THE INBETWEENERS MOVIE

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We open with Will McKenzie (Simon Bird) discussing his university admissions with his father in order to determine which will be the most practical choice. Will’s father (Anthony Head) interrupts to tell Will that he’s gotten remarried but didn’t invite Will to the wedding because he knows Will gets awkward. His father’s much younger wife informs Will that it was “perfect," attended by only the couple’s hundred closest friends and family. His father condescendingly asks Will what his plans are for the summer, and Will tells him that he will probably be going on a vacation with his “normal” friends doing “normal” things.

Jay Cartwright (James Buckley) tells his family that he’ll be working on his CV while they’re out at the shops. Once they leave, he dons a snorkel and hockey gloves, grabs some bologna meat from the kitchen and uses his web cam to connect with a Russian porn star. He gives her his credit card information and begins using the meat to jerk off.

Jay’s mother and sister arrive at the supermarket where Neil Sutherland (Blake Harrison) works as a clerk in the deli section. Jay’s mother receives a phone call soon after being greeted by Neil and leaves hurriedly. A customer tries to order prawns just as Neil’s shift ends only to have Neil abandon the order and begin furiously making out with his girlfriend behind the counter in front of the customers.

Will’s best friend, Simon Cooper (Joe Thomas), is making out with his own girlfriend, Carli (Emily Head), in her bedroom. She tells him that the last year has been great but that they should break up – they’re both going to different universities, and it will be hard. Simon is blindsided by the news and asks her why she’s so eager to break up and she informs him that she’ll be going on holiday soon and needs some space to think. Simon leaves whistling, unaffected, until he reaches his bedroom and starts sobbing hysterically.

Jay has almost completed his transaction with the Russian Cam Whore and starts begging her to “tell me you love me.” As he finishes, his mother and sister awkwardly enter his room to tell him that his grandfather has died. Jay takes off the snorkel mask in shock.

The Last Day of School - The four boys are gathered at school where their advisory professor, Mr. Gilbert (Greg Davies), tells them that he will forget every one of the students almost immediately. He tells them that should they see him in passing outside of the school, he doesn’t want them to talk to him. He is apathetic but actively dislikes them for their irritating personalities. He’s just glad that his legal obligation to them ends with their graduation and assures them that he can show them just how much of a “truly nasty fucker” he can be if they tempt him. Will is surprised by how upbeat the speech is.

As the four boys leave, the school bully gives Will one last wedgie “for luck." Carli marches by and scolds the bully, telling him to put Will down. She asks if Will is OK before saying hi to Simon and getting the cold shoulder. The others give him a pep talk once she’s gone and Jay tells Will there’s a surefire way to get over Carli: every time Simon mentions Carli’s name, he’ll get hit in the balls, starting immediately. Jay points out that since Simon is single, they can all go on a crazy booze fueled holiday and have as much guilt-free sex as possible. They all agree a vacation would be the best way to celebrate their independence away from their parents – after making them pay for it.

The boys' parents drop them off at Simon’s house, and Simon’s father drives them to the airport. During the car ride, he regales them with a description of his holiday in Spain and the crazy sex that he had. Neil pulls out a bunch of celebratory shirts for the trip branding them members of the “PUSSAY PATROL.” The attendant tells them that their flight to Malia, Greece is delayed and that if they don’t take off the shirts they will not be allowed on their flight.

The boys land on Crete, and Simon thinks that he saw Carli at the airport, but it’s just another girl. They get on a coach bus, and Will gives them the game plan: get to the apartment they rented, sleep, and head out fresh in the morning to see the Minoan Palaces of Nossos. Jay vetoes this idea: “I haven’t come all the way here to see a bunch of Greek ruins. You can see that shit anywhere.” They’ll drop off their stuff and go out to party.

The bus stops at several hotels before stopping at a derelict hotel covered in trash and graffiti--a tense moment. The boys are horrified to learn that it will be their residence. The bus leaves and the owner fishes a dead dog out of the well. He gives them a key and tells them that it’s a 50 euro fine every time they shit on the floor. A patron exits and tells them that he just got back from Afghanistan where the conditions are better than this hotel. The owner screams at the man: “You owe me 50 euro!”

If the outside of the hotel was bad, the boys are surprised to see that their rooms are even worse. Simon pulls out the sofa bed which has a massive semen stain on it. Jay and Neil call the only good bedroom forcing Will and Simon to take the sofa bed. They each prepare for the night in their own way and head out looking like the world’s shittiest boy band.

