MOVIE 43

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NOTE: This spoiler was submitted by Steve.

WARNING: Graphic Language

The film opens in a typical studio producer's office. A producer named Griffin (Greg Kinnear) is listening to a pitch from a writer named Charlie (Dennis Quaid, inexplicably dressed like he's twenty years old). Charlie explains that he has an idea for a film with a ton of heart, not unlike "The Help," which Griffin says that he loves. Charlie explains that the film opens on a woman getting ready for a blind date, and she should be played by someone with a lot of credibility like Kate Winslet.

We cut to Beth (Kate Winslet) getting ready for a blind date with the most eligible bachelor in New York, Davis (Hugh Jackman). He's attractive and absurdly successful, yet love has alluded him. Davis & Beth are hitting it off early on in the date, and when they arrive at the restaurant for their date, they begin an argument over who has a softer scarf. Upon taking off his scarf for Beth to feel how soft it is, he reveals that in the middle of his neck, he has a very realistic looking pair of testicles. Nobody else seems to notice them, and Beth seems like a psychopath for being the only one fixated on them. A stiff breeze is unleashed on the table, and the balls retreat up into Davis' neck. Some of Davis' friends stop by the table and offer to take a picture of them on their first date. As Davis gets close to Beth, the balls end up in her mouth.

It abruptly cuts back to Griffin telling Charlie that Kate Winslet would never agree to play such a role. He criticizes the overall concept, and fails to see how it's anything like "The Help." Charlie says that it's not the only idea he has. His next idea involves a couple having dinner at their new neighbors' house. The host couple (Liev Schrieber & Naomi Watts) explain that they are home schooling their teenage son, but they have made every effort to give him as normal a high school experience as possible. This involves them humiliating him in all manner of ways: the father berates his son in gym class, his mother knocks his books out of his hands and calls him "fuck-face," they throw a party and won't let him in. The parents feel it's important for their son to have all the same awkward encounters that any other teenager would have, such as an awkward first kiss. It then cuts to the mother, and her son sitting on his bed as she talks about her feelings for him. She asks to kiss him, he says nothing, and she begins making out with him. It then cuts to the father tying the son to a flagpole and hazing him while filming him. The other couple seems appalled by all this, but then the son comes downstairs and appears to be a normal, well adjusted young man. He tells his parents he's taking his girlfriend out for a date and won't be home until late. He then pulls out a mop with a picture of his mom's face taped to it, and leaves the house for his date.

Griffin is more confused than anything by the pitch at this point, not understanding where the heart is in the story. Charlie says that the next section has tons of heart. Jason (Chris Pratt) sits on a picnic blanket in a park examining an engagement ring. His girlfriend Vanessa (Anna Faris) shows up and says that she has something to ask him. He too has something to ask, and they agree to ask at the same time, but on the count of two, she asks him if he'll poop on her. Jason is baffled, and Vanessa gets embarrassed, but tells her that he loves her and of course he'll poop on her. At a barbecue the next day, Jason tells his friend Larry (JB Smoove), who tells him that he has no idea how lucky he is. He says that because she asked him to poop on her, that means she loves him. He could shit on any old skank, but you only poop on someone you love. He tells him to make sure he eats lots of Mexican food, and even gives him some Viagra (liquid laxative). Jason is next seen in the bathroom, eating burritos and chugging the laxative. He makes his way to the bedroom, but is in obvious discomfort. Vanessa says that they should take it slow and work their way up to it, but Jason is farting uncontrollably and really wants to get on with it. Vanessa insists on taking their time, but Jason finally screams out "just let me shit on you already," and Vanessa gets embarrassed and runs out of the house. Jason follows her, screaming for her, and a car comes out of nowhere and hits him, at which point he evacuates his bowels all over the car and the road. Vanessa runs back and asks if he had built up all that just for her, and when he says that he had, she realizes that she loves him.

