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VAMPIRES SUCK

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NOTE: This spoiler was written and submitted by L.

TheMovieSpoiler's Note:
I usually don't allow personal opinions in the spoilers I post but "L" is such a prolific submitter and the consensus for this movie is that it's horrible so I'll allow it... this time.

Writer’s Note:
This is one of the “X Movie” movies (Epic, Disaster, etc.) As such, this spoiler will be funnier than the actual movie because: 1.) This movie was not funny. 2.) These people should not be encouraged to make any more movies and boycotting it will do the world of film a favor 3.) Please. Please. Just see Inception for the twentieth time. It’s still just as good as the first time. Just to reiterate: This. Movie. Is. Sh*t. They don’t make movies 90 minutes unless they suck (example: Jonah Hex)

Timeline of Events.

Saint Salvatore Festival – What would you do to save someone you love? Becca runs through a crowd of vampires to stop her boyfriend Edward from disrobing. A fight occurs between Team Edward and Team Jacob fans. The Vampires put on sunscreen and drink true blood as the lead vampire (Ken Jeong) stares at Edward’s Disco Ball. They order his death as the young girl flies through the air to save him. The screen cuts to the title as two vampires fly to attack her.

Becca used to live with her mom in Phoenix but has to live with her dad because her mom is banging Tiger Woods. As they drive to town, a young girl is seen running away from a pale vampire who grabs her roughly and starts sucking her blood. They say holy shit but drive right by and forget about it as soon as they are out of sight. Her dad tries to make small talk but she doesn’t care that her hair is longer than he remembers. She starts listening to Emo music.

As they drive into town, she notices that Vampire Weekend is playing at the local club. Knowing how terrible a band they are, she decides that this town is weird (ignoring the fact that the dentist’s office has fangs in the picture and that hobos will work for blood). She can’t put her finger on it.

She hasn’t lived with her father in years. He hasn’t changed her room since she left and it still has her crib and dead hamster, a skeleton on the hamster wheel. He tells her to play with her dolls and she sees her dad’s sex doll among them: It’s been lonely since her mom started banging Tiger. He puts a pacifier in her mouth and tell her to come and meet some people who are very excited to see her. He just doesn’t get her, but that doesn’t stop him from putting her in a baby chair before introducing her to his friend in a wheelchair (she says he looks good, but he’s pissed he’s a cripple who can’t use his penis) and his son, Jacob.

While Frank takes his crippled friend out and beats him mercilessly on the road, Jacob and Becca talk. She once gave him a prostate exam. Becca says it’s a shame they aren’t going to school together before Frank and his crippled friend return. Frank gives her a truck (which she says won’t help her get over her abandonment issues) and wheels his friend onto the road to die. She opens the truck door and hits Jacob in the face. He scratches his ear with his foot behind his back, which Becca notices and he passes off as puberty before promptly pissing on a fire hydrant (dog style). Jacob sees a cat and immediately starts chasing it into the woods before cornering it and eating it.

Becca goes to school and parks in the spot for “Misunderstood new students with angst and crappy old trucks.” As she walks to school, she goes over how angsty she is while people laugh at her and tell her she dresses like: 1.) A man 2.) A Virgin 3.) A Lesbian. Someone throws eggs at her back and cheerleaders come out of nowhere to kick her. Repeatedly. In the shins. A random Asian guy arrives and punches her in the face, introducing himself as the Eyes and Ears of the prison. He tells her he can get her anything: cheat sheets, HGH, and even stolen organs from people in Mexico (Still Beating Hearts are his specialty). She tries to brush him off but he correctly identifies her as one of those self hating loners. She says she’s a sour puss that hot guys find irresistible.

Jennifer, future prom queen, says she’ll be her bff but if she touches her boyfriend’s penis, she’ll cut Becca with a very large knife (They show it – the knife, not the shameless plug for teenage mutilation). Becca is drawn to the entrance of the Sullens,  a clan of adopted yet incestuous group of teens. Their skin is ice cold, sleep in coffins, they feed on human flesh and practice incest. Vampires. Or Canadians.

