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SPOILER ARCHIVE

SHAOLIN SOCCER

movie trailer (apple.com - quicktime)

NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by kettir who says... "I took this from watching the original Shaolin Soccer with subtitles. This is the complete movie, so people who see the cut up version will now know what they missed. This can't really express the wonderful not-quite-right subtitles and the great moves and comedy. I recommend the original version with subtitles if you can get it."

The movie opens with the earth in space and a shaolin monk's head behind it, then artwork of shaolin warriors with soccer balls imposed on it, and music playing with some credits.

We see two young soccer players in a locker room, Hung and Fung. They are arguing over a check which one of them has received and accepted in order to lose a game (it's not very clear in the subtitled version but I think possibly Fung has taken a bribe of some kind.) Fung is nicknamed "Golden Leg" apparently because of his soccer prowess. Fung is mean to the other player. Then we see the game. Fung is about to shoot for a goal and he does, but misses. The other team wins. The crowd goes wild with anger. Many people run out onto the field and attack Fung and kick and beat him while Hung watches and smiles evilly.

Hung walks on and transforms into his older self, who is now a rich and powerful soccer team owner, 20 years later. His team, called the Evil Team (seriously) has won the gold medal five years in a row and a match is coming up. He walks across a soccer field as reporters badger him. He and his entourage walk into a room where soccer players are hanging out, and he calls for "Golden Leg" who is now his lowly servant, doing things for the team. Hung had promised him a coaching job but refuses to give it to him and tells Fung that he is worthless and that Hung was the one who arranged for Fung's leg to be ruined by the angry mob all those years ago.

Fung walks down the street, drinking and feeling sorry for himself. He sees a boy collecting trash, but while he's collecting trash, he's doing kung fu type exercises. The boy criticizes some players they both can see on a nearby streetside TV screen. The boy walks toward Fung who suddenly sees an aura of fire around him. The boy offers to give Fung kung fu lessons. He says he is a post-graduate student working to effectively develop Shaolin kung fu while he cleans the streets. He presents his card--the "Shaolin Orthodox School Mighty Steel Leg".

Then a young woman walks down the street with her nose in the air and slips on a banana peel. The boy says if she knew kung fu she wouldn't have fallen and we see an Old Shaolin Kung Fu Master in robes slip on a banana peel and make a great save instead of falling.

We see a woman trying to parallel park her car but there's not enough room to maneuver. Again we see the Kung Fu Master, who hits a loaded wagon and pushes it sideways into a parallel parking position between other carts.

We see a young man trimming some trees and doing a terrible job of it and being yelled at by his boss. We then see the Kung Fu Master running through trees and cutting them up with his sword. He flies up and cuts some characters over the door of a temple. Out of the temple door come a bunch of monks who pose, and then the scene fades into the street and the monks transpose into businesspeople who get up from their pose and walk away. Fung has turned into a monk in robes listening to the boy talk about how he needs a way to package the true meaning of kung fu.

Fung takes off his robes to reveal his regular street clothes. Fung throws his beer can at the boy, who kicks it up into the sky and out of sight like a meteor.

Fung walks off and the boy continues to pick up trash along the street. He sees a pair of wonderful soccer shoes in a window and then looks at his own ragged shoes and is chased off by the store owner. He performs some amazing tricks on his way to dropping off the trash, like kicking huge weights up onto stacks to help someone out.

He walks on until he sees a girl making dough balls of some kind to cook and sell. She is doing these kung fu kind of moves while making the dough. and we see yin yang symbols appear in the flour. He is mesmerized by her kung fu moves.

He doesn't have enough to buy some dough balls, but he sings her a song about how impressed he is and how she is beautiful although we see her face is somewhat deformed. He eats some of her dough balls while talking to her, scamming the dough balls. He leaves his shoes as earnest to pay for the dough balls and runs away. She throws away his shoes.

We see the boy visiting his First Big Brother who works in a bar. He talks about combining Shaolin Kung Fu with singing and dancing but his brother urges him to get a regular job. His brother's nickname is Iron Head and the boy's nickname is Mighty Steel Leg.

