NOTE: This spoiler was written and submitted by Sandee.
Wally Mars (Jason Bateman) is walking the streets of NYC, on the way to meet his BFF, Kassie Larson (Jennifer Aniston) for lunch. At lunch, she shows him a graph with a declining line. This is her fertility chart. She has decided to use a sperm donor and have a baby, despite being single. Wally tries to talk her out of the idea, but she tells him that she’s tired of waiting, tired of hearing how it is supposed to be, and is ready now“Life is in session”.
Wally tells his friend and co-worker Leonard (Jeff Goldblum) about Kassie’s decision, and Leonard wasn’t surprised that Wally wasn’t pleased. He asked him if he “went all Wally” on her about it, meaning he shot down her idea, and dissected it, and basically was negative. Wally says yes.
Wally and Kassie go to her friend Debbie’s birthday party (Juliette Lewis). Kassie meets Declan, a handsome writer/director and is considering him as a sperm donor. Wally sees them flirting, and takes her outside to talk. He locks her outside on the balcony, and sends Declan to an imaginary address in a bad part of town. He again tries to talk her out of using a sperm donor, but she is adamant and they argue on the way home. Wally asks why she never considered him as a donor, but she tells him it’s because they are best friends, and that would be too weird. They can’t agree on her decision, and Kassie says they need a “time out” from each other.
Weeks later, Wally comes home from work and has an invitation from Kassie: it is to her Insemination Party. He goes, and gets really drunk. He spills food down the front of his shirt, and Debbie gives him an “herbal” pill she stole from her mom, to help him relax and have fun at the party. He takes it with more alcohol, and is wasted. He meets Roland at the bar; Roland (Patrick Wilson) is blond, handsome, and Kassie’s sperm donor and wearing a Viking helmet for the party. Roland is married, and his wife is at the party, too. Debbie toasts both Kassie, for her decision to be a mom, and Roland, for being a willing donor. Roland goes back to…provide the sperm. Wally needs the bathroom, but is occupied, so he goes to use Kassie’s master bathroom. He is so drunk, he can hardly stand. He sees a plastic up on the counter, and realizes it is Roland’s sperm. He starts playing with it, pretending to dump it down the drain…and a knock on the bathroom door startles him, and he drops the jar in the sink, spilling the contents. He is aghast at what he’s done, and in his drunken state, decides to replace the contents with his own sperm. He looks through the stack of magazines in the bathroom, and finds one with Diane Sawyer on the front, and he unzips his pants and begins the process.
The next morning, Wally is hung-over, and vomits in the lobby trashcan in his building. At work, Leonard asks him what happened: apparently Wally showed up at Leonard’s place at 3am, saying crazy things about “a Viking and Diane Sawyer”, and he threw up. Leonard sent him home in a cab, but Wally has no recollection of any of this, and has no idea of what he’s done.
Kassie and Wally go to a play, and at intermission she tells Wally that she is pregnant. She decides to move home to Minnesota to be near family, and although they swap emails and Christmas cards, the two fall out of touch with each other.
Seven years later, Kassie moves back to NYC with a great new job. She invites Wally to see her and meet Sebastian, her son. Wally wants to meet without Sebastian, but Kassie insists. She tells him to bring a giftSebastian collects frames, so Wally takes a frame from his desk, throws out the photo, and brings it. They meet for dinner at a favorite Chinese restaurant where Wally has pre-ordered a special $84 duck dinner for the 3 of them. Sebastian (Thomas Robinson) is a cute 6 year old, but looks sad and seems quiet and almost depressed. He refuses to eat the duck, as he saw a show on TV about how commercial ducks are raised. They all eat rice with soy sauce, and while Sebastian eats it, he moans with joythis catches Wally’s attention as he does the same thing when he eats. Sebastian refuses the frame from Wally, as without the picture that comes with a new frame, he doesn’t want ithe can tell it is a used frame.
Kassie asks Wally to help her out and baby-sit Sebastian for a few hours while she goes to a parent-teacher meeting at his school. Wally refuses, but finally agrees to do it. The two go to the zoo, and talk about their hypochondriac-like tendencies. Sebastian also tells Wally that there is a bully at his school, and he is bigger. Since it is a no-win to fist-fight a bigger guy, Wally suggests that when he finally has to take him on, to act crazy, insane. He explains that people are afraid of crazy people, and he won’t get hit. Sebastian smiles, and the two clearly understand and like each other. On the subway home, a girl tells Wally that his “son” looks exactly like him. He explains that he isn’t his son, but she insists that they are exactly alike. At home late that night, Wally watches TV and flips the channels: he sees a show with Diane Sawyer, and is surprised to get an erection.
Kassie is in contact with Roland, the “seed donor”. Roland is recently divorced, and is interested in Kassie. They meet, and the two hit it off, and begin dating. Sebastian doesn’t like Roland, and tells him so. Roland is very athletic and sporty, and doesn’t have anything in common with Sebastian.
