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NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by storycreativ who calls it... "Very funny movie!"
The movie opens with secret agent Johnny English (Rowan Atkinson), running up to a darkened mansion at night. Ferocious dogs bark at him, but he distracts them with squeaky toys. Then lowers into the house from the ceiling and gunmen aim at his head, but he suavely pushes the guns away and presumably the gunmen fall over. Then he rushes up the stairs and into a room where he gets some secret papers. Suddenly an exotic looking woman is there with a gun on him. He turns, unfazed. He says he is Agent One and starts to talk sexily to her. She tells him not to overestimate his ability to seduce women, but he says its not possible to overestimate his charm. He goes to kiss her
We then see Johnny English sitting at his desk. It was a daydream and he is still daydreaming about making out with his woman. His assistant Bough (pronounced 'Boff') (Ben Miller (II)) wakes him up. The real Agent One walks in. Agent One is very cool and throws his coat onto a hook from across the room. English is supposed to give Agent One his mission papers, but is so overwhelmed by seeing Agent One he doesn't even realize that he is already holding them. English asks Agent One about the mission and Agent One says 'if I told you, I'd have to kill you.' English wishes him good luck and says he double checked the codes to open the submarine hatch himself.
Agent One dies because the submarine hatch doesn't open. English and Bough are in charge of security at Agent One's funeral. We see two bad-guys drive off in the hearse. (I'm sorry, I don't know the bad-guys names!) English meets Pegasus, head of British Intelligence (Tim Pigott-Smith) at the entrance to the cemetery. English tells Pegasus that he has security under control. There is an explosion in the background. All the other agents were blown up. There is only one agent left - Johnny English.
Then there is the opening credits (like a Bond movie) which are sung by Robbie Williams. We see English dance around his apartment practicing his moves.
We see English assemble a gun, only to realize that he has done it wrong and forgotten the trigger. We see English's fancy new Astin Martin. (All these things are important later in the movie.) Then English walks proudly into British Intelligence, but has a hard time finding Pegasus's office.
In the office, Pegasus's secretary tells English that he needs to sign some forms. English starts to flirt with her and throws his coat like Agent One did but instead throws it out the window. He doesn't like the pen the secretary gave him so he picks up a special gold one on the desk, saying it reminds him of the special pen that agents used to use that were secretly dart guns. This one really is, and he accidentally shoots the secretary with the pen. She falls down. Pegasus comes in and English distracts him so he doesn't see the body of the secretary on the floor. They go into Pegasus's office and Pegasus starts to tell him that Agent One thought someone was trying to steal the Crown Jewels, that have recently been restored by Pascal Sauvage's company, which runs prisons. In the background, medical people rush in and take the secretary away, and English distracts Pegasus so he doesn't see this.
English and Bough go to a party at the Tower of London where the newly restored Crown Jewels are going to be displayed. English has ordered all sorts of special security measures (like new windows) and he meets the head of security. English sees Lorna Campbell (Natalie Imbruglia) who looks very beautiful and exotic. English tells Bough that he is going to mingle and that Bough should go check the roof. On his way over to Campbell, English feels up the curtains and accidentally feels up a woman whose dress looks like the curtains. The woman screams and English shuts her in the curtains.
English goes over to Campbell and starts to flirt (he's not very good at it.)
English asks a waiter for a 'Bloody Mary, not too spicy.' Campbell tells him that she worked on restoring the jewels and she asks him what he is doing at the party. He tells her 'if I told you, I would have to kill you' and Campbell says 'I'd like to see you try.' Pascal Sauvage (John Malkovich) comes up behind English, and Campbell asks English if he's met their host. Not realizing Sauvage is behind them, English says no he hasn't and he doesn't want to. He starts to insult Sauvage. English then turns and sees Sauvage, but thinking he is the waiter, he takes his drink and asks him to go get him some cheesy things. He then goes back to insulting Sauvage and the French people. Sauvage introduces himself. English feels like an idiot.
Sauvage gives a speech about prisons and how the Crown Jewels will be safe in the Tower of London, which is the most famous prison in the world. A bad guy cuts the power and the lights go out. A security system (like a tube) clamps over the Crown Jewels. English sees someone on the stairs and hits him with a bottle. The lights come up. English has hit the head of security. English pretends that it was an attacker which ran into the next room. He then runs into the next room and pretends to fight the attacker, while really just fighting himself. He even uses ketchup to pretend he was wounded.
English then comes out of the room and tells people that he has beaten the attacker. He then opens the security system but is so busy talking he doesn't realize that the jewels are missing. Sometime during all this, Sauvage slips out and Campbell leaves too. The queen comes in and English realises the Crown Jewels have been stolen.