Griffin tells Charlie he's done hearing the pitch, but Charlie insists on pressing on. The next part of the story involves a clerk named Neil (Kieran Culkin) at a shady grocery store populated exclusively with grotesque old men. Neil is making obscene announcements over the loud speaker about "vag cream," when a girl named Veronica (Emma Stone) walks up to him. They get into an argument that is broadcast over the loudspeaker in which they accuse one another of all manner of strange things like blowing hobos. Veronica tells Neil that she's leaving him and storms out. An old man comes up to Neil and says that when love walks out the door, he can't stand around and do nothing, he has to go chase her down, and he and several of the customers agree to cover the rest of his shift so he can go after her, which he does.

Then there is a commercial for the iBabe, a naked woman with sound ports that various people are plugged into, listening and dancing to music around the naked woman. Next we see a webcam video of a teenage boy with an iBabe in his room, and his middle finger has been chopped off. The video is being shown to the Boss (Richard Gere) of the company that created the iBabe. Apparently the tech guy (Jack McBrayer) placed a cooling vent with a very sharp fan in the iBabe's vagina, but the blade has been mangling teenage boys that have been placing various parts of their anatomy in the "vent." The boss is baffled, but one of the women in the room, Arlene (Kate Bosworth) saw it coming, and warned them all about it, saying they need to put warning stickers on the player. The boss counters that other mp3 players don't have warnings on them not to put their dicks in them, and the rest of the room agrees with his assessment. They then bring in a new model of the iBabe for him to see, a naked African American woman, and the boss is thrilled that the iBabe now comes in new colors. He tries putting his hand in the "vent," and finds it to be sharp, causing everyone to laugh. Then there's a new iBabe commercial where the entire crotch of the iBabe is wrapped in barbed wire, ending with their new slogan "iBabe: Don't Fuck It."

Charlie tells Griffin about how great it is that they have real commercials in the middle of the movie, and Griffin begins to wonder how Charlie got into his office in the first place. Charlie says that they met at Chasen's, but Griffin says that Chasen's has been closed for twenty years. Charlie admits that he blew the security guard to get on the lot and then snuck into his office. Griffin threatens to call security when Charlie pulls out a gun and tells him that he's going to finish his pitch.

The next story is SuperHero Speed Dating. Robin (Justin Long) is talking to a woman when Batman (Jason Sudeikis) shows up and starts cock-blocking him. The bell rings, and the next woman at Robin's table is Lois Lane (Uma Thurman). Batman calls Superman to tell him that Robin's hitting on Lois and Superman (Bobby Cannavale) shows up and threatens Robin. Batman tells Robin that he's going to hide under the table and tell him what to say when his next date, Supergirl (Kristen Bell), shows up. Batman begins saying all manner of offensive things about Supergirl's untrimmed crotch, which forces her to leave the table. Batman says that he's really there because the Penguin is planning to blow up the place, and he goes to accost the Penguin (John Hodgman) but Wonder Woman (Leslie Bibb) tries to stop him. While she's distracting Batman, the Penguin straps a bomb to Supergirl's chest, threatening to blow the place up. Robin thwarts the Penguin's plan, saving Supergirl. Supergirl thanks Robin and begins to make out with him, when Batman notices something strange about Supergirl and pulls off her mask revealing her to be The Riddler. Batman knew that Supergirl was a man the whole time and had set the whole thing up just to watch Robin kiss a dude.

Another commercial, this one in the style of a UNICEF PSA for Machine Kids, in which an organization is asking for donations and understanding for children who work inside copy machines, ATMs and vending machines. This bit is somewhat cleverly done, but honestly makes no sense. Charlie wants Griffin to greenlight his film, but Griffin tells him that he needs approval from his boss. Charlie says that they're going to go see him and Charlie continues the pitch along the way.

Two seventh graders (Jimmy Bennett and Chloe Grace Moretz) are sitting on a couch at his house and they begin making out. His brother (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) comes in and begins making fun of them. She tells him that she has to go to the bathroom, and he notices a red spot on the couch. It matches a red spot on the back of her pants, and she realizes that she's having her first period. The boy and the brother begin freaking out, looking for something to stop the bleeding. Their father (Patrick Warburton) comes home, but is no help either. Her father (Matt Walsh) arrives and starts a fight with the other father, and the girl stops the fight, telling them that they're a bunch of morons, and that she's going to go call her mother. The father asks the youngest son to pull his finger, presumably because we've gone ten minutes without a fart joke, and they sit on the couch to watch tv.