As they walk to town, Jay hurls an empty energy drink can into the street as a police car drives by. He immediately picks it up and tells them that the foreign police mean serious business here. He shows them a rolled up 20 that he has been keeping up his ass just in case he needs bribe money. Will is flabbergasted by Jay’s idiocy. A strange kid named Richard (Theo Barklem-Biggs) asks for a beer and awkwardly informs them that he’s come on holiday alone and is having a mental time. He tells them that if they go out to the beaches in the night with a torch they can see people fucking. The boys thank him and leave immediately.

The town is a massive street party. The boys are surprised by the sheer debauchery and are excited to partake. Simon keeps seeing Carli everywhere while Jay keeps a running of tally of who he’d like to fuck. Neil laments having a girlfriend while on holiday, and insists he loves Nicole and will not cheat – if he has to get it out of his system he’ll have a White Royale and jerk off while wearing a condom. A club promoter tells the boys to go to a club called Marco’s. Jay is instantly smitten when she promises to give him a dance later and insists that they stay.

Marco’s is dead. No girls, just old women dancing around. The boys start drinking, and the bartender tells them that the club won’t be full for another hour. Will is pissed that Jay won’t leave, but they stay when they see four girls walk in. Neil begins to show off his stellar dance moves while the others awkwardly join in. The routine comes off as sad and pathetic forcing Will to stop and beg the girls to end their suffering and join them for a drink.

Alison (Laura Haddock) allows them to join, and she tells Will about her cliché Greek waiter boyfriend, Nikos. Simon nervously befriends Lucy (Tamla Kari) but can’t stop talking about Carli, striking out terribly. Neil and Lisa (Jessica Knappett) awkwardly sit with each other without saying anything. Jane (Lydia Rose Bewley), an overweight but nice girl, chats Jay’s ear off – much to his chagrin. He rudely tells her that he’s waiting for “his bird” but she doesn’t seem too deterred. The night takes a turn for the worse when Neil begins grinding and fingering two older women on the dance floor driving the other girls away. However, Alison agrees that the two groups should meet up the next day.

As the boys leave, Simon sees Carli across the street but thinks it’s another hallucination. However, Neil tells him that it might be her since Neil asked Carli were she was going and booked tickets to the same place. Simon is furious and runs off to see if there’s a remote possibility of reconciliation. Instead, he’s almost rundown by James (Theo James), a club rep who has been hooking up with Carli. She asks him if he’s going to The Boat Party on Saturday, and Simon tells her that he will see her there.

Jay approaches the club rep and drunkenly grabs her ass. She screams at him that it’s her job to flirt with people and slaps him before storming off. Neil leaves Marco’s with one of the older ladies while Jay stumbles off to keep drinking.

The next morning, the two wake up to the sounds of Neil getting a blowjob from the older woman. They can’t find Jay in the apartment and see him passed out by the well outside the hotel. He collapsed on top of an ant hill and they bit half his face raw. The others accuse Neil of cheating on Nicole, but he tells them that he’s a man of ethics: they played just the tip (which is absolutely not cheating). After brief deliberation, the group seeks out the girls from last night at their hotel.

At the hotel pool, they see a sign that says “No Reserved spots.” Jay sees four seats that are covered with towels and throws the towels into the pool. A little local boy becomes obsessed with Jay’s Manchester United shirt and playfully pushes him into the pool. Jay climbs out and threatens to throw the boy into the pool, but he insists he cannot swim. Jay lets him go, but the boy immediately pulls down his pants. Jay responds by pushing the kid into the pool where he almost drowns.

The girls join them after this incident, but their reunion is cut short by the owner of the beach towels: a man whose children are developmentally disabled. He yells at them for throwing away their towels when Will points out two facts: 1.) The sign says no reserved seats. 2.) Surely his wheelchair-bound daughter doesn’t need another seat. The boys are quickly kicked out of the hotel.

Simon blames Jay for ruining his chance to get back with Carli. They fight and Simon calls Jay out as a sex obsessed liar. The two fight in the streets awkwardly embraced in headlocks. Will takes Simon while Neil drags Jay away.

