"The Scary Movie gang is back with send-ups of "War of the Worlds," "The Grudge," "The Village," "Saw" and "Saw II," "Million Dollar Baby" and much more. Legendary comedy director David Zucker ("Airplane!," the "Naked Gun" franchise, "Scary Movie 3," and "Ruthless People") and producer Bob Weiss reunite to take aim at some of the best fright films, the latest box office hits, music, current events, pop culture, and your favorite celebrities. Anna Faris and Regina Hall are back as the loveable, dim-witted Cindy Campbell and her self-serving, sex-crazed pal, Brenda, respectively - joined this time around by Craig Bierko ("Cinderella Man"), as the cute-but-utterly clueless Tom Ryan." http://movies.yahoo.com
NOTE: Another Great Spoiler (actually, spoiler #45) sent in by Brentage5000.
We begin with James Earl Jones narrating about how no one would ever have suspected we were being watched at the starts of the twenty-first century as we see a bunch of bacteria shaking it to "Baby Got Back". We then switch to a shot of a man with his face in a tub of water. The man wakes up and pulls his face out, and we see that it's Shaquille O'Neal (Shaquille O'Neal). He starts looking around and sees that his foot is chained to a tub. A voice tells him not to bother screaming for help, and the lights turn on, revealing Shaq's cellmate as....Dr. Phil! Phil says the last thing he remembers is being at a relationship convention, and then he wakes up here. A TV on the wall turns on and we see Jigsaw from the Saw movies. He notes that both of them play games with people, but now they have to play a game with each other. As he speaks, a deadly nerve gas is filling the room, and they have two minutes to escape (even though the scene takes much much longer than two minutes to complete, but never mind). They see a basketball hoop, and Phil figures out that they have to sink a free throw to get the antidote. Shaq starts picking up stuff to put in the basket -- first a rock, then a bigger rock, then a sink -- but all he does is hurt Dr. Phil. Phil starts crying about how this is stupid and he can't do anyything, since he's not even a doctor (his real job is electrician). This inspires Shaq somehow and he sinks a shot, causing two saws to be released. Shaq tells Phil to go first, but when Phil chickens out, Shaq messes with his mind, and Phil cuts off....the wrong foot, causing both of them to go into a screaming fit.
We next see Tom (Charlie Sheen. from the last film) in an apartment in Japan. He is walking around in a daze as three gorgeous women wake up in bed behind him. He looks at a picture of him and his dead wife and sees a freaky little boys face reflected. He drops the pic and picks up a razor, just as Cindy Campbell (Anna Faris) comes in. She gives her ex-brother-in-law (if you remember, she was married to Tom's brother George) a big hug, driving the razor into his chest, and starts lamenting her loneliness since George was killed and Cody went away to military camp. Meanwhile, Tom continues to try and kill himself, but ends up taking a whole bottle of Viagra instead of a whole bottle of sleeping pills and gets a three-foot boner, which is promptly jumped on by the cat. While trying to shake it off, Tom trips over the balcony and lands on the street outside, with his boner sticking up out of the pavement.
While this is going on, we see Tom Ryan (Craig Bierko) working at the docks and literally falling asleep. His boss sends him home once he's caused the spillage of three different crates containing monkeys, books, and whipped cream. Instead of heading home, though, Tom heads to the bar where he laments to the female bartender about how he'll never be free of the crane job while operating one of those toy crane grabbers. He is soon joined by his friend Mahalik (Anthony Anderson) and Mahalik's friend CJ (Kevin Hart), both from the last movie. Tom tells them how lonely he's felt since his divorce, and Mahalik and CJ attempt to make him feel better with a story about how they went camping on a mountain and ended up having sex with each other (call it "Brokeblack Mountain"), which just freaks Tom out. Anyway, Tom heads home where his ex-wife Marilyn (Molly Shannon) is waiting with their kids, Rachel (Conchita Campbell) and Robbie (Beau Mirchoff). After throwing Rachel into his car (or rather, onto), Tom congratulates Marilyn on her pregnancy, but her angry reply is simply, "I'm not pregnant."