Griffin & Charlie get to the studio head Bob's (Common) office, and he's hearing a pitch from Seth MacFarlane for a new show that's Family Guy meets Schindler's List. Griffin tries to get Bob to hear the pitch, since Charlie has a gun and a grenade, and Bob tells him that he doesn't have to have his authority to greenlight the pitch. He insults Griffin, telling him that he had sex with his wife and Griffin still kisses his ass. He kicks them both out of the office, and they go back to Griffin's office where Charlie continues his pitch.

Brian (Seann William Scott) is packing his suitcase when his best friend Pete (Johnny Knoxville) begs him not to leave. Brian has to leave because Pete slept with his girlfriend, but Pete tells him that he's got a surprise for him. He takes him to the basement where he's kidnapped a leprechaun (Gerard Butler) and wants the pot of gold. The leprechaun begins cursing them out, telling them that he's going to do all manner of things to their balls. The phone rings and it's the leprechaun's brother who makes additional threats towards their genitals. The doorbell rings and there is a huge pot of gold. Pete brings it downstairs, and another leprechaun pops out and begins beating and shooting at Pete & Brian. Pete manages to get free and stab both leprechauns. They chop them up and throw them away when Pete remembers he has another present for Brian. They go up to his bedroom ,and there's a buxom fairy sitting on the bed. He asks the fairy what she does, and she "sucks cock for pieces of gold."

Griffin begins to get angry about Bob showing him up in front of Seth MacFarlane and everyone else, and grabs the gun, fleeing the office. He stops Bob at his car and threatens to shoot him. Charlie comes out and tries to stop all the violence by pitching them another idea about a blind date. Emily (Halle Berry) and Donald (Stephen Merchant) are on a blind date at a restaurant and decide to play truth or dare. It starts out fairly benign, but when Donald asks for a dare, she tells him to go cup the man's ass that's standing at the bar. He does so and almost gets beaten up for it. The game continues, she asks for a dare, and he dares her to blow out the candles on a blind boy's birthday cake before he can. She agrees, but says that this means war. They then unleash a torrent of dares on one another (making guacamole with her breasts, getting a tattoo of a penis on his face) that culminates in her getting grotesque amounts of botox injected into her face, and him having plastic surgery to look like an Asian man. When he walks her home and asks to see her again, she tells him that she's not into Asian men. He goes to leave, but she then whips out her cosmetically enhanced breasts and tells him to make sure they don't go to waste.

No one seems to like the pitch, and the situation with Bob & Griffin hasn't de-escalated. Bob pulls out a gun and shoots Griffin. There's a sound effect, but the squibs don't go off. After a minute, the squibs go off, and the actors all break characters, saying that it won't work and they'll have to do it again. It pulls out to reveal a director (Peter Farrelly) chastising his crew. Another sketch begins, this time an old filmstrip style story about a coach (Terrence Howard) giving his team a motivational speech. They're the first black basketball players to play an all-white team in 1959. He tells them, essentially, that they're going to kill the white team because they're black. It plays out like the typical coach rallying his players scene, but every reason for why they're going to win is because they're black, and this is basketball. The black players take the court and beat the white team 103-1, the white team's only point coming from a last minute free throw that they celebrate as if they won the game.

Halfway through the credits, another sketch starts up with an animated cat named Beezel. Amy (Elizabeth Banks) has just moved in with Anson (Josh Duhamel) who's in love with his animated cat Beezel. One day, Amy catches Beezel masturbating to pictures of Anson in a swimsuit, and Beezel chases her out of the house and sprays piss all over her. Drenches her in it. When Anson sees what happened, he tells Amy that he'll give Beezel away because she means more to him than anything else. They take a carrier to put Beezel in it and bring it to his mother's house, but they can't find the cat. She goes outside, and Beezel is hiding in the car with a shotgun. He shoots Amy in the back and she goes ballistic, chasing after Beezel with a shovel. She chases him through several yards, finally catching up to him and beating him relentlessly with the shovel in front of a young child's birthday party. Anson & the children see her in a psychotic state, and the kids begin attacking her while Anson takes Beezel back into his arms, shaking his head at Amy.

The credits roll and feature various outtakes from the cast & crew.


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