The movie starts with a bunch of shots and narration about London police officer, Nicholas Angel. In short, he's the best police officer ever. His superiors are jealous and annoyed that Angel is making the rest of them look bad, so they're promoting him to Sergeant... in the tiny rural town of Sandford. His fellow officers are all delighted that he's going. His girlfriend, with whom he recently broke up, isn't sorry either. She says he loves his job more than he loves her.
Angel arrives in Sandford, checks into a little inn, and wanders over to the pub. He orders cranberry juice, then sees that practically every other customer is a teenage boy. He whips out his badge and throws everybody out, ruining the pub's business for the night. The only other customer is a very drunk man. He assures Angel that he won't be driving, then promptly backs up into a fountain, narrowly missing Angel. Angel marches the drunk man, and a few of the underage drinkers who are now urinating in the street, down to the police station. The officer there doesn't want to deal with the paperwork, but Angel is happy to do it.
The next morning, he checks Cell 4 for the drunk man, but it's empty. He exclaims, "He's gone!" The drunk man from the night before (now dressed as a police officer) sticks his head in and says, "Who's gone?" He's Officer Danny Butterman, Angel's new partner. The rest of the police team consists of Danny's father, the head inspector, an old, incomprehensible man, two lazy detectives, another incompetent guy, a woman who makes dirty jokes, and an old man who's part of the Neighborhood Watch. They're all eating chocolate cake, courtesy of Danny, for misplacing his helmet last week. For the drunk driving, he's going to have to buy them all ice cream.
The town has almost no crime, so Angel and Danny spend most of their time walking around. Danny buys snacks at the shop and asks Angel questions about being a cop. (Ex: Have you ever jumped in the air and fired two guns? Have you ever jumped in the air and fired ONE gun? Have you ever been in a high speed pursuit? Have you ever fired a gun WHILE in a high speed pursuit? Have you seen Bad Boyz II?) There are a few incidents: Mr. Staker's swan runs away and the police spend the rest of the movie trying to catch it. Another old man keeps trimming his neighbor's hedges, so the cops go check it out. Turns out the old man has a barnful of guns that he found, including an old sea mine. The cops confiscate everything and put them in the previously empty evidence room.
Angel and Danny pull Martin Blower and Eve Draper over for speeding. They're on their way to rehearsal for "Romeo and Juliet". Angel lets him off with a warning. Then he and Danny are forced to go to the play that night, to represent the police officers. It's an absolutely horrible show, and Blower and Draper are clearly having an affair. Later, they're killed in their dressing room by a hooded figure with an ax. The next morning, it's been set up to look like they were decapitated in a driving accident, but Angel has his doubts. Nobody listens to Angel because Sandford is the safest town in the country and there hasn't been a murder there in 20 years.
After drinking and bonding at the pub, Danny and Angel escort a very drunk George Merchant to his home. Merchant is very rich and lives in a huge mansion. As soon as Danny and Angel leave, Merchant is clubbed by the hooded figure. The killer makes it look like Merchant was trying to cook some bacon and beans and accidentally blew up his house. Everybody thinks it's another accident, but Angel suspects Simon Skinner, owner of the local supermarket.
The town has a fair to raise money for the church roof, and reporter Tim Messenger whispers to Angel that he'll meet him at 3 in the churchyard. He has to tell him what he knows about the recent deaths. Angel rushes to meet him, but he's too late. The killer pushes a stone steeple off the roof and it lands on Messenger's head.
Angel goes through all of Messenger's news articles to find a connection between the victims, and he's almost got it figured out. But he just finds out that it's Danny's birthday, so he rushes over to the florist to buy him a present. The owner, Leslie Tiller, tells him she's moving away. They're building a bypass road near the town, and the builders want to buy her land for a huge amount of money. Angel figures it out: There's been talk about a new bypass, but nobody knew where it would be. Merchant found out, and was buying land near the proposed bypass to build stores there. Blower was his attorney, and Draper worked for the city and knew where the bypass would be. Messenger figured it out, and told Leslie to sell her land for a lot of money. Skinner has been killing all of them to make sure another store isn't built to compete with his supermarket. Just then, Angel turns his head and the killer stabs Leslie in the throat with her shears. Angel chases him, but he gets away.
Angel rounds up all the police and they go to Skinner's market. But they find out he's not the killer, because store security tapes show him in the store at the time of the murder. Angel realizes that there must be more than one killer, but nobody at the police station will listen to him. The chief inspector tells him to calm down, that's he's having trouble adjusting to life outside of London. Angel goes home, and the hooded killer is waiting for him. They fight, the hood falls off, and it's Skinner's employee. A voice comes onto the employee's Walkie Talkie, asking if Angel is dead. Angel pretends to be the employee and is told to come back to the castle. He runs over, and sees a whole table of hooded figures. It's the Neighborhood Watch. The old people (including the doctor, inn owners, and Skinner) have been obsessed with winning "Best Village of the Year" every year, and they have killed anybody who threatened their chances of winning. Angel's theory about the killings and the motives was wrong. Blower was killed for being a bad actor, Draper had an annoying laugh, Merchant's house was too big and didn't go with the rest of the village, Messenger made a lot of spelling mistakes in the newspaper, and the florist was moving away and might help some other village look beautiful with her green thumb. That's why the Neighbohood Watch killed all of them. Angel tries to get away through these underground tunnels, and sees other corpses the Neighborhood Watch killed (a shoplifter, a street performer, teenage loiterers). But the Chief Inspector of the police and Danny are in on it. Danny's dad explains that Danny's mother loved Sandford and worked so hard to make it the "Best Village". But the day before the judges came, a gypsy family showed up and they lost. Danny's mother went insane and killed herself. Since then, Danny's father and the other old people have been killing people for the "great good of the village." They catch Angel. Danny stabs Angel and throws him in the trunk of his car.
But Angel's fine. Danny pretended to stab him with a ketchup packet. He doesn't want to believe that his dad has been killing people, but doesn't want to hurt Angel either. Angel says the two of them can go to London, come back with the whole force, and expose the whole village. But Danny can't do that to his dad. He tells Angel to take the car and run away. Angel gives up and drives away. Then he stops for gas and sees a rack of DVDs, including Danny's favorites, Point Break and Bad Boys II. He gets an idea.
Angel comes back to Sandford, takes the whole stockpile of guns from the evidence room at the police station. All the old people in the town start shooting at him. Danny comes to his aid, and they take down the whole town. (The "Village of the Year" judges are there, watching all of this.) The rest of the police force come to fight Angel, but listen to his story and believe him. They get everybody and put them in jail, including Skinner and the police chief. The London police officers (who have been calling the whole movie, but Angel was too busy to call them back) show up, asking Angel to come back to London because they need him. But Angel says he likes it where he is.
But they forgot the old man from the Neighborhood Watch, who works at the police station. The officers are all doing paperwork for all the arrest they made, when they old guy comes in with a shot gun and tries to shoot Angel. But Danny jumps in front and saves him. Angel kicks a box at the old man, who stumbles and falls on the sea mine. It moves a little, a spoke get pushed in, and the whole station blows up. Angel looks through the rubble for Danny...
One year later: Angel leaves his house in Sandford and drives to the cemetery with a bunch of flowers. You think they're for Danny, but Danny shows up next to him. They're at Danny's mother's grave. The movie ends with the two getting in their squad car, speeding off to a reported crime in the village.
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