SCARY MOVIE V

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NOTE: This spoiler was submitted by Jeremy.

The movie starts with Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan trying to make a sex tape, but it somehow ends up being a really wacky video of them doing random activities like exercising and playing with midgets. Suddenly there's a disturbance in the air, and Charlie gets thrown around. Lindsay gets possessed and tells Charlie she'll blow him across the room, which he thinks sounds good, until he gets thrown around again.

The Morgan Freeman-sounding narrator says there began a search for Charlie's three missing kids. Two stoners (Snoop Dogg and Mac Miller) are walking through the woods looking for some good weed, and they roll a giant blunt. They hear something overhead and run towards a cabin in the woods. In there, they find three wild-looking children.

We meet Jody (Ashley Tisdale), dressed like Jessica Chastain's character in "Mama". She's taking a pregnancy test and is happy that she's not pregnant. Her husband Dan (Simon Rex) comes in and says his brother's kids have been found. They go to an area where they pick up the kids, Cathy, Lilly, and baby Aidan. The couple adopts them on the condition that they move into a new house, and Dan makes Jody take off the black punk wig and tattoo sleeve. Jody is not happy.

Dan goes to work the next day at a genetic facility where he is testing a product on his chimp Caesar. His boss Martin (Terry Crews) comes in and isn't pleased with the results, especially after they've been tested on Real Housewives.

Jody has trouble connecting with the kids since she somehow continues to physically harm Aidan, Lilly is always feral, and Cathy keeps mentioning "Mama". Dan tells Jody to try and connect with Cathy through their love of ballerinas, but Jody says her mom (Heather Locklear) was too obsessed with dancing, as she danced while she was pregnant with her and gave birth to her onstage. Dan convinces her to try out anyway.

The next day, Jody goes to the dance studio where Heather Darcy (Molly Shannon) is mocked for being too old, even though she was the instructor's biggest star. Also trying out is Kendra (Erica Ash). She performs a stripper dance routine that catches the instructor's eye.

At night, Jody thinks some weird stuff is happening at home. Dan tries to capture it by setting up other cameras around the place, but he ends up physically hurting himself and is sent to the hospital. Jody has to take care of the kids with their maid, Maria, who Jody catches taking a nasty dump in the kids' closet, which somehow doubles as a bathroom.

Jody gets the part of the Swan Queen the next day, which incurs the wrath of Heather. She tries to step into Jody's spotlight but has a set piece fall on her.

More strange things happen at home. Jody and Dan call a psychic that Maria knows named Blaine Funda (Katt Williams). He scams the couple but then gets dragged out by Mama.

The pool filter comes to life and has a party with the other pool filters in the neighborhood. When Maria sees it the next morning, she starts performing rituals that get her fired. She gets into a big fight with Dan that escalates all the way to Dan's work, where all the chimps are set loose. Dan brings Caesar home to live with him and the family.

Jody tells Kathy she wants to go inside her mind and see what she's dreaming. She hires a dream extractor/Leonardo DiCaprio lookalike who goes into Jody's dreams, where she dreams about Christian Grey (Jerry O'Connell) in his weird bondage room that has Mike Tyson in there for whatever reason. They go into Kathy's dreams and see that Mama read from the evil book in the cabin and became evil.

Jody tries to get Kendra to go with her to the cabin while Dan watches the kids, but they go to the Cabin Club, where Kendra drugs Jody, and they go back to the house for weird lesbian sex. This makes Jody late for rehearsal the next morning and Kendra is dancing and impressing the instructor, denying the lesbian sex.

Later, Kendra goes to Jody's place and admits to the sex but couldn't say that in front of the co-dancers. They go together to find this cabin in the woods and get the evil book to stop the curse, and they run into a group of Christian kids (Tyler Posey, Katrina Bowden, Sarah Hyland, and Bow Wow). Jody and Kendra find the book and read from it, causing the curse on the kids and lifting it. By the end of it, the kids have all mutilated themselves and the women don't even realize it.

Back home, Mama tries to attack Aidan, and Caesar intervenes, but it looks like he's hurting the baby, so Dan has him taken away. Mama later attacks Jody and Dan and takes the kids.

Jody realizes that Mama is taking them over the cliff, but she manages to stop them. She gets the girls back, and Lilly bites Mama on the neck, causing her to fall over the cliff and land in a boat that the two stoners from before are hanging out in, and then she gets eaten by a shark that's in the jacuzzi.

At the dance studio, Jody is about to dance in Swan Lake, but she gives the part to Kendra after learning how important her family is. Kendra dances in a weird fashion, which Madea (sitting in the audience) comments on.

The film concludes with Caesar providing the Morgan Freeman narration saying that humans are pathetic.


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