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MEET THE SPARTANS

NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by Caleb who really had quite a bit to say about the film but come on...Caleb, this is supposed to be a spoiler, not a review. I'm giving you way more leeway on this then I usually do only because the film is sooo bad and to be honest, some of your comments are pretty funny.

As you may have guessed from the title, the "plot" is based on the film 300, so we open with a gruff narrator telling us that in Sparta, all babies were inspected for defects. We see an Elder unwrapping a baby and it's… Shrek. "Are you my mama? 'Cuz I'm ready to suckle a teat," Shrek says and then "BLEEEEAAARRRRRGH". Baby Shrek opens his mouth and spews green puke all over the Elder.

The next baby is Vietnamese, so Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt claim him. Then the Elder unwraps Baby Leonidas, who already has a mustache, beard, and eight-pack abs, such is the vigor of his adrenal gland. The gruff narrator tells us that Leonidas was taught to fight from an early age as we see Teen Leonidas, still with mustache, beard and abs, face off against a grandmother and knock her dentures out. Next we see Adult Leonidas (Sean Maguire), who is going through testicle torture a la James Bond in Casino Royale (where the villain twirls a rope tied to a sack of sand, which is then smashed against Leonidas's testicles). The villain then spreads meat all over Leonidas's balls, and the scene ends with a dog chomping down.

Next, Leonidas is shivering in the snow next to some large boulders as the narrator tells us that he's coping with the elements and starvation. There's a Subway sandwich lying on the ground, which Leonidas picks up and eats and spits out because it lacks mayo. A fake plastic penguin then comes out and starts tap dancing. This is supposed to be a reference to the film Happy Feet, but that is promptly abandoned as the penguin busts out in a fit of ebonics, promising to "bust a cap in yo' ass, cracka!" Highlights of the subsequent tussle include the penguin sitting on Leonidas' face, farting, and dropping a liquid bird load. Finally, Leonidas uses a harpoon to put both the penguin and this scene out of their collective miseries.

All the Spartans cheer the triumphant return of Leonidas. The only cheers for this film that you'll ever hear will come from the film itself, I promise you. Some Spartanettes squeal over Leonidas, but he is suddenly taken by the sight of Queen Margo (Carmen Electra), who comes out sucking on a lollipop and does a provocative dance to hip-hop music. Carmen Electra (I'm just going to refer to her by her real name; it's not like she's actually acting or anything) asks Leonidas to sign her boobs. Leonidas asks Carmen to marry him. Carmen accepts by writing the combination to her Masterlock chastity belt on his chest.

During the scene transition, Carmen gives birth to Leo Jr. Leonidas teaches his son the lessons of combat by beating the crap out of him with piledrives and body slams accompanied by an extensive soundtrack of crunching bones. This progresses into chasing Leo Jr. with a chainsaw and shooting at him with a paintball gun. A Spartan Captain (Kevin Sorbo) appears and informs Leonidas that there's a Persian envoy waiting to meet with them.

Wow, the "writers" resisted gay jokes for ten whole minutes, but here they are. Leonidas greets Xerxes's messenger with an open-mouthed kiss with tongue, which is how the Spartan men do it. Cue shots of Spartan men caressing each other. Leonidas then takes the messenger by the hand and walks toward the "Pit of Death".

The messenger informs Leonidas of Xerxes's terms: the Spartan men will build pyramids, the women will become sex slaves, and the children will work in sweatshops making Nikes. Councilman Traitor-o (seriously) thinks the terms sound reasonable. Leonidas ponders his decision as Carmen Electra starts making out with the Persian. There is outrage, and then Leonidas utters the famous "THIS IS SPARTA!" line complete with a huge spray of phlegm that hits the messenger in the face. Xerxes's messengers are all kicked into the Pit of Doom. Then suddenly, Britney Spears is there, shaving her head and breastfeeding her spawn. She babbles crazily about how crazy she is, but her words make as much sense as any other piece of dialogue in this film, so I dunno. Anyway, she's kicked into the pit as well, along with K-Fed, Sanjaya, Simon, Randy, Paula, and Ryan Seacrest.

Leonidas goes to consult the ancient prophets and bribes them with moisturizer and skin cream, because they are shriveled up and have scaly skin. This "joke" is as clever as this movie will get. Leonidas informs the ancients that he is going to war with the Persians and plans to "take them from the rear". He continues: "and then I'm gonna reach around, and I'm gonna take them again from the FRONT!" The ancients snigger and remark that it'll "look like backstage at an Elton John concert". Then they tell Leonidas that he has to consult the oracle.