Simon, desperate to raise the money for a boat ticket, takes his clothes and attempts to sell them as a street vendor. James stops by and offers to take all the clothes for 100 euro…including the ones off Simon’s back. He leaves Simon naked and broke. Will gives Simon his t-shirt, and they leave. As they walk back, they see Mr. Gilbert engaged in a massive drinking contest shirtless. When they say hello, he drunkenly threatens to kill them before roaring and chugging two pipes full of beer.

Neil and Jay go out to a strip club hoping to meet girls. As they go to the front, they are surprised by the main attraction: Fernando, master of the art of self-fellatio. Horrified, they walk away and bump into James and his entourage. James threatens to kill Jay if he doesn’t leave so the boys leave, Jay being reduced to tears.

Will and Simon run into Richard and immediately try to ditch him when he confesses that he might have killed a body builder. Richard begs them for some money as they walk away. The duo returns to Marco’s and are joined by Jay and Neil. They reconcile and start drinking until the girls show up. The girls arrive and Simon throws caution into the wind, challenging Lucy to a drinking contest.

Alison scolds Will for his crush on her and tells him that they are not an answer for each other. She’s so confident that she promises in a year that if Will still hasn’t had sex, they will have sex with each other. Jay starts to lighten up around Jane while Neil continues his weird obsession with older women in front of Lisa. Soon they decide to go to the beach and skinny dip.

Lucy strips at the shore and asks Simon why he isn’t. She promises to look away but turns around before he’s done. Jane takes off her muumuu in front of Jay which causes two passersby make fun of them. He asks to go somewhere private, but she gets pissed, stripping defiantly as she dives into the ocean.

Will, meanwhile, tries to convince Alison that they don’t have to wait a year – Nikos isn’t a long-term prospect, Will is. Amused, she strips down and the two share an intimate moment together until she throws his glasses away. Stumbling around, he falls on top of Nikos who is in the middle of having sex with another girl. Alison, enraged, runs away in tears. Simon sees Carli while he’s in the water with Lucy and calls out to her, leaving Lucy alone. She gets dressed and leaves.

The next morning, Will rallies the troops: "Let’s get fucked up." The boys go crazy on their own and have an amazing time engaging in debauchery. The night ends with Will vomiting violently in the well. Simon tells Jay he’s going to university, which surprises Jay who thought they were going to open a car shop together with his dead granddad’s money. Jay tells him that he bought boat tickets as a surprise for Simon but tore them up when he was angry with Simon. Simon gets pissed, but they put it all aside taking the opportunity to help Will back to bed.

Saturday – everyone has a ticket but Simon and Will. Simon calls out to Lucy and Will to Alison, but Lucy walks away and Will collapses from the pain of his hangover. Alison surprises Will with the ticket she had bought Nikos and the two go on the trip together. Lucy offers Simon her ticket but tells him that they could easily stay behind and hang out. Simon obliviously grabs the ticket thanking her, breaking her heart.

On the boat, James ignores Carli which leads her to try and use Simon to make James jealous. Simon realizes the ploy and gets pissed. Jay apologizes to Jane and she forgives him by giving him a blowjob in the bathroom. James sees them leave and makes fun of them before demanding money so that he can do some coke in the bathroom. Jay gives him the rolled up 20 from his asshole, which leads to James snorting shit and leaving some hanging on his nose.

Neil bumps into Richard on the boat while with Lisa. Richard reveals that he’s been very lonely and had his parents come to get him and join him on the boat. Neil holds out his hand to greet Richard’s elderly mother but Lisa grabs Neil and kisses him violently, slapping the old woman away. They go off and start dry humping in a corner.

On the stern of the ship, Alison finds Will and suggests that they date. Will accepts happily while Simon realizes what he’s done to Lucy. He dives off the boat to swim to shore but soon loses energy and has to be recovered with a helicopter rescue. In the hospital, Lucy visits, and they reconcile.

After Simon is released from the hospital, he and Lucy begin dating in earnest. Neil and Lisa consummate their awkward relationship as Jay and Jane fool around. Will and Alison balance out their more eccentric qualities. Together, the group enjoys the rest of their vacation until it is time to return home. The boys say their tearful goodbyes, only to be reunited at the Terminal in London. They introduce their girlfriends to their parents and Neil awkwardly sees Nicole waiting with his father. Grabbing Lisa, he runs out of the terminal and into the night.

THE END?

In an after credit scene, Mr. Gilbert drunkenly drives a quad bike through the streets of Malia while roaring at the top of his lungs.

a.w.


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