"A world-famous soccer coach has been murdered and his priceless, legendary ring has been stolen--a ring set with the stunning diamond known as the "Pink Panther." The French government needs a master detective to solve the crime and recover the gem--but he's not available, so they recruit none other than Inspector Jacques Clouseau. A stunning pop star, a soccer player, a Chinese assassin circles--but who committed the crime? And can anyone solve the case? Clouseau and his partner, Ponton, must unmask the murderer and keep their boss, Dreyfus, from taking credit for the victory, all without bringing the French legal system to a screeching halt. "
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THE PINK PANTHER

*CUT TO THE CHASE*

NOTE: Wow, spoiler #42 sent in by Brentage5000.

The film starts with Chief Inspector Dreyfus of the French Police (Kevin Kline) relating to us his memories of how he met Jacques Clouseau, a somewhat incompetent inspector..."Actually, more of the village idiot," he corrects himself. While he's talking, we see Clouseau (Steve Martin) in his village screwing up in various ways (in one scene he gets chased by goats somehow). From there Dreyfus takes us to a show of the crime that brought him and Clouseau together. At a football (or soccer, if you're American) match between the French and Chinese teams, we see French coach Yves Gluant (Jason Statham) emerging onto the field to a roar of cheers while he wears the world famous Pink Panther diamond in a ring on his finger. He heads over to his girlfriend, pop singer Xania (Beyoncé Knowles), whispers something to her, and kisses her before heading to his team. The match happens, and the French score an amazing victory thanks to their star kicker Bizu (William Abadie). The whole team is on the field celebrating when suddenly Gluant stiffens and falls to the ground. Shock takes over the crowd and as he falls we see his hand -- the Pink Panther has been taken.

In Dreyfus's office, we see him talking to his assistants about how to solve this case. He says that what they need is an incompetent inspector to draw away the media's attention while they work on the case. He orders them to summon Jacques Clouseau from his village of wherever and we next see Clouseau driving into Paris. He moves to parallel park his seven foot long mini between two cars that are about twenty feet apart, and somehow manages to knock the bumpers off of both of them. He goes inside and finds Dreyfus's secretary Nicole (Emily Mortimer) straightening a picture of him. He tries to help her off of the table she's standing on, but ends up holding her with her sitting on his shoulders and his face in her....ANYWAY, while they're like this, Dreyfus's assistant comes out and says that Dreyfus is ready for Clouseau. Clouseau goes in and announces himself, flipping out his badge as he does so, only to make the badge flip out and pin itself into Dreyfus's skin. Closeau gently pulls the pin out and says, "That had to hurt." Dreyfus ignores it -- somehow -- and moves to get to business when Closeau says, "This is lovely weather we're having....I hope things stay like this." He then whips back the curtain, but there's no one there. He says that the office is secure, and Dreyfus then informs Clouseau that he is being promoted to Inspector. He gives Clouseau his pen to sign the paperwork with, and Clouseau does so, marvelling at the fanciness of the pen. Clouseau takes off the cover, signs the paper, and hands the pen back to Dreyfus, which he puts in his pocket. Dreyfus goes on to talk about the case, when suddenly Clouseau notices that the pen is leaking rather enormously in Dreyfus's pocket. Dreyfus mentions a press-conference that will have to occur, and Clouseau agrees and quickly excuses himself. After he leaves, Dreyfus asks, "Why do I feel wet?" Later, at the press conference, Clouseau is announced as the lead detective in the case and really warms up to the press, something which doesn't seem too pleasing to Dreyfus. Dreyfus has his assistant assign someone as a partner to Clouseau who can report back to Dreyfus on Clouseau's activities.