Wally talks to Leonard about Sebastian, and they both start remembering the night of the insemination party. Leonard recalls Wally saying something about “trading Diane Sawyer for the Viking”. He thought it was a football reference, and didn’t think too much about it. The two piece the clues together and Wally realizes he hijacked Kassie’s pregnancy, by refilling the cup with his own sperm. He wants to tell her the truth, and Leonard tells him it could be bad. If he does, he could lose them both and be hated by Kassie; if he doesn’t tell, he’ll never be anything more than Uncle Wally. He leaves and goes to Kassie’s; they go outside to talk, and he tries to tell her, but can’t. She tells him she is seeing Roland, and they are going to go away to his cabin in Michigan for a weekend. Wally is sad, and realizes he may have missed his only chance to tell Kassie. He also realizes that after 13 years of being best friends, that he is in love with her.
Sebastian invites Wally to his birthday party; it is at an indoor rock-climbing facility. Sebastian refuses to climb and isn’t having any fun. He wanted his party at an animal shelter, where dogs go before they are to be killed, but Roland talked Kassie into this party instead. A guy makes Sebastian climb, and he gets up too high, and panics and yells for help. Roland climbs up to him, and rappels with him down. Sebastian yells at him and calls him a big monkey and declares this is the worst party ever. Wally asks Roland to go for a drink, and they talk. He tells Wally that he is serious about Kassie, and will keep trying to win Sebastian over.
While working late, Wally gets a call from Kassie: she is out of town with Roland at the cabin, and left Sebastian with his friend for the weekend. Sebastian has lice, and she needs Wally to go pick him up. She gives him all the instructions necessary, and he sets to de-lousing the apartment and Sebastian. At bedtime, Wally tucks him in, and asks why he likes to collect picture frames, but not put any photos in them. Sebastian picks one and tells him a story about the people in the picture that came with the frame. Sebastian has a made-up story about every photograph. One is “his dad’s brother” and Wally understands his need for family. Sebastian asks about Wally’s dad, and Wally tells him his dad left him when he was really little, and doesn’t know anything about his dad or his side of the family. Sebastian gets up, looks at the frames, and selects a special one: it is of a father and his young son is on his back. He gives it to Wally, and tells him he can keep it. Wally and Sebastian smile.
In the morning, Kassie arrives back home as the boys are making pancakes. Kassie thanks him and as they talk, she tells him that she and Roland are getting serious and may move in together. Wally tells her this is a bad idea, and Kassie gets angry, telling him that she is trying to be happy, and make a life. He wants to explain…and before he can, Roland comes in, and his opportunity is lost.
Wally is at home, and is sad. The doorbell rings, and it is Sebastian, all by himself. His face is bleeding a little, and he tells Wally that he tried acting crazy, but the bully hit him anyways. They were at a party 20 blocks away, and he walked to Wally for help. Wally takes him home to Kassie, and finds he is interrupting a formal brunch that she is having for Roland’s visiting family. Debbie takes Sebastian in the kitchen and applies a bag of frozen peas to his face. Roland invites Wally to stay, and quickly shows him an engagement ring--he is going to propose to Kassie at the party. Wally tells Kassie they need to talk, right now, and as they begin, Roland starts the story and proposal. Before he can get to the proposal, Wally apologizes for interrupting, and, in front of everyone tells Kassie that he is sorry, but he hijacked her pregnancy, and replaced Roland’s sperm with his, and that he loves her. The party is silent--Kassie walks out of the room, and he follows. In the kitchen, she slaps him in the face and tells him he will never talk to either of them ever again. Sebastian offers him the frozen peas for his face.
It’s 4am, and Wally goes to Leonard’s house. He fills him in on what happened, and Leonard congratulates him for doing the right thing. Leonard tells him he needs to go home now, and Wally says, “They are my home”.
Wally looks sad and tired as he leaves work. He sees Kassie waiting outside for him. She tells him that he can see Sebastian, and that he really misses Wally. She also tells him she didn’t accept Roland’s proposal…and Wally begins to smile. He asks why, and she explains that she turned him down “because he isn’t you”. Wally’s grin gets HUGE, and he asks “Will you marry me?” Kassie answers, “Probably”, and Wally kisses her.
Next, we see Wally barbequing in the backyard of a house on the river, across from NYC. He takes the food inside, and it’s Sebastian’s 7th birthday party. Lots of happy people are there, and Kassie brings in the cake with the lit candles. On top of the cake is a photo of Doug, a 3-legged dog in the shelter that is next to be euthanized. Sebastian refuses to blow out the candles until someone agrees to adopt him. There is silence, and then Debbie agrees. Sebastian smiles, and blows out the candles. The room has photos in frames: they are full of pictures of Sebastian and Kassie and Wally….and one of Sebastian’s “uncles” (the photo that came with the frame). Photos that show a very happy family.
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