The movie begins in a picture perfect, little Indian village, where we are introduced to Guru Pitka (Mike Meyers) talking into his recorder which allows him to sound like a man, a woman, or Morgan Freeman. He is the #2 Guru in the world, next to Deepak Chopra. A flashback shows us that Pitka is an orphan of missionairies in India. Both Pitka and Chopra were taught by Guru Tugginmypudha (Ben Kingsley). Pitka says he wants to become a Guru so that girls will love him. So Tugginmypudha puts a chastity belt on him until he can learn that loving himself, is more important than being loved by others.
Pitka's dream is to become the number #1 Guru and to get on Oprah. He lives a charmed life scooting around on his mobile pillow. He has thousands of followers, including celebrities like Jessica Simpson, Val Kilmer and Mariska Hergitay. The latter being ironic since Pitka's mantra, is "Mariska Hargitay". We attend one of his teachings which involve a lot of anagrams and play on words on a slide show. Ex: Nowhere can also be Now Here. Pitka has a gorgeous palace with a beautiful female staff, helicopter, elephants and a servant, Rajneesh, who squeezes fresh orange juice out of a tree for him and has an ostrich lay his morning egg for him.
Meanwhile, in Canada. Jane Bullard's(Jessica Alba) father passed away and left her a hockey team, the Toronto Maple Leafs. They haven't won a Stanley Cup since she took over so the city hates her. Her star player, Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco), the Tiger Woods of Hockey, has been playing poorly ever since his wife Prudence (Meagan Good) left him for a well endowed Frenchman, Le Cocq (Justin Timberlake). Le Cocq plays for the rival Los Angeles Kings. He's got a tattoo on his abdomen that reads "The Legend" with an arrow pointing down.
When Pitka is introduced to Jane Bullard, we get a cute Indian musical fantasy. Jane is a big fan of Guru Pitka's, having read all of his books. She's paying him 2 million dollars to patch up Darren's marriage, in time to win the Stanley Cup. Pitka's agent is thrilled and says that if Pitka patches up the marriage, Oprah will have him on her show.
Pitka has an anagram, DRAMA tattoed on his hand. D represents Distraction. Guru Tugginmypudha taught him the lesson of distraction with the use of his own urine. Pitka encourages the rival team to beat Darren up during a game, thus distracting him from his emotional distress over Prudence and Le Cocq. Darren begins to play well but then gets suspended for the next two games after beating up Le Cocq and hitting Coach Cherkov (Verne Troyer) with a hockey puck.
There's a meeting in the Coach's tiny office, complete with mini water cooler, where they argue about the situation. Later, Pitka has dinner with Jane, gets her to move in for a kiss, only to hear a ding on his chastity belt. He tells her it can not be, she doesn't understand and runs out. Next, Pitka tells Darren to write an Apology note to Prudence. Pitka gets in a huge fight with Le Cocq's guard rooster in order to deliver the note.
The R in Drama is Regression. Apparently Darren is afraid of his mom. They confront her at her Church choir but she ends up scaring both Pitka and Darren out of the church with her harsh words. Time is running out so Pitka skips through the rest of the anagram. He distracts Le Cocq with his idol, Celine Dion. Then lies to Prudence, telling her Darren stood up to his mom, getting her to go back to Darren.
At the last game. Le Cocq, having overheard that Darren can't play with his mom in the audience. Gets Darren's mom to sing the national anthem, causing Darren to run out of the game. Meanwhile, Pitka is at the airport, on his way to the Oprah show. He sees the news on TV and defies his agent by going to the game to help Darren. After smoothing things over with his mom. Darren is ok again until Le Cocq says Prudence also said "Damn" to him in bed. Darren freezes and Pitka realizes he needs to distract Darren from whatever is troubling him.
Pitka gets 2 elephants to have sex in the middle of the ring, in front of millions of TV audience. Darren wakes up from his stupor, hits the winning goal and everyone lives happily ever after. Back in the first Indian village, Guru Tugginmypudha removes Pitka's chastity belt, there was a hook in the back. Jane and Pitka kiss. The ending is a musical number with Jane and Pitka dancing Indian musical style.
ps: Blooper reel shows Coach Cherkov standing in front of a group of people. Director says "All I see is butts." Coach Cherkov, played by Verne Troyer of Mini Me fame says "Now you know how it feels."