English is back at headquarters. Pegasus tells English that security couldn't find the attacker and brings in a sketch artists to draw him from English's description. English describes him as big, with orange frizzy hair, an eye-patch and two banana-shaped scars, one on each cheek. We see the sketch artist's picture.
English and Bough go to the Tower of London, and park the Astin car in a non-parking, tow-away zone. English goes in to talk to all the police and security people. He starts telling them that how the jewels were stolen is a very complex question, and the thieves could have gotten in through a window or the ceiling. He doesn't see the huge hole in the floor. Bough tries to tell him about the hole, and English nearly falls into it.
Bough goes down the hole and gets stuck. English goes in slowly but slips and falls on Bough. They land in a dark tunnel. English tells Bough that some monks used to chant in E flat to keep from walking into walls in the dark. English starts to chant 'Thank You for the Music' by ABBA and walks into a wall. They then see a light.
English and Bough climb up a tunnel and look through a grate. The two bad guys are loading the Crown Jewels into a coffin in the back of a hers. English and Bough burst through the grate and point their guns at them. English starts to talk about how stupid the criminals are, but the clip falls out of his gun. The bad guys shoot and them, throw a canister of gas and run away.
English and Bough run to their car, but it has been loaded by crane onto a special flat-bed tow-truck. They jump in the tow-truck and chase after the hearse. Campbell jumps on a really nice red motorcycle and drives after them too. English tells Bough to drive and climbs around the truck into the Astin. Bough swings the car out on a crane. They drive through a traffic-camera which takes a picture of English, and English blows up the traffic camera. English tells Bough to lower the car, but Bough accidentally drops it onto the back of a trailer which is hitched to the back of someone else's car, which drives away with English. English drives off the trailer and starts to chase the wrong hearse, which drives into the cemetery.
In the cemetery there are lots of crying people around the coffin and the priest talks about how wonderful and caring the deceased man was, overcoming so much and giving to the poor. English interrupts the funeral. He tells them all that they are good actors, but under arrest. He makes fun of a crying lady's tears asking if she gets paid extra for crying. He tries to open the coffin, and when he can't get it open he starts to dance around on top of it. He then realises that this is a funeral and he is really on a dead person's coffin.
Bough rushes up saying that he is a doctor from 'the Lunatic Response Unit.' He says that English is a lunatic called Gunther who wasn't supposed to be released until 2028. He apologises to the people and asks if English has urinated on anyone! English then starts to pretend he is an idiot and Bough pretends he is his doctor and takes him away. (very funny!)
Sauvage and the bad guys are in his office. Sauvage is playing with the Crown Jewels and says that he should be king, but 200 years ago his family was overlooked and the Queen's family got the crown instead. We find out Sauvage has bugged English's apartment and watches footage of English dancing in his bathroom to 'Does Your Mamma Know' by ABBA. Sauvage says that he will become king. One bad guy reminds him that only the archbishop can make someone king. The bad guys make a mask that looks exactly like the Archbishop. (Important).
English and Bough find out that the two bad guys are criminals who work for Sauvage. They tell Pegasus that they suspect Sauvage , but Pegasus tells them that Sauvage can't be a criminal and forbids them from investigating him. Pegasus is going to a party at Sauvage's building that night. English tells Bough to plan for a secret night infiltration on Sauvage's offices.
Sauvage's men shoot at English and Bough in the underground parking lot.
English tries to shoot back but his gun breaks again. English and Bough split up, and English accidentally attacks Bough.
English sees Campbell's motorcycle outside a sushi bar. He goes in to the bar and starts flirting with her, but she won't tell him anything. English doesn't know how to use chopsticks. He takes a bite of sea-urchin, which tastes bad, and when Campbell gets up he spits it onto the sushi conveyor belt. He gets his tie caught in the conveyor belt accidentally and knocks over a lot of people. Campbell leaves when he's not looking.
English and Bough have a plan to jump out of an airplane onto Sauvage's building. Bough is supposed to go first and disable the security system and then English will break into the office. English isn't paying attention when Bough reviews the plan and won't take the location device that Bough tries to give him. There are two identical towers, one is Sauvage's headquarters and the other is a hospital. Bough jumps onto the right one, but English breaks into the hospital. English thinks that Sauvage must be carrying on horrible medical experiments, tries to rescue an elderly patient and takes the hospital staff hostage. He then realizes he's in the wrong building, and sees Bough through the window. English tells the medical staff it was a safety drill. He leaves the hospital building (feeling really really stupid) and Bough lets him into Sauvage's building.
English and Bough sneak around Sauvage's building. A guard tries to catch English but Bough knocks him out. English explains that wasn't necessary as he has two special rings, one with muscle relaxant and one with truth serum, and he just injected the guard with the muscle relaxant. English then sees someone dressing up as the Archbishop of Canterbury and notices that he has 'Jesus is Coming - Look Busy' tattooed on his bum. (Of course, this is important!)
