her in the fire as the audience roars.

After the sacrifice, Cain remarks how glad she is for that woman, stating that she has been runner up three times in a row. Zed and Oh are both horrified by the sacrifice and Zed vows to do something about it. Suddenly Zed and Oh are approached by a handmaiden who states that Princess Inanna wishes to see them, leaving Cain behind. At the palace, the two separate with Zed going with the handmaiden while Oh is left with a creepy unich (man without any testicles).

It turns out that the princess is very much interested in Zed and has invited him to a party tonight. As Zed is walking towards the party, he asks the handmaiden how his hair looks. Suddenly she flips off her veil to reveal herself…it’s Maya. She angrily scolds Zed for breaking his promise and only caring about getting with the princess instead of working out how to free them all. Zed claims the he was thinking about that but Maya doesn’t believe him and they go to the party. Zed sees all these gold statues, stating, “They look so real” until he touches a girl and realizes it’s not a statue. He then sees Oh as a statue and goes over to talk to him. Oh is very disturbed because the unich showed him his testicles and then did a very “thorough” job in covering Oh with gold paint so that he could be a gold statue. Suddenly Zed sees Eema being harassed by another solider. He immediately yells at Eema to stop being so lazy and get him that drink he asked for. The soldier recognizes Zed (the soldier was part of the group that captured these slaves in the desert) but Zed quickly runs away to avoid further trouble. Meanwhile Oh sees Eema and begins forcing small talk. He then says they should hang out and asks when she is free to which she responds, “Um never, I’m a slave.”

Zed finally meets the princess face to face. She tells him that she is so interested in him because he did not bow down to her today, that he stood out, that he was different. She claims all her life she has been looking for the “Chosen One” and she believes that he is it. Zed immediately thinks that he is going to have sex with her and leans in for the kiss but instead she just grabs his hand and says, “Follow me.” Meanwhile the high priest has spotted Oh and is instantly attracted to him, even though the high priest is a man. He gives Oh clothes and gets rid of his paint and then orders him to rub oil on his chest. The high priest rips off his shirt to reveal a jungle of chest hair. As Oh is rubbing it in, Eema passes by, causing a hysteric Oh to scream that it is not what it looks like. The high priest then takes Oh to his back room. They pass by the “Forbidden Room” that only the high priest can enter because anyone else who enters it besides the high priest will receive instant death. Oh questions about the builders who built the room but apparently they were given a 5 second window to get out. Oh learns that no one cleans and that there are probably a lot of dead bugs in it and it is dirty. The high priest tells him to stop this foolish questioning and orders Oh to give him another oil bath. As they leave, the princess and Zed come out the other hallway. The princess claims that since he is the chosen one, he can go into the forbidden room without dying because it’s his destiny and she is dying to know what the inside is like. Zed takes a deep breath and walks into the room.

In the room he finds Oh. Turns out Oh has been hiding in there for the past two hours to get away from the high priest and he has not been killed. Oh then angrily criticizes Zed for not doing anything, for breaking his promises, and for messing everything up. He then questions if there really is a God due to all the bad luck they have been having. Zed gasps and then swears to Oh he will change. He then prays to God, asking for rain to the village so innocent virgins do not have to die because “we need our virgins.” Meanwhile Oh is messing around with a statue and accidentally breaks off the statue’s penis.  He then prays to God, saying that if God does truly exist, Eema will love him. When Zed is done, the two walk out, only to be confronted by the high priest and several guards who immediately arrest Zed and Oh.

In the prison, Zed is chained to the wall while Oh is chained upside down. Oh is still angry at Zed, claiming that he never thinks about anyone but himself. Zed tries to apologize but Oh will hear nothing of it. He just wants to find a way to escape so that he can free Eema. He then cries out to the guard for a bathroom break but the guard ignores him. Oh then pees and since he is hanging upside down the pee trickles down into his hair, mouth, and nose (very disgusting).

The next day, Cain reads out a long list of crimes and claims that Zed and Oh shall be stoned to death. Zed cries out that they should take turns throwing stones at them and only one at a time. First Zed picks the unich, who throws his testicles at the two. Oh then chooses a little kid, only to have the kid throw three rocks at his head that really hurt. Cain has had enough of this and orders everyone to throw out but Zed screams out that he is still alive despite entering the forbidden room so he must be some sort of God. The crowd yells for the two to be freed and the king announces that these two will not be stoned, but be put into slavery until they die from starvation and/or exhaustion, much to the crowd’s delight for some odd reason.

As Zed and Oh are working, another sacrifice takes place and the whole village is ordered to watch. The princess again scolds the king until he reveals that she is to be sacrificed. She stares at him in amazement while he quietly mocks her, stating that he cannot put up with her complaints any longer. The queen vehemently protests until the king orders her to be silent or she will be sacrificed too. The queen immediately shuts up. Zed and Oh see that not only will Princess Inanna be sacrificed but also her two handmaidens, Maya and Eema. In a desperate attempt to save her, Zed jumps from a balcony, only to land on a wooden structure, causing it collapse and kill a guard. Oh screams out that it is a sign from the gods and that Zed truly is the chosen one. This causes the people to revolt against the guards, completely overwhelming them all. To make matters worse, Abraham and his people come in too and begin killing all the soldiers. The king is killed and many of the soldiers are overwhelmed. Zed grabs a sword and shield and beings fighting off the guards while Oh rescues Eema. He takes her inside the empty building and basically confesses his love for her, stating that last night with the priest was nothing and that he left her all these dead birds as gifts and so on. Halfway through, Eema tells him to just kiss her already and they passionately kiss.

Meanwhile, the fight rages on outside as Zed kills soldier after soldier. The princess escapes but the high priest grabs Maya and threatens to throw her in. Oh and Eema then come out with Oh proudly stating that Eema is no longer a virgin and cannot be sacrificed. He then grabs the jug of oil and throws it on the high priest’s face, blinding him and allowing Maya to escape his grasp. The high priest then stumbles too close to the fire where the oil catches on fire and he falls in. Oh leans over and states “How ironic” before throwing the whole oil jug in the fire pit. Suddenly the general comes up and viciously attacks Zed. Once again though Oh saves him as he knocks out the general from behind after missing him and hitting Zed with a stone.

When the fight finally ends, it begins to rain. The people immediately praise Zed, claiming that he is the chosen one and that they will worship him forever. Zed enjoys this until he looks over at Oh and realizes how wrong he has been. The rain suddenly stops and Zed asks if they really believe he is the chosen one. He says that anyone can be chosen, as long as they have the right company. Everyone becomes happy with that and start cheering wildly until it begins to rain again, bringing out even more cheers.

Zed and Oh begin packing up to go their separate ways. Oh and Eema are going back to their old village where Oh will be the head of the village. Meanwhile Zed and Maya decide to explore the country and will start by exploring Egypt. As they say goodbye, the both realize that they will probably never see each other again. Oh promises to tell stories about Zed and Zed promises to never forget Oh. The two embrace in a hug, and keep coming back for handshakes before finally parting ways. Oh leads Eema and all the villagers out one way to restart their village. Zed and Maya go the other way, with Zed looking up and thanking the princess for all her help. Zed and Maya walk out of the village together amidst cheers as the movie ends.

   


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