The Pick of Destiny
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NOTE: This awesome spoiler sent in by Bullis27.
The movie starts out like a rock-opera, and shows Jack Black as a young boy, playing rock ballads for his uptight Christian family. They are upset and his father says that rock is the devils work. He rips down all of JB's rock posters and storms out. JB prays to his Dio poster and imagines Dio telling him to run away to Hollywood. So that's what he does.
It shows grown up JB walking around in California looking at all the amazing wonders on the street. He sees Kyle Gass playing acoustic like a mo-fo and watches him, very amazed, and insulted that people walk by instead of stopping to listen. He really likes Kyle, but Kyle is annoyed with him. He plays a Beethoven piece and JB sings to it, and a pizza guy named Lee (The Tenacious D stalker from the music videos) loves them and asks what their band is called. Kyle announced that his is a solo player and always will be. He flicks his KG guitar pic at JB and walks off.
That night JB gets beat up by some really stupid annoying clowns. Kyle Gass sees it and runs over after they leave. He sees the KG pick in JB's hand and starts to like JB.
JB wakes up, thinking that KG saved him from the clowns. KG says he can stay with him.
At KG's apartment, JB looks at the guitars and practically worships him. KG gets all arrogant and acts like he is an up and coming rockstar. He says he jams with Black Sabbath all the time and is starting the KGP, the Kyle Gas Project.
JB asks if he can audition for it, and KG says maybe. KG puts him through intense "rock" training, and says he needs to do a cock pushup. He sets up a gig simulator. They invite Lee over.
JB blows the gig simulator and decides it's time for a power slide "one of the most powerful stage weapons in a rocker's arsenal."
He skids across the carpet, falling on his beloved guitar and breaking it. KG tries to cheer him up, and his answering machine kicks on, it's his mother telling him that they think he has had enough time trying to be a rock star and that they are going to send him no more rent checks.
JB, is furious, because this means KG isn't really a rock star. He rips off KG's long hair wig and sees that he is balding. He yells at KG, very hurt.
KG starts to pack to go home, and gives JB a guitar he got for him. JB opens the case and it's a beautiful black guitar with rock symbols on the frats. Down at the bottom it says JB in beautiful pearlescent letters, surrounded by clouds. JB is speechless. He and KG decide to form a band to make money to pay the rent.
JB says it will be called Tenac, because he's had a birthmark ever since he was born, that formed the word Tenac. KG says that he has a birthmark too. They both show their butt cheeks. KG's birthmark says ious D.
Lees pints and says "Look!" they put their hips together, and of course, together the birthmarks say Tenacious D.
They play at a local bar's open mic night. They actually do really well but the people aren't impressed.
They try to write some hits, but it doesn't work. JB starts looking at rockers on magazines and asks what they all have that he doesn't have. KG says it looks like they all use the same pick. In all the pictures, the guitarist is holding a horned pick. They go to the music store to see if they can find one.
At the music store, the employee, played by Ben Stiller, asks what they need and they show him a picture of the pick. He freaks out and takes them to a back room to explain the pick.
He said back in the dark ages, a wizard battled Satan. He almost lost, but a blacksmith came to the wizard's rescue. The blacksmith broke of Satan's tooth. The wizard said Satan would have to return to hell until he was complete again.
The wizard took Satan's tooth and wanting to repay the blacksmith for saving him, fashioned the tooth into a green lute pick. The Blacksmith played his lute for the maiden he loved and she fell in love with him. After that the pick disappeared.
Ben Stiller's character says he was a technician for a band when he was younger, and the pick suddenly reappeared. The guitarist shredded away, not knowing it was the pick that allowed him to play so awesomely, and the end he flicked the pick into the audience and some kid named Eddie caught it. Eddie Van Halen. Ben Stiller says Van Halen's guitar and the pick are in the Rock and Roll History Museum. He said it would be impossible to break in and get it.
They decide they are going to try. The open mic night contest is coming up, and they need to win so they can pay their rent. They borrow Lee's car and head off to the Rock and Roll Museum. They stop at a diner, and KG goes to talk to some cute girls who are looking at him. JB is sitting at the counter when a gross old foreign guy comes over. He is played by Tim Robbins. He has long scraggly black hair and is missing a leg. He looks like a veteran rocker. He asks JB if they are Rocker going to the Rock and Roll museum. JB denies it, but the old guy sees the guitars in the back of their car. He sees that JB is writing on a map of the museum, writing his break in plan.