Meanwhile, at a homecare clinic, we see a Mr. Koji attempting to get someone to take over the care of an old lady at a house that has already left one worker hideously deformed and in a career of envelope licking. Right on cue, Cindy enters looking for work and Koji immediately takes her to the house from the Grudge, where she immediately suspects something is wrong, but Koji keeps trying to hide it. She meets Mrs. Norris (Cloris Leachman) and while talking to her, Koji starts hiding pieces from that hair blob thing that hung out by the ceiling, eventually using part of it as a wig. He also ends up struggling with a ghost boy in a bathtub, subduing him just as Cindy decides she'll take the job. Koji leaves, and Cindy goes out back to take care of the garbage just in time to get hit by a baseball thrown by Tom, her neighbor. She is immediately smitten by him and he....immediately wants to fuck her, at any rate. She starts describing her duties in taking care of Mrs. Norris, but he blanks on the words and all we see are a bunch of very suggestive gestures.
That night, we see Cindy in the shower when a hand starts coming out of the back of her head and helping her shower and shave her pits. She freaks and runs out in time to see the ghost boy coming down the stairs like a spider, but he trips and disappears before getting to the bottom. She throws on some clothes and starts searching the house, eventually finding the boy in the spider-web filled attic, where she burns his finger with the light from her lighter. She falls down and goes back up, but he's not there. Giving up, she heads outside with a sponge and soapy water and starts giving Mrs. Norris a bath...with her own urine, which was sitting next to the bucket.
The next morning, Tom is trying to get Robbie to play football with him, but Robbie doesn't want to, causing a frustrated Tom to throw the football away, and right into Cindy's face. He goes to check on her, and she says she's fine. She also tells him why she's reluctant for a relationship. Apparently, she used to be a big-time female boxer and her husband George (Simon Rex) was her coach, but in a match against the champion, Tiffany Stone (Michael McDonald), she ended up throwing a wild punch and when George went to catch her, he broke his neck on a fallen stool which ended up setting off a chain-reaction of broken necks and death, including that of Don King (important). Tom tells her to let go of the past and kisses her as a wind rises...but when the wind keeps rising, the pair break apart and see a bunch of lightning flashing out of an ass-shaped cloud. The two rush inside, and after Rachel gets struck by lightning twice, she comes in too. The three hide under the table and after one more lightning blast which both Cindy and Rachel say smells like poo, Tom blushes and says he's going to go find Robbie while Cindy heads back to check on Mrs. Norris.
Outside, Tom passes a mechanic friend of his and offers a solution to the problem of the van not running -- put a replacement part in it. Tom gets to the center of town where a huge crater is being disturbed by something underneath the surface. A massive iPod -- only it's labelled a "triPod" -- rises from beneath the pavement and, after playing a brief selection of 80s music for everyone, changes its mode to "Destroy Earth" and begins killing people left and right. As Tom rushes home and tells his kids that they're leaving in sixty seconds while shooting his balls and ass off, we see Cindy back at the house. She finds the little boy waiting at the top of the stairs for her, and after telling her that her Japanese sucks, he says the secret to stopping the aliens lies with his father, and she needs to follow the blood trail to his father's heart to find his killer. Just after that, a google map showing Cindy where to go shows up on the back of the front door and Cindy quickly copies it into her notebook. She rushes outside and sees Tom and the kids leaving. She yells to him and the two meet in the middle of the street and he tells her about the car-part thing, gives her one, and promises that he will find her again. Tom then takes his kids to the mechanic and they steal the now-working van and get out of town.