The oracle is Ugly Betty. "I look like Jabba the Hutt, that is hot to me!" explains one of the ancients. Ugly Betty sneezes and the huge spray of phlegm makes its second appearance in the film, thus achieving more screen time than 90% of the "actors" cast in this. One of the ancients starts licking Ugly Betty's face and then actually sticks his tongue up her nostril. Ugly Betty whispers the prophecy, which the ancient translates as "fo' shizzle my nizzle. Save the cheerleader, save the world. Douchebag says 'what'." "What?" says Leonidas. Ugly Betty and the ancients snicker. "Chest waxer says 'what'," says the ancient. "What?" says Leonidas. Ugly Betty and the ancients snicker. I open up a second bottle of vodka. "Go to war and you will surely die," Ugly Betty finally states. Leonidas is still confused, so the ancients sum it up for him. "You're screwed, dude."

Inexplicably, Leonidas is suddenly standing naked in his doorway. We get a shot of his crotch, which is void of penis. Some Spartanettes giggle at this, and the sound of laughter seems so out of place that I need a few minutes to recover. "It's cold!" Leonidas huffs and goes inside where Carmen Electra is sleeping. Leonidas lifts the blankets to reveal the words "Leonidas was here" tattooed on her back. He smiles, but the tattoo continues. "So was… Tommy Lee, Kobe, Shaq, Dr. Phil, Tara Reid, Borat, and the Oakland Raiders." Okay then.

Carmen Electra wakes up and there's some dialogue about the hard decision Leonidas has to make about going to war, but none of it matters because it's just a setup for "this could be our last night together. Let's have sex." They both moan and groan as if in the throes of lovemaking, but actually, he's bench pressing her.

The next day, Leonidas greets the Captain and is ready to lead his soldiers. There are only about ten of them. Leonidas is puzzled, because he asked for 300. According to the Captain, however, only the few men met the king's stringent requirements: "hunky with deep Mediterranean tans, hot bods, and uh… well endowed." The men give a hearty "AUWHOO!" and the camera focuses on the fat soldier that's front and center. He is pasty white and his gut hangs out. The Captain compliments the fat soldier's manboobs as Leonidas gives them a squeeze. It pains me to think that this is someone's son.

More gay jokes. Leonidas caresses the Captain's shoulder, face, and hair, commenting about what a fine man specimen he is. Also a fine man specimen is the Captain's son, who has a huge package. The huge package is a cardboard box. The Captain introduces his son as Sonny-o. Leonidas flirts with Sonny-o, and then asks the judging panel of Sparta's Next Top Model to rate the guy. Ugh. The judging panel of SNTM gives insightful comments such as "yummy", "fierce", and "work it sister". Then Tyra Banks gets up and says "if you don't like it, you can kiss my fat ass!" She turns around and her skirt lifts up, revealing a fat, cellulite ridden, pimply ass.

Carmen Electra and Leo Jr. are there to say goodbye. There's a combination paternity joke and midget joke rolled into one that would take too long to explain and it's not like it makes any sense anyway. And it's not like anyone is even reading this anyway. Anyway! Leonidas bids farewell to his son with a punch in the face.

Councilman Traitor-o text messages a warning to Xerxes that the Spartans are on there way. After some last minute preparations that include spray-painting a six-pack onto Fat Guy's gut, the Spartans are ready to join hands and prance toward battle in a gay way while singing I Will Survive by Aretha Franklin. Gay jokes have totally established a supermajority in this film.

The Spartans reach their destination and drink Gatorade. Fatty McManboobs stuffs his face, because he's fat. Paris Hilton appears and warns Leonidas about an alternate mountain path that the Persians could potentially use to get a jump on the Spartans. She wants to join the Spartans but Leonidas declines. No joke is too trite for this movie, so they make fun of Paris Hilton's sluttiness as she rubs her spear suggestively. Paris Hilton starts crying and says "I'm not as stupid as I look!" as she throws her shield into the air. It comes back down and knocks her over, and her crotch area has to be blurred. Sadly, this behavior isn't at all outrageous for Paris Hilton.

Xerxes's special forces suddenly arrive in their black samurai-like uniforms and silver facemasks. The two sides face off and after exchanging death stares and tough words, Fat Guy suddenly runs out screaming, sword drawn over his head, and jumps at the Persians. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, he overshoots and splatters against the side of the mountain.

Now it's time to battle. The Spartans line up and perform a stomp routine that includes the chant "we are the Spartans! We stomp the yard! Oooh oooh!" The Persians retaliate with their own stomp routine that ends with the soldiers pulling down their pants and mooning the Spartans. The movie forgets its obsession with gay jokes for a moment as the Spartans cover their eyes in disgust.

Oh my God, they're going to drag out this dance battle "joke" until its great grandchildren are dead. The Spartans start breakdancing. The Persians retaliate with breakdancing of their own. The entire scene actually goes on for several minutes and concludes with Leonidas saying "you got served." Uh huh.

