THIS MEANS WAR
NOTE: This spoiler was submitted by Joanna.
Two CIA agents, FDR Foster (Pine) and Tuck Henson (Hardy) are in Hong Kong on a covert mission to apprehend an international criminal Heinrich.
The agents enter a party, giving their names and covers (cruise ship captain and travel agent) to a woman, however, they explain they must leave because they have work to do. A fight soon ensues when a trade is being made with the henchmen, resulting in Jonas, Heinrich’s brother, to fall from the top of the building onto a car, killing him. FDR and Tuck return home.
Collins (Bassett), has a meeting with FDR and Tuck, reprimanding them for the job they did, grounding them because Heinrich will be seeking revenge.
Lauren (Witherspoon) is a product tester with seemingly no romantic life. While jogging, she runs into Steve (an old boyfriend) and his fiancé. She lies to get out of the awkward situation, telling them that she has to go meet her boyfriend Ken. She goes into a sushi restaurant, and we see that Ken is the waiter at the sushi bar. She’s a regular there, and Steve and his fiancé come in and find out that she was lying and eating for one.
In the supermarket with her best friend Trish (Handler), they discuss how she gave up everything and moved to be with Steve and it didn’t even work out. Trish tells her that she should try online dating, which Lauren is afraid to do.
Tuck and FDR are at a family function when Tuck opens up to FDR and tells him how he wants to be in a relationship, which FDR can’t relate to.
We find out that Tuck is a father, and at a Karate match, his son Joe, gets beaten up. Joe wonders why he’s there in the middle of the day, and also believes his father is a travel agent. Joe’s mother picks him up, and Tuck tries to arrange them all going out to eat as a family, but she tells him that she has a date, upsetting him.
Later at home, there’s a commercial for an online dating website itsfate.net. FDR thinks it’s sad, but Tuck is paying attention.
The next day at work, everyone is treating Lauren strangely. Then she sees an online dating profile that Trish set up for her on her computer, but it’s dirty and clearly not her. She wants to cancel it, but just then she sees Tuck’s picture and they have a date set up.
FDR wants to go on the date to make sure everything’s ok and to spy.
Lauren and Tuck meet up. Both are smitten with one another at first sight. He thinks she’s beautiful,and she loves his voice. She apologizes for her crazy profile, but he thinks it’s funny. He tells her about Joe (we find out he’s 7) and she asks him if he’s a serial killer. They seem to be having a great time. She tells him that she’s going to rent a movie and go home. In the rental place, she runs into FDR! He tells her not to rent a certain one and they start flirting as he picks out movies for her to watch. She starts to impress him with her movie knowledge and calls him out on his game scoping out women and leaves.
At the office, FDR has someone hack into the rental movie’s database, lying that it’s about Heinrich, to find Lauren.
At work, Lauren is giving a presentation to a focus group when she sees FDR sitting in the back and he starts to chime in and flirt with her in front of everyone. She agrees to go on a date with him to get him to leave.
FDR and Tuck are at the office both looking up information on their women they show her to each other when it’s revealed it’s the same girl! Lauren Scott! FDR offers to bow out saying it wouldn’t be fair because she’d want to date him over Tuck. Tuck says no, and they’ll just let Lauren decide. They decide on ground rules don’t let her know they know each other, stay out of one another’s way, no sex, and if it affects their friendship they walk away.
Meanwhile, we see Heinrich talking to a man about getting a suit made. His face is in the shadows. He’s there to get information about where FDR and Tuck are and finds out Los Angeles.
Tuck has taken out Lauren to a carnival/circus and are having a good time, all while FDR keeps calling Tuck to no avail. He takes her under the big top and they start swinging on the trapeze together. They fall on the net and start to kiss.
Later on, Lauren calls Trish (who is having sex with her husband in the living room while eating cheetos) to tell her that she feels weird about dating two guys at the same time.
At the CIA office, Tuck is trying to get information on FDR’s license plate to locate where he and Lauren are. They go into a very popular club where everyone knows him. She decides to leave and they argue outside the club thinking that he’s immature, but as she starts to leave she sees Steve with his fiancé and starts to kiss him to save face. Steve interrupts them, and Lauren introduces him as the surgeon she told him that she was dating earlier. They awkwardly leave and Lauren and FDR decide to get pizza so she can explain herself. We find out that Steve cheated on her and that’s why they broke up.
In the office the next day FDR finds out that Tuck was spying on his date through the computers. They both say that they really like her and neither one will back down. Tuck tells FDR that they kissed, acting like it was a huge deal, and FDR tells him that they kissed as well.
They each develop a CIA team to find information on Lauren that will give them the advantage. The teams think that she is somehow connected to the Heinrich case so they agree.
They each sneak into Lauren’s house while she’s alone to find information on her hilarious scene with her dancing around not noticing they’re all around her.
In the office they are told there’s information on Heinrich that they need to pursue. They go to a strip club where there’s a private poker game going on in the back. They say they’re friends with Heinrich and then there’s a shooting spree/fight going on among the groups. This continues through the strip club, and FDR and Tuck work together, but fight over who really caught Ivan (the bad guy).
The guys are uncomfortable around one another and talk to their respective groups about what they are finding out about Lauren who’s she calling and texting, and also about her interests and where she grew up.
Trish and Lauren are at her house talking, but the house has been bugged so they can hear what they are talking about (them of course). They listen to their conversation together. Lauren is talking about how gorgeous they are, and then moves onto flaws FDR has tiny hands and Tuck is British. She gives herself one week to make a decision on who she wants to date.
