Don't Say
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NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by TheABCs who says... "The movie was OK, but imminently rentable. The funny moments are pretty far apart. The shots in Europe are gorgeous, though."

The Los Angeles airport bustles with passengers. Over the PA system, a woman announces that a flight is arriving from Venice. Sarah (Brittany Murphy) and Tom (Ashton Kutcher) begin walking down the concourse, giving each other dirty looks and making it increasingly obvious that they despise each other. Tom bumps into Sarah, knocking her into a man with a full cup of coffee -- which ends up poured all over Sarah. In retaliation, Sarah takes the gum out of her mouth and throws it into Tom's hair.

Outside the airport, Sarah tells Tom that she'll come by the loft the next day to pick up her things. Tom heads off to the parking deck to drive home. Sarah, daunted by the line of people waiting for taxis, decides her best chance for a ride home is with Tom. After revving his engine and toying with the idea of running over Sarah, Tom tells her to get in.

Tom and Sarah pull up at the gates of a posh Beverly Hills mansion. Yuan, looking at Tom by way of a security monitor, resists opening the gate. Sarah gets Yuan to buzz them in and Tom tears up the driveway, slamming the brakes in front of the doors. Sarah's sister greets her at the door. When Tom leaves -- in a massive display of anger and testosterone, he destroys the potted plants lining the circular drive -- the sister comforts Sarah and says their parents will fix the "Tom thing."

Tom arrives home to find his friend Kyle snoring on the couch. He checks the answering machine which plays the outgoing message first: Tom and Sarah live here, but are in Europe on their honeymoon. Upon hearing a message from Peter, Tom pounds his fist into the answering machine, breaking it.

Later that night, Tom arrives for work at KNR Radio. His co-worker asks what happened. "We had the perfect relationship ruined by marriage," Tom replies. The co-worker agrees that Tom and Sarah were nauseatingly perfect together.

Flashback to when Tom and Sarah first met: Tom and his friends are playing football on the beach. Sarah can be seen in the background, walking her dog along the shoreline. A pass is missed and Sarah gets smacked in the face by the football. Tom runs over to see if she's OK. Later, they go to a nearby bar and have a few beers while playing some pool. Tom tells Sarah that he's the nighttime spot traffic reporter at the radio station. "You're THAT Tom," Sarah replies. She had called him a couple weeks back to complain about a traffic report he'd given that caused her to spend three hours on the expressway. Tom tells Sarah that what he really wants is to do sports broadcast work, but everyone has to start somewhere. Sarah works as a go-fer at Sotheby's auction house. Tom recognizes her last name: Her dad is part-owner of the Lakers and Dodgers.

Tom takes Sarah home and spends the night with her. A month later, they move in together.

The scene shifts back to the present, where Tom is continuing to lament about the bust-up of his marriage. His co-worker tells Tom that he's going to be on the air in 10 seconds, but Tom is too wrapped up in his misery to notice. He inadvertently laments the crappy marriage proposal on air, before shifting gears and giving the traffic report.

Flashback to the events leading up to Tom's proposal: Tom is sitting at his desk in the loft, reading a sports magazine. Sarah's bulldog, Bangs, is tugging at Tom's ankle. Tom, irritated with the dog's desire to play, throws a tennis ball over his shoulder. The ball bounces on the floor and out the window -- and the dog follows the ball to his death. Tom is horrified.

At the dog's graveside, Sarah expresses some doubt in Tom's story that Bangs chased a taunting pigeon and fell to his death from the window. She points out that Tom's nostrils are flaring -- a sign that he's lying. Tom gets upset at her accusation and Sarah apologizes for doubting him. She makes him promise that they will never lie to each other. They embrace and Sarah tells Tom she wants to be married to him. Tom says he wants to be married to her, too.

Sarah and Tom drive to her parents' house to share the good news of their engagement. Sarah's family is stunned, but Sarah's mom is able to welcome Tom to the family and at least put on a show of being happy. Peter Prentis (Christian Kane) is there, working on a business deal with Sarah's father. Mr. McNerney tells Peter that he missed the boat (this is said in front of the entire family, Tom and Sarah); Peter replies that he should have been courting Sarah instead of working 19 hour days. Peter wishes Tom and Sarah the best.

On their wedding day, the church is a study in contrasts. Sarah's side of the church is quiet and dignified; Tom's side of the church looks like a kegger in progress. From the groom's room, Tom and his best man, Kyle, watch Tom's father arrive. Kyle keeps giving Tom reasons why it's dumb to get married: you'll never be with another woman, how can one woman satisfy you for a lifetime, and so on. Tom counters everything Kyle says. He says his love for Sarah is enough. Kyle tells him it will be enough unless Sarah finds out how her dog really died. Tom feels guilty for the lie, but decides it is for the best. Kyle and Tom spot Peter arriving and Kyle questions his attendance. Tom says Sarah invited Peter, they've been friends for a long time. Kyle asks if Peter is on Sarah's roster -- the list of men with whom she's had sex. Tom says no; Peter and Sarah went backpacking through Europe after high school, but nothing's ever happened between them.