They break into Sauvage's office and find a DVD with Sauvage saying that the English are stupid and he will become king. They also find out that Sauvage was in-line for the throne. A guard comes in, English pulls a gun on him and tries to inject him with truth-serum, but he has gotten the rings mixed-up and injected the guard with muscle relaxant. He then accidentally injects himself with muscle relaxant. English and the guard's mouths go all funny so they can no longer talk properly, and they fall down. More guards rush in, but then so does Campbell and she overpowers them. Campbell tells English and Bough that she is with the secret service.
They run into the guard that was injected with truth-serum and ask him to tell them the way out, which he goes.
English, Campbell and Bough go to the party. English drops his first champagne glass, breaks the second one, then spills in on the Foreign Secretary. He then mumbles gibberish and falls into her amble breasts. Campbell rescues him and they dance, but his legs keeps falling asleep. The truth-serum guard tells Sauvage about English and Sauvage breaking in. Sauvage tells Pegasus and Pegasus fires English from the case. English goes home devastated.
Sauvage decides to forget about the Archbishop plan, and the fake-Archbishop mask is destroyed. He then makes the queen give up her throne for her and all her descendants, by getting the bad-guys to hold her cute pet corgie dog at gun-point. The queen is no longer queen. The Prime Minister finds out that Sauvage is next in line for the throne and asks him to become king.
Campbell goes over to English's flat, tells him that she was assigned to the case and that she wants him to join her. They fight/flirt a little bit. Then English agrees and they drive to France. England prepares to have Sauvage as their new king (new money, new stamps, posters for the ceremony etc.)
English and Campbell plan to break into Sauvage's castle. As they make their plans Campbell admits that she wants to sleep with English, but she's vulnerable. English mumbles stupid things, and Campbell thinks he's just being a gentleman and thanks him for not taking advantage of her weakness. (So they don't sleep together.)
They break into Sauvage's castle. English goes in through a nasty pipe which leads to a communal toilet (and has poo flushed on his head.) Even though he told Campbell that it was the only way in, she finds a ladder. They meet up inside Sauvage's castle and English stinks so badly that Campbell makes him take a shower. They sneak into a big room where Sauvage is explaining to a group of master criminals that once he is king, he will take over England and turn it into one big prison.
English explains to Campbell his plan for over-taking Sauvage, but he accidentally flips a microphone on and everybody hears it. English tries to shoot Sauvage but his gun doesn't work again, and poo comes out. He and Campbell are captured.
England plans for the coronation of Sauvage as king, and people watch it on television in Canada, Australia, India and on big screens outdoors in London.
English and Campbell are tied up together in prison. English tries to super-sonic whistle to break the lock, but Bough breaks in by climbing up through the toilet and lets them out. English grabs a dvd which he thinks is the one that shows Sauvage's evil plan and they rush to London.
English dresses up as a bishop and breaks into the coronation ceremony, just as the (real) Archbishop is about to crown Sauvage king. English announces that the Archbishop is a fake and tries to rip off his mask, and then pulls down the Archbishops pants to show the Jesus bum tattoo (which of course isn't there.)
Meanwhile Campbell fights one of the bad guys who has a gun aimed on English. (She eventually beats him, but this goes on for a while.)
Guards arrest English, but English yells for Bough to turn on the dvd. Bough has taken over the television studio and puts in the dvd, which shows English dancing in his bathroom to 'Does Your Momma Know' by ABBA. This is broadcast all around the world. (So very very funny).
English escapes while everyone is watching the video. The ceremony goes on. The archbishop is about to put the crown on Sauvage's head but English swings overhead and snatches it. He doesn't make it all the way to the other side and instead just swings back and forth. Sauvage pulls out a gun and tries to shoot English. Sauvage yells about how stupid the English people are and threatens to shoot the Prime Minister. He shoots English making him drop the crown. Sauvage then points his gun on the archbishop and tells the archbishop to crown him king. The archbishop goes to crown Sauvage king, but English drops and lands on top of Sauvage. The archbishop accidentally crowns English king.
English is now king. He orders Sauvage to be arrested. English then gives the crown back to the Queen and she makes him a knight. We find out Sauvage is being charged with treason and asks to have his brain donated to science.
English and Campbell drive off in his car to the South of France. They park by a cliff. The pushes a button and the car pours champagne for them. English leans in to kiss Campbell. English bumps the 'eject' button with his bum and before he can kiss Campbell she is ejected out of the top of the car.
During the credits, Campbell lands in a swimming pool. Bough is there at the pool. So is the man with the orange frizzy hair, eye-patch and two banana-shaped scars, that English described!
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