Becca asks who one of the Sullens is and, after a quick look at the Jersey Shore Guidos posing, Jennifer tells her that it’s Edward Sullen. He’s obsessed with himself and is an uppity better than everyone super skank. Becca and Edward hit it off instantly. Jennifer calls them out for Eye Fucking, which makes Becca self-conscience.

Edward starts acting funny in class and the Professor tells her to have a seat next to the boy who she is fated to have a fatalistic attraction to while spawning a series of 4 books and a movie franchise. She sits down to him while he wears a HAZMAT suit to stop smelling Becca – she smells like sauerkraut. But it’s just her lunch.  They chat about the weather. Edward wants to figure her out. The Professor pulls out The Vampire Diaries so they can read biology. Becca is confused but he tells her Vampires are super trendy. An apple, a baby and a bowling ball fall out of Becca’s bag. Edward kicks each up and juggles them before letting the baby fall on the apple and the bowling ball fall on the baby.

Across town a fat man is ambushed by a ginger vampire and a shirtless vampire who works at Abercrombie and Finch part time. A black vampire shows up and tells the fat man he wants to eat something, so the fat man gives him Cheetos. The ginger tells the fat man the drapes do match the carpet. They ask if the fat man knows who they are. He confirms that he does: They are the Black Eyed Peas. The Shirtless Vampire instantly starts ranting about how he’s white and there are no white guys in the Black Eyed peas. He goes to attack the fat man but the fat man punches him in the face – He’s a Mixed Martial Artist. The Fat Man beats the shit out of the Shirtless Vampire and gives him a titty twist before the other two vampires step in. The trio ends up eating the fat man.

Edward stalks Becca after school. Another car swerves and almost hits her but Edward uses the Asian kid as a barrier – his neck and arm are broken (and Edward took a bite out of him). As he dies he curses unrequited teenage love as Edward moodily walk away.

Becca drives her car home and talks about how much she couldn’t stop thinking about him and his amazing dexterity (and possibly large penis). Jacob arrives, having heard about the accident. He gives her flowers and balloons telling her about his love for her and desire for her to be the mother of his children. She turns him down and says that he’ll LOVE her little gay brother. He tells her to stay away from Edward. Jacob runs away with the camera focusing on his tail.

Frank talks about the killing and grabs a shotgun. They found the Fat Man’s body drained of blood and covered in bite marks: The Kardashians are back in town. Frank goes off to hunt down and kill them, giving Becca pepper spray. He tells her to mace him as practice. She does and he screams, blinded by the mace. He tells her to hit her attackers in the ball, and she kicks him in the nuts, hard. He then tells her to rip off the moustache. She does so and it hurts. He passes out from the pain.

That night is a full moon. Edward is creepily watching her from inside her room. He uses Crest whitestrips. He tells her she’s dreaming and then promptly tells her to go back to sleep while he takes off the hair curls. She starts having a nightmare about her favorite television show before spewing saliva out of her retainer. She has a sleepwalking tantrum and starts trying to fight Edward before slumping back in bed – exhausted. He tells her that hearing her breathe is the greatest gift ever. She farts and he falls out of the window. Presumably from joy.

Becca asks herself if Sullen is human. She sees his business card which confirms he’s a vampire but decides to ask anyway. Jennifer and her friends (which includes the somehow alive Asian kid) and tell her that Prom is the pivotal moment of all girls and that the theme is vampires. Edward gloomily looks at the table and Becca tells him that they need to talk. They moodily walk together away from the school and into the woods.

Becca wants to know what’s with Edward: His skin is cold, he dresses fashionably and he abstains from sex (she knows he’s gay). He tells her to say it outloud (“JONAS BROTHER”) and Edward is confused and says he’s a vampire. He asks what vampires like to eat. She hands him a box of Count Chocula cereal. He knocks it away and tells her that she needs to know what he really looks like by exposing himself to the sun. He’s shiny – from all the bling. He tells her he’s a killer before shooting a random blonde girl in the forest. Becca is texting Jennifer about how yummy he is while he kills a squirrel and sucks its blood. He tells her that he wants to eat her – she’s cool with it. Most guys aren’t into that.