The next day, Clouseau is in his office where he finds Nicole -- who has apparently now become his secretary -- doing stuff. He does his "spy" thing and finds a wire in the lamp which he proceeds to cut, thus shorting out electricity in the building. Nicole is somehow still impressed, even though Clouseau then manages to knock a giant brass globe out the door where it then proceeds to get in the way of everything imaginable (bikers, cars, someone's foot, etc.). Nicole takes his measurements for some new clothes, and as she leaves, Gendarme 2nd class Gilbert Ponton (Jean Reno) arrives to work with Clouseau. Clouseau grills Ponton about his family history, which is filled with cops, although his grandfather's grandfather's grandfather's grandfather was a farmer, which in Clouseau's eye makes Ponton a rookie. Clouseau promises to help show Ponton how to be a real cop. Meanwhile, we see Dreyfus saying that the poison from the dart that was found in Gluant's neck was Chinese, and there were several Chinese men within range of the field that could have shot him, and Gluant went to China three years ago, so the killer must be Chinese. He orders his team to find out everything they can about what Gluant did those three years ago. That night, at Clouseau's office, we see Nicole heading home and Clouseau still working hard and wearing a pair of those goggles that diamond cutters normally use. He tells her that due to interoffice politics, her staying could be taken the wrong way, and says that she should just leave. He seals the deal with a kiss and a quick slap on the butt, and she leaves.

The next day, Ponton and Clouseau are headed to the studio where Xenia is recording when they stop and he tells Ponton that in order to keep him vigilant and sharp, he shall at certain random times attack him. They start to move out when Clouseau moves to attack Ponton. Ponton hits Clouseau in the nose and Clouseau utters, "Good one." They move out and enter the studio. A sign on the door says to not enter when the light is flashing, but Clouseau enters anyway, picks his way through the band, and heads over to Xenia's soundproof booth, which she can't hear him in since the sound only goes out. She tries to signal to him that she can't hear him, but he doesn't get it until the head guy comes out. She comes out as well and is "interrogated" by Clouseau, but since he's a fan of her it doesn't go well. She mentions that she'll be leaving to America for a vague reason next week (that's literally what she says) and points them in the direction of Bizu.

At the stadium, Clouseau and Ponton are being led around by the team's public relations manager Cherie (Kristin Chenoweth). She takes them to Bizu, who plainly states that his only sorrow in the death of Gluant is that the killer beat him to it. Suddenly Clouseau hears some footsteps and he identifies them belonging to a small woman in high heels wearing Chanel No. 5 perfume. Instead, we see the teams Russian trainer, Yuri (Henry Czerny) arriving. Clouseau peppers him with questions that lead nowhere but to confusion for Yuri. He then arrests Bizu and interrogates him further at the station with the good-cop/bad-cop method...except he's both cops. He doesn't get any new info though, and Bizu is released. He heads over to the stadium and does some practice. As he's changing and showering, someone comes up to him. He says, "Oh, it's you," and is then shot by the unseen person. Cherie hears this, enters the locker room, and screams.

Clouseau and Ponton drive back to Clouseau's place, and on the way we see the globe knock over a biker. Clouseau heads up and is given his new clothes by Nicole. She has a piece of nearby food but starts choking on it. Clouseau moves to give her the heimlich, and Ponton enters just as they're finishing up what looks from behind like a quick dry-humping. As for the food, it flys out the window and crashes into a food cart which for some reason explodes. While this is going on, Ponton pulls Clouseau aside and tells him that Bizu has been found dead. After Closeau tells Ponton to get a list of all people in Europe whose names are "Yu" (the last thing Cherie heard Bizu say), they head over to the scene of the crime and talk to Cherie, who is more than a little distraught. They get the name of Rene Laroque from her, a man who desperately wanted the Pink Panther diamond from Gluant. They learn that he is having a party at his casino that night, and they make plans to crash it.

At the party at the casino, Ponton and Clouseau use their badges to get in and start searching around. Clouseau wanders over to the bar and meets a 006 agent named Nigel Phillips (Clive Owen, channeling the James Bond role he never got). Clouseau consols the guy on being "one step below the bigtime" and Phillips says that he's not really supposed to be there (see?). He goes off and Clouseau and Ponton get in to see Laroque. Inside his parlor, where the interview takes place, he has a collection of fancy objects, though some of them are fake. Closeau identifies two vases as second century Chinese, but he somehow gets his hands stuck in them. As the interrogation goes on, Closeau manages to get the one on his left hand off, though the other remains. The interview goes on, and Closeau eventually becomes convinced that Laroque has nothing of value to tell or give them. As they're leaving, Closeau stops by a table and asks if the vase is worth anything. Laroque says it's cheap trash. Closeau then breaks the vase off on a table, which then also breaks. Laroque stares and says quietly, "...but that table was a priceless antique."