The two brothers insist on showing the bar owner a combination of Shaolin Kung Fu and Singing. Several times the owner breaks a bottle over Iron Head's head. Suddenly we see them dressed as monks with fake bald heads singing an awful song. They get beat up by the people drinking at the bar.

We see Fung in an alley peeing on a wall. He finds the can that Mighty Steel Leg kicked, embedded into a wall, where it has cracked the wall where it hit so hard. The wall falls down and on the other side are some kinds playing Soccer, one of them is Steel Leg. The kids pick a fight with Steel leg and he uses kung fu moves combined with soccer to defeat them. He kicks a ball into a wall so hard it cracks the wall. He defeats them and walks away. Fung comes up and examines Steel Leg's leg. He asks if SL would like to use his kung fu to play soccer and SL's face lights up--is this the way to present kung fu to the masses? Fung tells him about being Golden Leg and SL wants him to coach SL to be a soccer player, but Fung says he at least needs some shoes!

SL goes back to the girl who had his shoes, but she says she threw them out. He walks away sadly but she tosses them at him; she's repaired one shoe with a girly kind of patch.

SL goes back to the bar to get Iron Head. He proposes that they play soccer to promote kung fu. IH refuses and says to go find the other brothers and get them instead. They go see the brothers Empty Hand, Iron Shirt, Weight Vest, and Hooked Leg, all of whom are doing other things for a living (although not very succesfully) and who all think it's a foolish idea.

However, we see them later each look wistfully at photos of themselves together.

Fung and SL are back at SL's apartment where Fung is making fun of his place. SL is depressed, but suddenly the other brothers show up and soon they begin training. Fung can't get them to concentrate and work together and they're pretty awful at soccer. Fung tells SL that he can't control his Steel Leg well enough so he must practice with eggs. SL begins to do pretty well with an egg but not perfect.

Fung spray paints a bullseye on a wall and has SL begin practicing at aiming towards it. Meanwhile the others all learn various soccer moves. Fung glances over at a glass of water which is doing the Jurassic Park "jiggle" and see that SL is aiming the ball perfectly and consistently at the bullseye from even great distances and making the earth shake.

Next the team is playing against a group of local players. In fact it's the group that SL defeated earlier with kung fu/soccer moves. The other team roughs up SL and his team. SL starts crawling toward the fight and suddenly he's putting on a helmet and grabbing a machine gun and crawling through barbed wire and fencing like on a battlefield! He throws grenades, grabs a field phone and talks on it, and looks up--to see Fung who helps him stand up (and we see SL holding a stick and a shoe.)

Meanwhile the other brothers are surrendering. The leader of the other team drops his drawers and makes Iron Head put them on his head as shame.

Moments pass. We see that the brothers have assumed various still kung fu poses. Everyone is frozen in time. The camera pans up over the field and suddenly the brothers begin using kung fu moves and defeating the other team in battle. Fiure auras appear around them to show their kung fu ability. They use amazing kung fu/soccer moves and save the day--defeating the other team in battle and in soccer!

The other team begs to join their team and Fung agrees.

We now see Hung who is at a poolside training his Evil Team members. They are playing underwater to improve their skills. He plans to make them the champions of the world. Hung calls and says he has a team in the competition. Fung laughs at his team and thinks it will be funny to let them play.

SL goes to see the bread dough girl. He takes her to a nearby mall which is closing up and they look at the lovely dresses and things she would like to have. SL promises to buy her a beautiful dress. He says she helped him to become a good soccer player and he wants to give her things. He says she is beautiful and should be confident.

The team goes to a small stadium to practice. The other team laughs at them. But they start making goals. Hung gets a phone call about how the Shaolin team is making the other team look so bad. They are really playing amazingly. They give an interview to some press people.

The bread dough girl goes to a beauty parlor where a bearded woman takes her inside.