Edward explains that the Sullens can control their thirst to only hunt animals. Including the real housewives of Atlanta.  Edward doesn’t know if he can control himself around Becca. He pushes her against a tree but Becca tells him that she’s into him and his trashy, heroin user chic look. She wants to be with him. He tells her that he can read everyone’s mind but hers. She reiterates her declarations with the age old adage: you’re pretty so you don’t need to be smart. Edward is delighted and asks her to prom. She says yes as the squirrel comes back to life as a vampire and attacks Edward.

Becca is in her room thinking about how awesome Edward is and how much better American Idol is with Ellen before focusing on her desire to hump the shit out of Edward. Edward arrives. He wants to try something. Becca tells him she loves role playing as Barrack Obama in bed (with a mask). He tells her not to move and moves closer. They press foreheads and she begs for a kiss. They kiss but Edward’s kinda ecstatic having never gotten to first base before. She tells him she wants to go all the way. Edward says he’s wearing a purity ring, which she sucks off, eats and turns into a tongue stud.

He tries to stop her from going all the way by hitting her in the face with a vase. That turns her on: she likes it rough. Edward wants to go for her dominatrix get up but he tells her he’s trying to protect her by not banging her. He throws her through the roof of her house and she lands with a concussion. He tells her that they need to take it slow. Necrophilia is a touchy subject. Her teenage hormones but she’s conflicted about her virginity. He promises that as long as they’re together, she will never get hurt – until a pot hits her the face. And bricks land on her.

The Evil Vampire trio are pursued through the woods by Frank and his crippled friend (using Jacob as a hunting dog). The Hunting party deduce that they are hunting the obvious – immigrants. They show the big picture of the fat man being killed by the Evil Vampire trio. Frank is reminded that they are hunting vampires.

On her 18th birthday, Edward brings Becca over to the Sullen house. She mentions that she dated a black guy which makes things awkward for Edward. They offer her finger food as Edward introduces all of his family. Edward tells Becca that Iris can see the future. Iris hands Becca some Tampax. Her period is coming early. Edward’s brother Jeremiah is hungry and can barely control his blood lust. He sees her as a hamburger. The Sullens give her a present which she cuts her finger on, losing a shitload of blood. Edward throws her through a wall to take care of Jeremiah. She hits an artery and loses a lot of blood, pouring it into cups. The rest of the Sullens start trying to drink her blood but Edward traps them in tanning beds. Edward complains that they always try to eat his girls. An asian delivery guy shows up to leave some Chinese food and Edward makes the remaining Sullens eat him – They only have 30 minutes before they will be after Becca.

Edward is convinced she will never be safe. Becca tells him to make her a vampire. She’s 18. Practically a cougar. He tells her he can’t because they are super good looking and rich and look like George Clooney. Apparently, the only part of a vampire that ages is their ass. He tells her not to do anything reckless. She promises not to date Chris Brown.

Edward leaves her in the forest. She calls out to him but he’s gone. Becca falls down and has a tantrum. When she looks up she sees the Evil Vampire trio. She tries to mace them but they duck and she maces Buffy. Buffy stalks off , pissed. The Vampire trio start trying to feed on her while Edward swings back to fight them. Edward versus the Trio’s leader, Jack. He decapitates him with an aluminum bat. Jack’s head hits Frank’s squad car. The Kardashians at it again.

Becca is dying from the vampire poison. Edward has to suck it out. He keeps sucking until he has deflated her whole body. She survives this ordeal and Edward leaves once again. She goes home and starts reading he’s just not that into you.  She can’t get Edward out of her mind. Everyone starts wearing his hairstyle. Even snowmen. Without Edward, her life was over. She would scream at night in a megaphone from her nightmares. Frank comes in to find out what’s going on. He checks her Angst levels and confirms it’s over the level set by Secret Life of An American Teenager. He admits he’s a bad father and tells her to get over Edward, the best piece of ass she’ll ever get. He tells her to hang out with Jennifer before retiring to his room with the sex doll.

Jennifer leaves Breaking Dawn before the end and ruins the ending for everyone in line while mocking vampires. She leaves Becca to be beaten up by scary biker dudes who hit on her. Edward appears and tells her to go away because they are dangerous. She become a risk addict. Jacob visits Becca before she can run her motorbike off a cliff. He now looks like a dog and he tells her he’s a man. Jacob asks her on a date, cuts the brake line on her motorbike so that she can see Edward. He tells her to stop singing Taylor Swift style and drinking milk when she is lactose intolerant and ends up swerving off the road. Jacob arrives and asks what the hell she’s doing. She’s bleeding so he takes off his shirt and reveals his hairy chest and ten teets. He runs off to get help.

