NOTE: This spoiler was written and submitted by L.
Machete Cortez (Danny Trejo) is a Mexican federale searching for a kidnapped girl with his partner. His boss tells him to wait for backup and his partner insists that this is one they play by the books. Machete is gunning for his ex-partner, Torrez, a notorious Spanish criminal. Machete and his partner drive through the entrance of the house, killing three henchmen. Machete’s partner is shot to death as they drive into the house and Machete apologizes before bursting into the house and commencing with the slaughter.
After fighting his way through the house, Machete finds the girl naked in bed and carries her downstairs where more of Torrez’s men are amassing. She feels his Machete, holstered to his thigh and asks him if it’s sharp before reaching down and pulling it out. The woman stabs Machete in the thigh and calls Torrez (Steven Seagal) and his slave girl, Ling, into the room. Torrez thanks the girl for her assistance and then has Ling shoot her in the back of the head. Staring down at the wounded Machete, he calls for his men to bring Machete’s wife into the room and Torrez beheads her in front of Machete and tells him that even Machete’s daughter is dead. He tells Machete that beheadings are an honorable way to die and lets him know that Machete will not die an honorable death. Knocking Machete out with a kick to the face, Torrez and his men ignite the house and leave Machete to die.
3 Years Later.
A family of Mexicans is attempting to make their way over the border in the dead of night. A young man and his sick and pregnant wife are separated from the rest of the group when a group of border patrol vigilantes arrive to keep them from entering the country. Lt. Stillman (Don Johnson) sees that the woman is pregnant and shoots her, justifying the killing by stating that if that baby was born in the US it would have all the rights of an American. He spouts his anger to a passenger who emphatically agrees before shooting the young woman’s husband in the head. The Senator turns to Lt. Stillman’s cameraman and asks if he caught all that: he wants a copy for his campaign supporters to laugh at.
Senator McLaughlin (Robert DeNiro) is running a campaign for re-election in Texas on the platform that, if re-elected he will support initiatives to deport all illegal immigrants and build a wall along the border to keep them out. Luz (Michelle Rodriguez) runs a Taco stand which is a cover for “the Network,” a group dedicated to ferrying Mexicans into the States and helping them set up a normal life. Sartana (Jessica Alba), an I.C.E. border patrol agent is watching Luz, and suspects she might be the smuggler known only as “Shé.” Luz sees Machete unable to get work and gives him a coffee and taco, telling him that he can pay her back later.
Machete wanders around and ends up finding a fight going on. Illegals fighting over a 500 dollar pot, the person who survives 5 minutes against the reigning champion gets to keep the money. Machete agrees to fight and puts his coffee down. As he calmly eats his taco, he dodges all the fighter’s jabs until the fighter breaks his arm on a wall. Satisfied, Machete leaves and takes the 500 dollar pot, unaware that he was being watched for an audition.
Booth (Jeff Fahey) pulls up next to Machete and tells him to get in. Machete lists his services in a monotonous drone, telling him how much it costs for septic and sewage. Booth brushes these suggestions aside and asks Machete if he has ever killed a man. They pull into Booth’s residence and Booth explains: Senator McLaughlin’s initiative will eject a large amount of the labor force into Mexico, thereby removing cheap labor. Cheap labor is the life blood of Texas, without it Texas’s economy would tank. In order to keep Illegals in the state and keep labor costs low, Machete must kill Senator McLaughlin. Booth tells Machete that he will pay him 150,000 dollars in exchange for the assassination which must take place at precisely 1:04. If Machete doesn’t accept, something very bad will happen to him. Machete agrees and takes a sniper rifle and machete from Booth’s armory.
Machete takes his $150,000 to Luz and tells her to use it for the Network. She is shocked that he has come up with that amount of money but glad that he is willing to help. After Machete leaves, Santara stops by to have a tense chat with Luz about Luz’s activities. They question each other’s motives and Luz points out that Santara has made a living sending her own relatives back to their own personal hell.