Outside the room, Closeau is silently approached by Phillips, who asks him to meet him in the restaurant later. When Closeau meets him there, he is told to not tell anyone, but a group known as the Gas Mask Bandits has just broken in. Naturally, Closeau shouts, "The Gas Mask Bandits? Here?" Phillips asks Closeau for his trench coat and pulls out a mask and a gun. He takes out the window, shoots a wire across the room, puts on the mask and coat, and rides the wire across the room, taking out the bandits. He gets back to the restaurant, reminds Closeau that he's not supposed to be there, and uses his cable to escape through a skylight just as a dozen reporters with cameras burst in. They see Closeau with the equipment and the next day papers all over France are announcing Clouseau as the one who took out the bandits, much to Dreyfus's displeasure. Meanwhile, Closeau and Ponton are at police headquarters interviewing the only Yu in France...a sixty-three year old Chinese lady. She says something in Chinese to Closeau (we don't know what) and he asks Ponton, "Did you get that?" Ponton looks at him with an expression that says he didn't, and Closeau sighs and tells the woman she can go.

Back with Dreyfus, we see him in a meeting with people over the nominees for Medal of Honor that year, and it is down to him and a nun who works with sick children, which Drefus gives a "psh, yeah right" look too. However, the commitee then decides to nominate a third person -- Closeau. As for Closeau, he has decided that they need to talk to Xenia again, and need to go to America, since she has left for New York. In order to blend better, he hires a dialect coach who has him use the base phrase, "I would like to buy a hamburger." Unfortunately, the closest he can get is "I wood lyeeek to bah uh armzerger." Regardless, the two go to New York and follow Xenia from her hotel room one day. They follow her to a rather shady part of town. She enters a building and heads up to the twelfth floor. They beat some thugs up that keep them from getting on an elevator (and when I say they, I mean Ponton). They follow Xenia up to the twelfth floor and find her in a room where some guy is apparently working on her purse, fixing the diamonds on it (not that diamond...these are all plain white diamonds). While they're there, someone calls and Closeau answers. It's just a free phone plan offer, and Closeau signs up for it, having more info sent to his email account (this'll come back a little later). Closeau and Ponton make a note to apologize to the men they beat up, and Xenia invites Closeau to her room at the Waldorf for dinner that night.

At the Waldorf that night, Closeau arrives and goes up to Xenia's room. He does his eavesdropper thing again and this time finds a wire in a vent below the room. He cuts the wire, causes a short in the hotel, and makes a chandelier crash to the ground in the lobby. He romances Xenia for a little bit, and before things can get to THAT point, he excuses himself to the bathroom to prepare. By prepare, of course, I mean take a Viagra pill...which he drops down the sink drain. He tries to get it out by kicking at the pipes beneath the sink, but only breaks the pipe open, spraying water everywhere. He tries to fix it using a hair dryer as a hammer, but only electrocutes himself, which in turn sets fire to the curtains. He tries to put those it with the extendable shower head, but then that breaks too, which is where Xenia comes in, seeing him standing there soaked and in his underwear.

The next day, Xenia and the boys are heading back to France. At the airport, Closeau tells Ponton that he is smuggling a couple of hamburgers in his pockets since the airline food sucks. While talking, he fails to notice someone switch bags on him. He grabs the new bag and proceeds through the security checkpoint, but something in the bag beeps. They pull him aside and empty "his" bag which contains a pocketknife, nunchucks, a mace, a grenade or two, iron kknuckles a hammer, and various other blunt instruments. They tell him to empty his pockets, but he just tells them that all that iis in there is a few "damzergers." The security guys freak and long story short, Closeau causes a national embarassment for France that results in him getting kicked off the case and Dreyfus taking over. In a meeting, Dreyfus announces that they have identified the killer as a Chinese doctor who was at the match, and that he shall be arrested at a party tomorrow night. Closeau, for his part, is driven home by Ponton. That night, he goes onto the internet and checks his email, which has a message from that phone company he talked to earlier. He clicks -- but doesn't drag -- the download button...and proceeds to cause a citywide blackout. The next morning, Closeau signs on again to check what an occipital lobe is, since that's where Bizu was shot and it sounds familiar, only to be greeted by a picture of him at the airport. He moves to click it away when he notices something onscreen. He zooms in on it, but we don't see what it is. He calls Nicole and Ponton and excitedly tells them that they are back on the case.