The black member of the Evil Vampire trio finds her and wants to eat her. He puts tobasco sauce on her. He tells her that the ginger was recast. He offers to eat her fast as she runs away. Jacob arrives and transforms into a Chihuahua. Jacob’s brothers arrive to help beat the vampire up. They dance to “It’s Raining Men” which disturbs everyone. The werewolves tear the vampire apart with their bare hands and eat the corpse. Jacob emerges and looks incredibly attractive to Becca. He picks her up and takes her home.

Edward watches Sex in the City while eating a crap ton of Ben and Jerry’s. Isis finds him and apologizes for trying to drink her blood. She tells him bad things are coming for Becca but Edward tells her that he’s over Becca and has found a person who is as big of a freak as him: Lady Gaga. Maybe too freaky…

She tells him about Becca’s suicide attempt. Edward is alarmed that Becca could be dead and wants to find out. Jacob gives her some tea and gives her “Reboung Guy Iced Tea” in a steaming mug. He randomly takes off his shirt and explains that his contract says that he must every 10 minutes of screen time looking at the audience. He puts on cologne, turning Becca on. She feels conflicted but can’t help staring at his abs. He tells her that he’d never leave her like Edward did. She admits that she feels safe around him. She then admits that with Edward it’s all about lust and her vagina. The phone rings. It’s Edward asking for Becca’s father. Jacob tells him that Frank is at the funeral  (he thinks it’s Becca’s, not the black guy from the Vampire trio). Iris has a vision about Becca in bed but Edward went off to kill himself.

Iris goes to find Becca. It’s the night of the prom and Jennifer and Rick are getting trashed in her limo. She throws champagne at Becca’s head, crashing it on her head. Isis tells Becca to get in her car and they drive to stop Edward. Explaining the situation, Becca is turned on by Edward’s desire to die for her. Jacob jumps on the car and tells her that he wants her to choose. Just as she’s about to make her choice he sees a cat and runs off after it. She doesn’t understand what’s going on. Isis tells her that the Zoltori are the head vampires and that the Zoltori will be at the Prom.

At the prom, the Zoltori get drunk and kill at random. They arrive and Becca runs in to save Edward. Cue intro to the movie. Becca runs toward Edward as Vampire assassins go to kill him. A vampire assassin misses Becca by an inch as she lands on Jennifer and Rick.  Edward is in the sunlight sparkling as the sun goes down. It’s twilight. And there’s a new moon. And an Eclipse. Edward tells everyone at school to look at him and his wrinkly old ass. He sees a lucky penny and goes to pick it up. She tells him they need to go and Edward gets dressed and they run.

He promises to never leave her. The Zoltari pick Edward up by his throat and Becca tells the head Vampire, Ken Jeong, that they haven’t had sex yet. Ken Jeong and Edward fight as the school dances. Frank arrives to see his daughter. He ignores that she’s in danger and she tells Frank that vampires did all the killings. Frank and his cripple friend leave (with the cripple flipping her off for revealing he’s a werewolf). A slow song comes on and a teacher makes Ken and Edward dance to the song before they start fighting again. They pose for a very compromising photo before throwing condiments at each other. Ken signs Edward’s yearbook before Edward stomps on his head.

The Zoltari demand that Edward surrender to save Becca’s life. Ken tells him that Edward must pay for exposing himself. Ken tells Edward that in exchange for his life, then Becca must be made into a vampire. Edward resists but Ken tells the other vampires to brutally kill him, so he relents. She offers himself to Edward for the bite when the principal announces the prom king and queen: Jennifer and Rick. However, they are ousted for cheating and disqualified. Jen knocks Rick out and storms out. The Principal randomly chooses the Zoltori as King and Queen and they accept. They take the crown and Ken tells Edward to bite Becca. She’s ready. Edward tells her that he’ll only turn her into a vampire if they get married. She accepts. He bites her and she orgasms, now a vampire. Team Jacob arrives and kills Edward.


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