At 1 pm the next day, Senator McLaughlin gives his speech detailing his plan to remove all Illegals. Booth, who is in the crowd watching, checks his watch and sees that it is 1:05 pm. Machete is at the top of the building opposite the capital building and has set up his rifle, prepared to shoot, when he notices a second shooter (Booth’s aide). Machete is shot in the shoulder and then the Aide shoots McLaughlin in the leg, framing Machete. Realizing he has been screwed over, Machete fights his way out of the building without killing anyone before being apprehended by the police.
Inside the car, the policemen reveal that they are working for Booth and that they are taking Machete to be killed. However, their conversation reveals that they didn’t frisk Machete, who stabs the driver with his machete, twisting it in the direction he wants the car to drive. He escapes the car as it explodes, killing both of the fake officers. Wounded, he makes his way to a hospital which specializes in treating Illegals.
At the hospital, the doctor checks over Machete with his two nurses (the lovely Avellan sisters) and see that Machete only survived because he had previously been shot before. The Aide’s men arrive to try and kill Machete but he hides under a car propelled by an oxygen tank to get behind them. He proceeds to hack and gut all of the men to pieces before escaping, leaving the Aide to report his failure to Booth.
Booth calls his backer, Torrez, to explain the situation. Torrez is surprised to see that Machete is alive, but doesn’t tell Booth of their history. He simply asks if Machete is dead yet. Booth gives him the run around and tells Torrez that soon Machete will be dead and McLaughlin will be re-elected. Booth gets another call and ends up having to go to a crack house to recover his daughter April (Lindsay Lohan) by shooting every junkie in the house. She apologizes as he takes her home.
Machete is picked up by Luz who takes him to her house and treats his wounds with an egg. The two talk about how Luz created the identity of Shé as a way to give hope and uses the Network to help people get a better life. The two end up having sex. Meanwhile, Sartana is called by her boss and realizes that she’s seen Machete before. She goes on the hunt for him and Luz. The Aide, who also senses a connection between the two, takes his men to Luz’s house where they are promptly killed by Machete (who woke alone). The Aide blows up the house as Sartana arrives but Machete has already escaped.
Sartana finds Machete leaving the scene, wounded but alive. She arrests him and he explains that he wasn’t going to kill McLaughlin, just shoot him in the neck so he couldn’t talk. He explains his situation and tells her that he can get proof. He steals her gun and forces her to cook for him. He eats and leaves the gun with her, impressing her with his faith in the fact that she wouldn’t shoot him in the back.
Booth and his family are eating tacos for dinner when April tells her father that she wants to model. He is surprised and tells her he doesn’t really believe in her success in that field but she implies that she’s been doing pornography for a while. Torrez calls for an update on Machete’s status, distracting Booth, and is pissed to learn that Machete is still alive. He asks how Booth can continue to employ failures and watches Booth strangle the Aide to death. Booth assures Torrez that he has hired the best assassin possible: Osiris Ampanpour (Tom Savini). Torrez makes it clear, if Osiris fails, he will come up and kill both Booth and Machete.
Machete goes to his brother, Padre, a priest for help. Padre has turned his church into an security house and tells Machete that Booth comes there for confession regularly (talking about the assassination and his impure thoughts about his daughter, April). Padre gives Machete recordings of these confessions and Machete asks to borrow the hearse Padre keeps for his side business.
Luz calls on her two trusted disciples to help expand the Network. Julio, a white ginger with a complex, is impressed by the firepower she is packing but their conspiracy to go to war with Lt. Stillman is cut short when Sartana arrives. However, instead of arresting them, she asks them to pass a message on to Machete for her. The trio begins working on a way to gather their men together to fight.
Machete arrives at Booth’s house when he isn’t home and brings a bottle of tequila. He beats Booth’s men until they leave and ends up walking in on April and her mother about to make a lesbian porno. Machete joins them and gives them drugged tequila before putting them in the hearse he borrowed. He steals all of Booth’s files and leaves the video camera for Booth to find. Machete drives the knocked out pair to the church and leaves them with Padre. Machete then goes off to present his evidence to Sartana at her house. The two drink together and end up sleeping in the same bed.