At the party palace that night, Dreyfus is out front and he tells the woman with the invitation list not to allow Closeau in. He also informs his partners and subordinates that they will take Dr. Pang (the chinese doctor they think did it) after the first song. Meanwhile, Closeau and Ponton arrive and are rejected, but they then see Nicole on the side of the building beckoning them over. She gives them some disguises and Ponton heads in, but Closeau looks at Nicole for a minute and takes off her glasses, telling her, "Nicole, it is evening...and you are beeyoutiful." She thanks him and he goes inside, leaving her to wander around blindly and walk into a nearby electric pole. Inside, Xenia has started performing (with Beyonce's Destiny's Child partners Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams as Xenia's backup singers) when we see Closeau and Ponton in outfits that perfectly match the interior wallpaper. They try to sneak around but are caught by a palace security guard...until Nicole comes back (with glasses) and saves them by saying they're backup dancers for act three of the show. The guard buys it and they make for the roof, but not before Closeau has finally kissed Nicole.

On the roof, the two trade their current outfits for some black ones. Just as they finish changing, they see a third black-clad figure targeting Xenia through the skylight. They interrupt him and he flees. They pursue into the palace and he flees down a hall. Ponton continues while Closeau moves to cut him off. Unfortunately, this doesn't as Closeau manages to open a door into Ponton just as Ponton has the guy cornered. The guy flees into the main floor again in plain sight of Dreyfus, who sees all three of the figures. He orders his assistant to arrrest Closeau. When asked which one that is, Dreyfus points to the one that has just fallen fifteen feet off of the stairway. The chase continues, and Closeau and Ponton get the assassin, who Closeau reveals to be none other than...Yuri the trainer who trains! (that was what he kept calling him) Long story short, Yuri was jealous of everything that Gluant had and wanted it all for himself, which is also why he killed Bizu. When Dreyfus asks how he knew, Closeau says there were two things -- the Chinese lady who said "What the hell are you questioning me for? You should talk to the trainer! They're supposed to have a knowledge of all Chinese medicines!" and some Russian statute which says that all Russians need to know where the occipital lobe is, or something. Someone then asks about the Pink Panther diamond, and Closeau asks for Xenia's purse. He cuts it open and reveals from the interior lining the hidden Pink Panther, which Gluant had given to Xenia to hold onto just before the match. He tells the listening crowd that he saw it through the X-Ray machine in a picture of himself online. She says that the reason she hadn't told anyone was because she didn't want to appear suspicious, but Closeau says that siince Gluant willingly gave it to her before the match, it is hers to keep.

Some time later, we see Dreyfus and Closeau walking together in full dress, and Closeau is saying that if Dreyfus hadn't assigned him to the case, he might never have won the medal of honor. He gets into the car with a waiting Ponton and closes the door. Dreyfus tries to walk away, but the door is closed on his coat. Ponton and Closeau drive off, and we next see Dreyfus in a hospital with broken legs, a neckbrace, and various other injuries. Closeau and Ponton and Nicole are there, and Closeau manages to fool around with the hospital bed and cause Dreyfus more pain while attempting to make him more comfortable. He then goes over to Ponton and Nicole -- his foot accidentally hitting the brake on the bed -- and says that what Dreyfus needs most now is their support. Behind them, Dreyfus's bed starts rolling through the hospital, slowly gaining speed as people duck out of its way. Closeau and the others give chase and catch up to it just in time to see it about to crash out a window and into the Siene. Just before it does though, Closeau says, "This is going to hurt..."


*CUT TO THE CHASE*
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Inspector Clouseau finds the real killer: the soccer trainer. He stabbed the coach with a poison dart because of the way he was treated during his years training the team. As for the infamous diamond, the coach gave it to girlfriend Xania (Beyonce Knowles) moments before his death. Xania is therefore the rightful owner. She has it in her posession for the duration of the film.

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