Meanwhile the brothers seem to be making appearances at a local mall and loot a shoestore. They throw out their old sneakers. The girl shows up (we now find out her name is Mui) and she looks, well, made up like a not very good female impersonator. SL thinks she looks like a "ghost". He hands her a box and she finds a lovely new pair of white soccer shoes. They go out together for a walk. She asks if he loves her and he says she must be kidding. He says he's not in love, that they are friends forever. She is very sad but puts a good face on it. He mentions that he threw out his old shoes. She begins crying and leaves.

The team is now playing their last game to get to the finals--it's a bunch of girls with beards and moustaches. The girls use amazing magical moves and the Shaolin team says, What's this? Is it the special effects? The Shaolin goalie manages to get the ball and make a score and they win.

Hung is at a golf course. He has Fung come see him, and offers Fung a check to get him to join up with Hung. But Fung refuses and says he can't take it, they just want to win the championship. He leaves.

The Shaolin team are now boarding a bus to go to the championship game and they are seen off by maids and people at a hotel. SL stops at the bread dough stand but Mui is not there anymore. She can't seem to make good sweet steamed bread anymore so the owner had to fire her.

SL picks up a dough ball and tries it and it's salty and we see Mui crying tears into the dough as she mixes it.

The team call SL to the bus, and he goes with them.

Next we see the team run onto the field along with the Evil Team. The stands are packed and lots of press are taking their pictures. They look up at the stands at the huge golden trophy and smile. Hung sits down and tells his people that goals aren't the only way to win.

The game begins. The Shaolin team is using all their moves. SL kicks the ball toward the goal and it transforms into a meteor of fire in the shape of a snarling lion--and the other goalie catches it and tosses it back. He invites SL to try kicking it in again. The Evil Team goalie is supernaturally good and stops his goals. Nothing moves him! Then we see someone injecting "American Drugs" into the Evil team players before the game! This is their secret!

The Evil Team goalie throws the ball all the way to the Shaolin goalie. He stops the ball, but the Evil Team begins wearing him down with constant barrages of goal attempts. The Shaolin goalie is defeated and kicked across the field.

Now the Evil Team is beating the Shaolin players move for move. The Shaolin players are all becoming injured. They all want to leave. They have only 8 players left, if one more is injured they can't play. They go back on the field and another brother is injured by a merciless barrage of players against him as he defends the Shaolin goal.

The Shaolin team gets the ball back and almost manages to make a goal but the Evil Team players kick SL's leg and injure him.

Now they have only 7 players and can't go on. However, another player shows up--it's Mui, who says she will play. She's brought SL's old broken shoes and he puts them on.

Mui takes the goalie position. She walks to the wrong goal and has to run across the field. The Evil Team gets the ball and she uses her Tai Chi breadmaking moves to stop the Evil Team's ball in flight. She is so good she starts playing with the ball the way she did the bread dough, raising a supernatural wind. She sends the ball up into the sky and SL flies up and kicks it across the field with such superhuman force that it begins pulling people and grass and ground across the field! The force is so great the Evil Team goalie's clothes are ripped off and the ball, the goalie, and people are blown right through the Evil Team's goal! Hung is in a fury and falls down the steps of the stadium in his rage. The Shaolin team has won!

They are awarded the trophy. The crowd cheers! The picture freezes and we pull back to see a poster of some kind with writing on it. "The Evil Team use drug permanent suspension" and "Leader Hung was sent 5 years in jail" are shown in the text-overs.

Now we see SL jogging along the street in nice jogging clothes and wearing his old beat up shoes. We see the young lady who slipped on a peel before but this time she does an amazing kung fu save and walks on. She smiles at SL as she passes him. The lady parking her car is back; she pushes it sideways into a parking space. The boy trimming trees is dancing around using kung fu moves and trimming them perfectly. A group of business people are doing tai chi in the open square. A bus pulls up and they run after it, making kung fu leaps to get on it. We pan up to a billboard that shows SL and Mui on the cover of Time Magazine with the caption "Kung Fu Couple starts a trend towards Martial Arts achieves the world champion bowling again". Fade out and credits.

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