While all this is going on, we see President Harris (Leslie Nielsen) sitting in on a first-grade class where some girl is reading a story about a duck. He is interrupted by his assistant Jamison (Alonzo Bodden) who tells him about the aliens, but the president is determined to stay until he knows what happens to the duck. Harris tells him that the aliens killed the duck, and that gets him moving finally. Meanwhile, we see Cindy walking through a plane wreck when she finds her old friend Brenda (Regina Hall), who has gone from teacher to reporter in one movie. Cindy tells her about the man who may have the secret to defeating the aliens and convinces her to come along after the two use the part to get a car....by throwing it at the driver of the man who had the last working car. A little later, the two are driving when Cindy begins talking about Tom to Brenda, who claims to have already done him. From here, we cut to Mahalik and CJ coming up out of a sewer and into a crowd of the injured fleeing the triPods, only they for some reason think of them as zombies. When Mahalik sees his non-zombie zombie grandmother, he starts beating on her, and the pair take down as many zombies as they can.
That night, we see Tom and the kids in the van when it starts getting rocked by people on either side. The group is forced out of the van and then held at gunpoint by a guy who wants the van. They are then held at knifepoint by a guy who claims to want the van but then admits he wants the gun. Tom then admits to having always wanted a knife, and the three switch. Unfortunately, the knifeman gets the keys, the gunner gets the knife, and Tom gets a mini-crossbow. By the time everything is sorted out, someone else has made off with the van. The next morning, we see the president being bought a witness who saw the aliens, and she describes how the ray struck people, who then disappeared, leaving only their clothes. The president misunderstands and asks if her clothing had been left behind too, and when she says no, he states, "Thank God."
Meanwhile, we see Cindy and Brenda sneaking into the village where the boy's father is supposed to be. They see his blind daughter Holly (Carmen Electra) and the village idiot Ezekiel (Chris Elliot) in a foot race where they both walk into something five seconds in. After a little bit of sneaking around, the girls find the father, Henry Hale (Bill Pullman, who was also in Grudge), sitting everyone down to dinner and talking about the truce between them and the creatures in the woods. Just then, two guards in yellow cloaks come up behind Cindy and Brenda and arrest them. The girls are brought before a tribunal and after being interrupted by Holly, who takes the worlds biggest shit inside the main room of the court before realizing that it isn't her house, it is declared that the girls must stay in the village. Also, Ezekiel, who had been staring at Cindy ratcher lustfully the whole time, manages to get himself locked up somehow (important, and I forget how he did it).
Meanwhile, the president has come before the UN with the intent of demonstrating a new weapon they will use against the aliens. After telling a few offensive racial jokes, the president demonstrates the weapon (unwittingly, of course) on himself, and what follows is some of the most hilarious nude scenes I've ever seen (yes folks, that's right -- Leslie Nielsen was in the nude). While this is going on, we see Tom and his kids (remember them?) walking through a forest where some strange red weed is growing. While a few people try to smoke it, others notice some noise coming from beyond the next hill. Robby runs to check it out and we see the army getting slaughtered by one of the triPods. Robby runs to join in and watch, and Tom is forced to temporarily leave Rachel behind a tree. Tom then runs up the hill and tries to get Robby to come back, but opts to leave him when he notices his daughter being taken away by...Michael Jackson! He chases Jacko off and then hears a guy named Oliver (Michael Madsen) shouting at him to come and hide out in Oliver's basement. He and Rachel head inside and are safe.
Back in the village, the girls are slowly adjusting to this simpler life, although it's easier for Brenda since she's already gotten in with some cute guy she met at the trial named Jeremiah. Suddenly the creatures start invading and everyone hides from the giant walking porcupine-pigs. Two of them head into Brenda's cabin, but when they attempt to scare the girls by going "boogity-boogity" Brenda rips off their masks and reveals a pair of town elders. They admit to everything being a scam when suddenly someone screams from the direction of Henry's cabin. They go and see that Ezekiel has stabbed Henry with a knife -- apparently he was let out of jail by his equally retarded brother, the sheriff. Cindy leans over him to get some answers, and she finds out that the boy died at her boxing match when Don King fell on him. He then gets stabbed again by Ezekiel and before things can progress, the triPods show up and kidnap Brenda and Cindy.