The parade of reality television judging panels continue as the judges from Dancing with the Spartans give the performance three 10s. Man, it's true what everyone says about the judges on that show being complete pushovers. The Spartans advance on the Persians and force them off a cliff. There are some more gay jokes referencing spray tanning, antiquing, and the homosexual nature of the Spartan uniform (leather underwear and a cape).

Meanwhile, some old guy is telling Carmen Electra that she has to speak to the Spartan council on behalf of Leonidas. Otherwise, Xerxes will take over and confiscate her Nintendo Wii. I am not making this up. The old guy advises Carmen to talk to Traitor-o, who holds a position of influence on the council. Is this actual plot advancement? In this film? Huh.

Back at the "war front" (I'm totally wearing out my quotation mark keys) Xerxes approaches the Spartans on his big moving throne. Xerxes is fat and hairy. Xerxes offers Leonidas a deal and suddenly, they're on the set of Deal or No Deal and there are a bunch of models with briefcases. Xerxes takes a call from The Banker and offers Leonidas a free trip to Las Vegas in exchange for a Spartan surrender. "Deal… or no deal?" All the Spartans urge Leonidas to take the deal, har har har, but the king decides no. Xerxes is outraged. "When I'm through with you, you'll be written out of the history books!" he cries. "That's fine, because I. Can't. Read!" Leonidas replies. Now there's a one-liner worthy of Horatio Caine.

Your Mama jokes? Sure, why not. "Yo' Mama is so fat that when she breastfeeds, Kool-Aid squirts out," says a black dude who may or may not be Method Man. I'm not exactly sure. I also have no idea where he came from. The Captain fires back with "Your Mama's so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday!" Counterpoint: "Your Mama's so fat, her pant size is BITCH LOSE SOME WEIGHT!" I can't figure out if these jokes are bad on purpose so as to stay consistent with the rest of the film (i.e. no risk of making anyone actually laugh). "Your Mama's so butch, even Rosie O'Donnell wouldn't date her," says Fat Guy. "Well yo' Mama's titties is smaller than yours," is the retort. This adds to my discomfort because I imagine that the "actor" was excited about inviting his actual Mama to come see this film, and then she has to sit through the scripted humiliation that her son was typecast for, and then act all happy about it afterward. Plus, her titties probably are smaller than his. Oi.

Oh, we're not done with the Mama jokes yet. Why am I not surprised? "You're Mama's so fat, Sir Mix-A-Lot decided, he don't like big butts. And he ain't lying!" "Your Mama's so fat that when she farts, Al Gore accuses her of global warming." "Yes well, that may be the case, but your Mama's so hairy that the only language she speaks is Wookiee. WHRRRRRRRRE!" King Leonidas wins the Your-Mama-off with this final gem.

Next we see Carmen Electra meeting with Traitor-o to ask him for his help in convincing the council to send troop reinforcements. Please! She'll do anything! She punctuates this by taking off her clothes. There is an actual SPROINGGG sound effect as Traitor-o smiles in glee. Finally, he'll lose his virginity! And Carmen Electra won't enjoy it, because he has ED (erectile dysfunction) and it won't last very long. That's okay, because she has crabs. We get a shot of her underwear and there are oversized crabs crawling all over it.

Back at Xerxes's Persian orgy, Paris Hilton is betraying the Spartans. Xerxes asks her to bow down to him. "I'm a Hilton. I don't bow, but I do bend over," she says, in case you missed all the other jokes about her sluttiness. She tells Xerxes about the secret mountain passage.

Back at the Spartan camp, Leonidas is drinking Starbucks coffee when Sonny-o runs up and tells him that the Persians have found the secret mountain passage. Dagnabbit! Apparently, Fat Guy is wounded: he has no eyes. How he sustained these injuries is not explained at all (he musta gotten cut by those tissue-sharp Your Mama jokes earlier). Instead, Leonidas ties a bandage around his head and sends him back to Sparta.

Now the Persians are back! Leonidas gets so worked up that steam actually comes out of his ears. Really. The Spartans prance into battle to face Xerxes. There's some back and forth between Leo and Zercks ("Bow down to me!" "Never!") and then Xerxes reveals his massive army, which is actually a blue screen. There's a meta joke about visual effects.

Back in Sparta, Carmen Electra approaches the council. She shakes her ass. She shakes her boobs. She shakes both at the same time. Then she gets all serious and implores the council to send troops to help Leonidas. Traitor-o speaks up against Carmen, calling her a slut. "Oh no you di'in't," Carmen pretends to be mad, but you can tell she knows he's right. In any case, she turns into Venom, the villain from the Spiderman series. I swear I am not making this up.