The old guy keeps harassing him and JB goes into the bathroom. While in there, the old guy asks if JB and KG are going to steal the pick of destiny, JB's reply of course is a surprised fart. The guy says that he tried to break in once, but he got caught. He tells JB to enter through the air vents on the roof, and then he leaves.
JB runs out to ask him some more question, but the guy has disappeared. He tells KG he has a good plan and that they need to go. KG however says he got invited by the cute girls to their sorority party. JB says he has to choose between the mission for the pick, or the sorority girls. KG chooses the girls and drives off with them. JB throws a rock, breaking the taillight of Lee's car.
Since KG took the car, JB starts to walk to the museum because it's close.
KG goes to the party and they make him play a guitar, but they don't like it, and they boo him. KG realizes that he misses JB.
Meanwhile JB is sitting under a tree happily munching on hallucinogenic mushrooms because he was starving. He gets up to continue his trip, but he is soon walking in a forest of glowing tye-dyed mushrooms and butterflies. He is so happy. He sees Sasquatch and runs over, hugging him and saying that he loves Sasquatch. It shows him in reality, hugging a tree.
JB asks if he can be a Sasquatch too, and the Sasquatch informs him that he already is, in fact he's Sasquatch's son. JB is suddenly covered in fur and smiles at he Sasquatch Daddy. They romp through the forest. Sasquatch suggests they ride down strawberry river, and they are soon tubing down a bright-red river.
In reality, JB is flailing about happily in the rapids of a rough river. He imagines that he is flying on Sasquatch's back, but is really clinging to a tree branch. He falls to the ground and rolls down a cliff.
Coming back to reality he looks up and sees a sign stating he is only one mile from the Rock and Roll History Museum. Once he gets there, he climbs to the roof and stealthily rolls around and does cartwheels, thinking his is unseen, when really it is all being captured by a security camera. The security guards however aren't watching the monitors, they are smoking joints.
JB dives down an air vent and is crawling through the ducts when KG calls him on the walkie-talkie, KG says he misses JB and they find out they are in the same air duct. Their weight causes it to crash down into the classic rock room. A security guard goes to check on the noise, but when he zooms his flashlight around, somehow doesn't notice JB and KG standing on top of the fallen duct, frozen in rock star poses.
They take the guitarway to heaven stairs and find Van Halen's guitar mounted on the opposite wall with the demon pick wedged in the strings. However there is an elaborate maze of lasers between them and the pick. JB dances through them to techno music. He is almost there when he finds himself unable to move, he is surrounded by lasers on all sides. He sees a button on the wall in front of him that will deactivate the lasers. KG tells him to use a cock push-up. JB strains, and the buttons on his jeans pop off, and he is...um...able to turn the lasers off.
They grab the pick and after sledding down the stairs on a giant speaker, they realize they both have to power slide under the descending security door. They make it but outside are confronted by Tim Robbin's character, the old man. He has a knife and asks for the pick, they refuse and he tells them to walk over to him so he can kill them. They refuse that also. He starts to limp after them, but the cops pull up and calmly and slowly walk up and apprehend him because he is so slow.
They are almost home, excited with the prospect of being great rock stars. A cop pulls them over for the broken tail light. KG is driving and decided to floor it. A marvellous car chase ensues. The cops chase them all around the city, before they finally crash and their car bursts into flames. They escape down a manhole and run through the sewers to arrive just in time for the open mic contest at the bar. Right before they go in they begin to fight about who gets to use the pick, while wrestling for it, it snaps in two. They are devastated but realize they can go on without it. The bar's owner retrieves the broken pic and morphs into Satan now that he has his missing tooth. He wants to take JB and KG to hell but they challenge him to a rock off. His demon laws prevent him from turning down the challenge and they prepare to compete. The stakes are: if Tenacious D wins, Satan must go back to hell forever. If Satan wins he gets to take KG back to hell as his sex-slave.
They rock off, KG plays amazingly, while JB sings and dances around. They have clearly beat Satan. He tries to zap KG but JB jumps in front of him, and the pearl initials engraved into his guitar reflect Satan's green lightening and come back at him, blasting his horn off. JB grabs the horn and utters the same chant the wizard did all those years ago, thus banishing Satan back to hell. They are psyched that they beat Satan with their rock, and go home.
The movie ends with JB and KG getting ready to record a song in KG's apartment, but first they take a hit from their new bong, that they fashioned out of Satan's horn.
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Jack Black meets Kyle Gass in Hollywood, and they become a band. They hear about a pick that all the great bands used, and find out that it is a pick made from Satan's tooth. The steal it from the Rock and Roll History Museum and beat Satan in a rock off challenge.