Meanwhile, we see Tom putting Rachel to bed on Oliver's couch, and he promises that he won't leave her behind like he did Robby. He then tries to sing a lullaby to her -- some rap song -- but is so horrible that she's soon faking snores just to shut him up. He goes to talk with Oliver, who proposes the idea of a resistance, but they're soon interrupted by a spy-camera from one of the triPods. It misses them, but it does see Oliver's vacuum cleaner, which it immediately begins humping. It pulls out (of the basement, you freaks), but before things can return to normal, one of the triPods is kidnapping Rachel. Tom runs out after her, but soon he too is taken. They get dropped into the same basket that Cindy and Brenda are in, and Tom and Cindy give each other a reunion kiss. They are soon interrupted by Brenda getting sucked up the anus-like entry tube into the ship. She grabs onto Rachel for support, who grabs onto Tom, who grabs onto Cindy, and soon they're all inside.
Some time later, Cindy wakes up in a dark room. A light turns on and we see her and Brenda wearing bear-trap masks (see "Saw II" for further details) and Tom with a giant crossbow strapped to his butt with the arrow pointing somewhere that makes Brenda go, "You wanna trade?" They look around and we see Shaq's skeleton in the corner, meaning they are in the same room from the beginning, although Cindy just lifts up Shaq's femur and cries, "They killed the dinosaurs!" A TV turns on and we see the Jigsaw alien from before giving hints that Cindy is too dense to get, so he just tells her that the key to get the machines off is behind her eye. When she still doesn't get it, a knife comes out, and we see the realization occur as...she pops out her eye, reaches in, and grabs the key (fake eye). She puts the key in its hole and the traps all fall off. Before they can celebrate, a door opens and the kids start falling from the ceiling. Fortunately, Tom grabs a chain they were attached to, saving them from going splat while Brenda sneaks out of the room and finds the room Jigsaw is broadcasting from. Unfortunately, the floor drops away and an iron maiden springs up around Tom, which will crush him unless he lets go of the kids. Cindy looks around for something to help and notices a heart on one of the toilets in the room, and she realizes that Henry was the Japanese kid's stepdad and his real dad is the Jigsaw alien, who confirms this by saying, "Hey, it was spring break and I blended right in." Cindy begs him to stop everything but he refuses until it becomes apparent that Tom is willing to die for his kids, at which point he turns the traps off and lets them go, saying he just wanted them to know love, or something. At this point, Brenda comes back in with another alien, named Zoltar, and it's obvious they just had some massive sex. The humans all leave, and Jigsaw turns to Zoltar and asks if he was careful. Zoltar says, "She told me she was a virgin." Jigsaw shakes his head and goes, "We are so screwed."
Sure enough, the next few scenes are of the triPods blowing up all over the world. We see Brenda, Cindy, Tom, Robby, and Rachel heading for Tom's ex's house. Marilyn opens the door and the kids run to their mom and give her a big hug. Marilyn thanks Tom for bringing them, and we see a really old guy standing behind Marilyn. Tom says, "Hey kids, look! Grandpa's here too!" but Marilyn just glares at him and says, "That's my husband." From here we see a montage of Brenda giving birth to a baby alien with her husband Jeremiah present, Mahalik and CJ going into their tent on Brokeblack Mountain, and the president tucking into bed with a duck. At the end, we see James Earl Jones step forward to tell us how it was love that saved the planet....just in time for him to get hit by a bus.
One month later, we see a clip from "The Oprah Winfrey Show." Oprah is introducing her guest, the man who saved the world, and it turns out to be Tom. He comes out in total Tom Cruise style, and when the audience stops cheering he cheekily asks, "That's it?" Oprah asks him about Cindy, and he starts shouting about being in love, dances, does backflips across the stage, tears open a couch cushion and starts eating the padding, hugs Oprah way too tight, squeezes her hands, and bends her wrists back so far that they break. He brings Cindy out, who was watching from offstage, and starts twirling her around like a top before throwing her into the far wall. He screams and heads straight for the camera, which he ends up knocking over and breaking, causing a total blackout.
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