Osiris and his men arrive at Padre’s but Padre sees them coming on his security cameras. Padre grabs his shotguns from his car and prepares to go to work. He kills all of the men except for Osiris, who blows a hole in Padre’s kneecap. Osiris and Booth proceed to crucify Padre in an attempt to find Machete and Booth’s family. Padre tells Booth his family is in hell, so Booth tells him to give him his regards, driving the nail into Padre’s arm, unaware he is being videotaped.
Machete and Sartana wake up to find the house surrounded by Booth’s men. They dispatch all of them and Machete realizes Padre is in danger. He rushes to the church and finds him dead on the cross. They take the recording of his death and Sartana goes to the Pro-Immigrant Reporting Channel providing damning evidence that Booth arranged the assassination attempt to get McLaughlin re-elected and that it would serve to create a border controlled by Torrez and Booth.
Luz is approached outside her armory by Stillman and his second in command. Stillman accuses her of orchestrating the assassination and tells her that he believes in an eye for an eye. He shoots Luz in the face and leaves.
Machete texts Booth telling him that he just fucked with the wrong Mexican. Booth assists McLaughlin during his release from the hospital, even providing a cane so that McLaughlin can “milk it.” During the conference the reporter that Sartana gave her evidence to shows the clips and exposes Booth as the mastermind. McLaughlin is furious and is exposed as a border patrol nut having shot a young man whose pregnant wife was murdered only moments before.
McLaughlin and Booth exchanged words and Booth declares that he is the only reason McLaughlin is even in the Senate. McLaughlin pulls out a gun and shoots Booth in the chest twice, leaving him for dead. He calls Lt. Stillman and tells him to be ready to get him a place to lie low. Machete arrives to kill Booth and McLaughlin but finds Booth dying already. Booth tells Machete what’s going on and where to find McLaughlin. Machete tells Booth that his family is with God, and Booth dies saying that he will probably not be seeing them around. At the church, April and her mother wake up and call Booth’s office, only to find out that he is dead. Angry, April takes a nun’s habit and goes out to hunt down McLaughlin.
Machete returns to Luz’s taco stand, which has become a memorial. Julio leads Machete to a chop shop where he begins working on their low riders, assembling the Network’s supporters to come and help their war against Lt. Stillman. Sartana calls upon the Mexicans lounging about to come help and they put aside their differences to help Machete. After her speech, Torrez arrives and pulls her aside, taking her hostage.
McLaughlin arrives at Lt. Stillman’s but is quickly apprehended and put in a dark room to be executed on national television for terrorism. McLaughlin calls Stillman a terrorist, but the execution is interrupted by Machete’s attack. Chaos ensues as Luz arrives (with an eye patch over her missing eye) and the Lowrider Army attacks all of Lt. Stillman’s men. Luz kills Stillman and tells McLaughlin that if he wants to survive, he’ll need to become a Mexican very fast. They dress him up and send him out to fight among them. April arrives and runs McLaughlin over with Padre’s hearse before shooting him three times in the chest. Machete kills numerous opponents before Torrez arrives to fight Machete.
The two duel and discuss their differences: Machete was motivated by honor while Torrez wanted Power. Machete is disarmed and about to be beheaded when he pulls out a spare Machete and drives the blade into Torrez’s stomach. Torrez laughs and tells him that the wound is nothing. He points out that he could easily kill Machete but he knows that if he does, Machete will be waiting for him in hell. He tosses his sword aside and grabs the machete, twisting it until he has killed himself, denying Machete the satisfaction.
With the battle over, Machete leaves town. Sartana stops him and gives him papers to be a real person again, but Machete doesn’t want to settle for being real: he’s already a myth among his people. Sartana gets on his bike and makes out with him as they leave to cross the border to other countries. McLaughlin, who was wearing a bullet proof vest, wakes up in the middle of the night and tries to get away from the compound but is found by the remnants of Stillman’s patrol. They shoot him repeatedly, assuming he is a Mexican and leave him dead in the remnants of his own fence.
Coming Soon: Machete Kills! and Machete Kills…AGAIN.