Sarah and her sister, who is her maid of honor, are waiting for the wedding to start. Sarah admits to her sister that she and Peter slept together once. Sarah had gone to Seattle on business for Sotheby's and had too much to drink. Sarah admits that she'd tried to tell Tom, but just couldn't bring herself to say it.

Sarah's father walks her down the aisle. She and Tom have eyes only for each other and they can't stop smiling.

Tom and Sarah arrive at the honeymoon suite in the hotel. When Tom carries Sarah over the threshold, he smacks her head into the doorframe. He carries her into the bedroom -- the suite is unbelievably posh -- and sets her on the bed. They both confess that they're too tired to have sex, which causes Sarah to launch into a crying jag about how it's her wedding night and she's been fantasizing about it her whole life. Tom reassures her and they start to kiss and consummate their union when Sarah gets a nosebleed. They end up falling asleep on the bed, still in their wedding clothes.

The next morning, Tom wakes up Sarah: they have only an hour to get to the airport to catch the plane for their honeymoon trip.

On the plane, Sarah decides she wants to get a little frisky with Tom and they go in search of a bathroom for a little privacy. Although they try to get romantic, it's just not possible to get in a position that will work. Tom's foot gets stuck in the airplane commode and the two of them try to unwedge it, to no avail. The flight attendant, hearing all the grunting, knocks on the door and tells them to get back to their seats because the pilot has turned on the "fasten seat belts" sign after the plane hit some turbulence. Sarah and Tom are giggling and trying to release his foot and eventually succeed, knocking open the door of the stall and hitting the attendant in the face in the process.

Tom and Sarah rent a car -- a European compact that looks to be the size of a riding lawnmower -- and drive to their hotel. Sarah is completely at home in France, speaking the language and comfortable with the customs. Tom is a fish out of water and resentful of anyone who doesn't speak "American."

They check into their hotel, a castle which has been converted into lodging. At the front desk, the hotelier gives them a bottle of cognac left as a gift. The handwritten note says it is from Peter. Tom is irate about the gift, although Sarah tries to downplay it. They give it to the hotelier.

The newlyweds decide it's time to make love as man and wife for the first time, but Sarah insists she has to call her parents first to let them know of their safe arrival. Tom pulls out a wedding present from Kyle: the Thunderstick A2000. Sarah quickly hangs up the phone. Tom says it has to be charged first and looks for an outlet; Sarah tells him it won't fit in the European outlet. Tom insists that it will and forces it into the plug, which sparks up, shocks him and starts a fire. The fire alarm in the hotel sounds. Tom tries to pull the Thunderstick out of the socket, but it's stuck.

Tom, Sarah and the rest of the hotel guests are standing outside when the firemen come out. The hotel owner tells Tom and Sarah to come with him. They go to the room where the Thunderstick -- which is finally shown to be a large, chrome vibrator -- is protruding from the wall. The hotelier tells the couple they should offer to pay for damages. Tom begins insulting the hotelier and tries to blame him for the fire. Sarah looks appalled and tries to fix things, but Tom gets them thrown out of the hotel.

They spend the night driving around the French countryside, trying to find a hotel. Tom swerves out of the path of a large truck and they get stuck in a snowbank. They spend the night in the car and wake up the next day to a beautiful vista as the sun rises over the mountains. They dig out of the snowball, as they call it, and kiss. A car drives past and they try to get the driver's attention. Tom throws a snowball and hits the car. The driver stops, shifts into reverse and backs up ... into their rental car and knocking it off the cliff.

The driver -- and old French woman -- gives the couple the finger, then drives off.

Tom and Sarah ride into a town with the tow-truck driver who's pulled their rental car from the crevasse. It's squished. Sarah wants to take the train to Venice, even though it will be a couple days earlier than they planned. Tom laments that his credit card is maxed out after the rental car debacle and they can't afford to spend two extra nights at the Venice hotel. Sarah says she'll borrow the money from her father, which causes Tom to get really irate. Sarah eventually agrees to stay at a Pensione Tom's father recommended, altough the tow-truck driver says pensiones are all "schisehauses."

It's not long before Tom and Sarah find out this is true and after a failed night at the Pensione Funicello, they borrow money from Sarah's dad (who tells Tom that it will be paid back) and stay at a gorgeous canal-side hotel in Venice.

The honeymooners get in a little sight seeing and it's obvious from the start that Sarah is much more comfortable in Venice than Tom is. When Tom hears a Dodgers game being broadcast from a bar, the couple splits up to explore their different interests.