Venom Carmen attacks Traitor-o, who is made of sand. They fight for about seven seconds before Venom Carmen belly-flops onto Traitor-o, crushing him into sand grains. A cat then comes and poops on the sand. Traitor-o reforms himself from the sand, and the cat poop is stuck to his cheek. The council members practice their fake laughs and it's seriously the best acting in the entire film.

Carmen then busts out a Dirt Devil and vacuums Traitor-o up. All that remains is his toga and his cell phone, which one of the councilmen picks up and sees that Xerxes is in his Top 5. "Traitor-o was a traitor?" Yes, this joke is actually in the movie. The council decides to send troops to back up Leonidas.

Speaking of which, Leonidas and the Spartans get in their war stance. Any scene with half-naked men calls for a few gay jokes, which are delivered. Then we get the first bit of actual fighting we've seen since Leonidas was beating up on his son. The actual fighting goes like this: the Spartans hold their shields out in front of them and the Persians run up and crash into them. Everyone falls over. This scene contains the only bit of actual funny in the entire film because there's a wide shot the clash and you see that there's a total of like ten people, twelve tops. I'm too lazy to go back and add quotations to all the instances of "army", "battle", and related words.

Then we get a long and drawn out footage of the Spartans kicking Persian ass in slow motion. This scene includes bits of comic brilliance such as: King Leonidas rips apart the shirt of a Persian soldier and gives him a purple nurple and King Leonidas gives a Persian soldier an atomic wedgie.

It turns out that Ghost Rider is a member of the Persian army. He poses on his motorcycle and swings his chain menacingly, but then Sonny-o uses a fire extinguisher and puts out the flaming skull. The Captain is proud of his son, and the two exchange grins. The Persians take advantage of this break in concentration by setting loose Rocky (as in Balboa). Rocky punches Sonny-o's head off. "Noooooo!" screams the Captain. He punches Rocky in the face and knocks off all his hair. Then he punches Rocky in the groin and knocks off his boxing shorts. Rocky is wearing adult diapers. The Captain sees an oversized syringe full of Botox on the ground and injects the entire dose into Rocky's face. Rocky dies. The Captain holds up a heavyweight title belt in triumph. Xerxes heaves a spear. The Captain is impaled. Leonidas is mad, and suddenly we are in a Grand Theft Auto parody. A convertible appears out of nowhere and Leonidas pulls the driver out and changes the radio station. Barbie Girl comes on and Leonidas dances and sings along. Then we're back to the video game spoof as Leonidas beats down a Persian with a crowbar and then shoots down some others with dual uzis. I finish up my third bottle of vodka.

Xerxes sees that his army is losing and makes a break for it. He trips over the Transformers cube. This is a stroke of luck because the convertible from earlier is still there. Oh my gosh, continuity? What are you doing in this movie?

The convertible transforms and Xerxes melds with it. The result is what it would look like if you mated a Teletubby and a monster from a classic Power Rangers episode (after Rita Repulsa makes it grow). Xerxes's giant fat face sneers, and he turns on the big television screen and Chris Crocker of LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! fame pops up. "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!" he screams. I'd like to note that the footage is from the actual, infamous YouTube video, because even Chris Crocker probably has too much dignity to make an actual cameo in this film.

Xerxes advances on the Spartan troops, but uh oh, his extension cord isn't long enough. It unplugs and a powerless (literally) Xerxes shuts off and falls over… right on top of all the Spartans. "Leonidas was right and the god-king did fall," says the narrator. "Unfortunately, he fell right on top of them." This movie sure knows how to squeeze as much mileage out of a joke as possible.

Carmen Electra is sad. She pouts. King Leonidas has died with his eyes open and a smile on his lips. The film gets in one last gay joke as the camera zooms out and we see another Spartan soldier sprawled out on top of Leonidas, ass in the good king's face.

The movie ends with Fat Guy commanding another brigade of Spartans as they face off against some Persians. He tells them the story of Leonidas for motivation, and then leads the charge. Unfortunately, since he is blind, he leads the charge in the wrong direction. The Spartans all follow him and they end up in… Malibu. Just as Lindsay Lohan is leaving the rehab center. I consider checking in to the rehab center as I polish off another bottle of vodka. Fat Guy runs into Lindsay, knocking her backwards. Her legs spread apart, opening up her skirt and the camera zooms in on her blurred out crotch. And END!

All right, wow this is long. I can't believe I wasted two and a half hours of my life doing this. And it's probably not even usable because it's totally saturated with my own remarks. Sorry about that! I just couldn't help myself. This movie is so bad that I had to talk myself through it to make it bearable. Besides, the point of the movie is that it's so egregious and awful, right? I figure a semi-review would still be good because you can't really convey this movie without going into painful detail. I'll try to make an actual contribution later for a film that's actually good.


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