They each start taking her out on dates based on what they learned about her (fast cars and paintings by her favorite artist). While talking about the paintings, FDR is being fed what to say to impress her about each painting. Tuck interrupts the feed to make FDR sound ridiculous when he’s talking about paintings.
They start to spy and listen in on her conversations again and they hear Lauren talk about how FDR is “always on” and probably only cares about himself. After hearing this, he takes her to an animal shelter to change her mind, and a dog starts to attack him (very funny). He says he’s going to adopt a dog so he can be responsible for someone else, which impresses her.
Tuck hears Lauren say that he is too safe, so he takes her paintballing where he acts crazy to “capture the flag.” Then she accidentally shoots him in the crotch.
Lauren tells Trish that it’s time for a sex tie breaker, which they both hear her saying. They tell each other that they won’t have sex with her because of their agreement, but it looks like they are each going to break that promise.
Tuck takes Lauren back to his apartment, and they start to kiss, with FDR watching on surveillance, and FDR has his man set off the sprinklers.
\The next night FDR takes Lauren back to his apartment and after they kiss and she leaves for the bathroom, Tuck shoots him with a tranquilizer dart in the neck. He’s passed out on the couch by the time she gets back.
At the office the next day, Tuck and FDR argue right before they go in to interrogate Ivan. They start to make fun of one another (safe and small hands) in front of Ivan, who basically just tells them that they’re going to die.
FDR takes Lauren home to meet his grandparents. Nana takes Lauren aside to the stables where she sees lots of pictures of him as a kid. FDR’s parents died in a car crash when he was 9, and Nana tells her that since then he’s had a hard time trusting people, but he must trust her. While eating, Nana tells some embarrassing stories about him. He takes her home and walks her to her door, but she takes him inside and they have some passionate sex, all being watched on surveillance by the CIA agents.
The next morning Lauren is getting ready for work, and she and FDR have an awkward conversation. She calls Trish (small hands are not an issue) and tells her that she’s going to cancel with Tuck now, but Trish tells her to keep dating him too since guys do it all the time.
Tuck asks the agents for the surveillance tape, but they try to not give it to him. He asks what’s on it, and the agent spills it that they had sex in a covert way.
FDR, now a changed man, is at home watching Titanic, when his doorbell rings. It’s Mya, a flight attendant, who comes to hook up with FDR on Tuesdays. He turns her away, wondering what’s happening to her.
He talks to Tuck, telling him that he not only had sex with her, but literally slept with her for the first time ever.
Tuck and Lauren go to pick up Joe at school. Joe mentions Uncle Frank (FDR) and Lauren asks them to come to work with her. She has them test out products with her and Joe and Lauren seem to really like one another.
FDR is watching the surveillance cameras with the agents and they see Lauren and Tuck passionately making out and Tuck destroys all the cameras. Lauren tells him that she’s not who he thinks she is and they don’t go through with it.
Lauren and Trish talk the next day and Trish tells her to choose the guy that’s going to make her the better girl.
FDR and Tuck talk in the office, each wanting Lauren. Tuck tells him that their friendship is over and FDR says he already has asked for a transfer. Lauren calls Tuck and they talk in front of FDR, and they plan to meet up in a half an hour. Tuck leaves to meet her while FDR starts to pack up his things. He walks into the surveillance room where they’re watching the video from the night before. FDR sees on the tape that they were being watched by Heinrich. He races off to find Tuck.
He goes to the restaurant where Tuck and Lauren are eating. Lauren introduces them and they start to gently mock one another in front of her. Lauren runs off to call Trish and tells her to get to the restaurant. FDR tells Tuck that Heinrich is there in LA and they need to get on it immediately, but Tuck doesn’t believe him. They get into a fist fight in the restaurant, while Lauren is in the bathroom giving herself a pep talk with no idea of what is happening. She comes out and sees the two of them lying on the ground on shards of broken glass and hears them say they were friends. She gets angry and they try to explain, but it’s too late and she leaves.
Trish picks her up but they are rear-ended on both ends by Heinrich and his henchmen. Tuck and FDR leave the restaurant and Tuck’s phone is ringing with Lauren’s number. She’s on speaker, and they’re arguing when they hear Heinrich talking to them saying he will kill them unless they come to a warehouse where he’s headed in one hour. FDR had put a tracker on Lauren so they steal a car and go after her. They jump from car to car on the highway to get Lauren in their car causing Trish to fly her car into a lake.
FDR and Tuck tell her their true identities and put her back in the driver’s seat during the high speed chase. The guys make up in the car as they’re shooting at people and Lauren calls herself Yoko. Heinrich is still after him and his car is bullet proof. Lauren tells them to shoot the headlights, causing his car to fall off a bridge, killing him.
Meanwhile, Joe and his mother see the chase on tv. They are shocked as they realize his true identity.
At the site, Lauren breaks up with Tuck, telling him that she was going to do it earlier at the restaurant. FDR and Tuck make up and FDR goes to be with Lauren and they kiss.
Later on at a karate match, Tuck punches the dad of the kid who keeps beating on Joe (since he’s always cheering him on to do so). His mother reintroduces herself to Tuck as Katie and they go out as a family for dinner.
Tuck and FDR are in a plane. FDR is on the phone with Lauren and it’s been revealed that they are engaged. He tells Tuck he wants him to be his best man even if it’s awkward since they slept together. He tells him that it’s poetic justice since he once slept with Katie. Tuck tells him that he never slept with Lauren and he only let him think that to make him jealous he yells “You slept with my wife!” and attacks him as they jump out of the plane.