While sightseeing on her own, Sarah sees Peter arrive at the same hotel where she and Tom are staying. She confronts him at the front desk. Peter asks if they got the bottle of cognac. Sarah says it was inappropriate. Peter tells her he is in Venice on business, the deal he has been working on with her dad. Peter asks where Tom is and Sarah lies, telling him that Tom loves history even more than she does and is meeting her at a church there in Venice. She heads up to their room. Peter pays the maitre'd to tell him everywhere Sarah goes.

Tom comes back to the room and finds Sarah waiting for him. She asks him if there's anything he's wanted to tell her, but didn't and the longer he waited the harder it was to tell her. Tom thinks Sarah knows about the dog, so he confesses his role in Bangs' death. Sarah is livid that Tom lied to her and tries to storm out of the room. Tom pushes her to tell what's on her mind, since she started the conversation. Sarah confesses that she and Peter slept together after she met Tom but before they moved in together. They both storm out of the room.

Tom heads back to the bar where he meets Wendy, who seems equally as interested in Tom as she is in sports.

Sarah goes to a beautiful church and Peter surprises her there. He tells her it seems odd for Tom and Sarah to spend so much time apart on their honeymoon. Sarah tells Peter to leave, which he does, and begins to cry. When she goes outside, Peter is waiting for her. He has a car and a driver and wants her to go with him to meet the man with whom he's negotiating the business deal. She agrees.

In the meantime, Tom and Wendy are hanging out. The game ends and Wendy wants to dance. Tom reluctantly agrees. On the dance floor, Wendy tells Tom that she wants to sleep with him. Tom is stunned and agrees, but says he has to go to the bathroom first. He climbs out the bathroom window and goes back to the hotel. At the hotel, he pays the maitre'd to tell him that Sarah has gone off with Peter and is not expected back that night. Tom is mad with jealousy and goes back to the bar and Wendy.

Sarah and Peter drink champagne on the way to this amazing Venetian estate. She and the owner, an older gentleman, hit it off and the three of them sit around talking and eating and drinking. When Peter tells Sarah she's had enough to drink, she tells Peter it's time to go find Tom.

Wendy convinces Tom to walk her to her hotel. Coincidentally, it's the same hotel Tom and Sarah are staying. Even more of a coincidence: her room is on the same floor. Outside Tom's room, Wendy says she doesn't have her key and asks Tom to use the phone to call the front desk. He barely gets the door open before Wendy tackles him, kissing him and ripping off her clothes. Tom yells at her that he's on his honeymoon. Wendy kicks him in the face, picks up her clothes and leaves.

Tom, clad only in a pair of boxer briefs, drinks bottle after bottle from the mini-bar while waiting for Sarah to come back. From the balcony, he sees Sarah and Peter disembark at the dock and Peter kiss Sarah. Tom runs inside before he sees Sarah slap Peter.

When Sarah gets to the room, Tom rips into her for the kiss. Sarah defends herself, then spies Wendy's red bra draped over the arm of a chair.

She attacks Tom for having sex with some woman, which Tom denies. A knock on the door interrupts their fight; it's room service. Sarah opens the door and finds Peter there. He asks her to come back to Seattle with him. Tom picks up a poker and threatens Peter. He begins chasing Peter around the room and then through the hotel.

The gendarmes come and Tom and Sarah are arrested.

The two are in the same jail cell, along with a really fat man sleeping on the cell floor. Tom and Sarah talk about what a disaster their honeymoon has been, as well as their marriage. Peter bails them out. They head back home to L.A., barely on speaking terms.

Back at the radio station, Tom's shift is over. Kyle meets him outside and tells him that Sarah came by and picked up her things. She also left him a gift: a photo album filled with pictures of the two of them. Tom asks Kyle to take him to his father's house. Mr. Leezack tells Tom to grow up; marriage is hard and you have to work at it.

Tom and Kyle drive to Sarah's parents house. Unfortunately, Yuan won't open the gates from Tom, who is now persona non grata. Tom pleads with him, to no avail. Gradually, Sarah's family gathers around the security monitor to berate Tom and refuse to let him in. He finally decides to charge the gates with his car -- and succeeds in killing the Dodge.

Sarah is oblivious to the exchange, sitting in her room watching TV, until she hears Tom's car crash into the gates. She changes the channel to see Tom on the security monitor, professing his love for her to Sarah's family. He begs them, crying, to let him tell Sarah how much he loves her and wants to be with her. But the gates stay closed. Dejected, Tom starts to get back in his car. The gates swing open. Sarah, in her room, activated them.

Tom begins to run up the drive to Sarah. Sarah asks her family if they understand now what she sees in Tom. She runs out the door and meets Tom in front of the house. They tell each other how much they miss the horrible things that happened on their honeymoon -- "I miss sleeping in a snowball with you." "I miss setting fire to five-star European hotels with you." "I miss being in prison with you." -- and how much they miss each other.

They kiss and begin the walk down the driveway, to their home.

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