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THE HEARTBREAK KID

NOTE: This great spoiler was sent in by The Matrox! who says..."Very funny movie, which included a lot of scenes where you laugh but also kringe at the vulgarity of it."

The movie begins with Eddie (Ben Stiller) talking with his Dad (Jerry Stiller) in San Francisco, and the Dad keeps asking how much sex he's been getting (I think the term used was crushing pussy...) but anyway, he goes on to mention that it's not good to be alone on Valentines day and that the two of them should go to Vegas and get some chicks... Eddie remarks how tempting it is to go for a sex romp in Vegas with your 77 year old dad but passes saying he has to go to a wedding, which happens to be his ex-fiancée Jodi's...

At the wedding, Eddie's best friend Mac tells him how wonderful it is being married (he's as whipped as a race horse) and how Eddie needs to stop finding fault and just settle down... While Eddie is placed at the kids table (referred to as the singles table), he ends up telling the kids that he's a widower whose wife was killed with an ice pick by a guy named Ronald (kind of important later) and there are twin boys who at first think Eddie is gay but end up buying the murder story... When the speeches finally happen, there were indirect remarks made about Jodi's guys from the past who weren’t good enough (Jodi's father calls him an asshole... quite funny...)

The next day Eddie is miserable having been through that and while he is walking to the Sporting Goods store he owns, he sees a woman getting her purse stolen and although Eddie stops him temporarily, it's obvious this guy is NUTS!  And he sprays Eddie with mace (later revealed perfume) and the woman, Lila and Eddie have a moment... she seems nice, is pretty and Eddie tells her where he works... and as she leaves, he forgot her panty with a picture of David Bowie on it...

Back at Eddie's he is talking with Mac and Dad and they continue pressuring him to settle down and how he let Lila slip passed him... Dad continues his pussy crushing rants and Mac has to leave to go home and say hello to his wife's aunt (she called and whipped him home...)

At the sporting good store, Dad drops by and they end up seeing Lila who is shopping for a new fleece pull over and Dad pulls out her panty and remarks how he can finally put a face to the panty... Through it all, Lila and Eddie hook up and have a fantastic 6 weeks of making out and on one date, they were cycling and they tried to kiss but Lila hit a garbage can and flew over her handle bars... the next scene is them making out at the hospital... We find out that Lila is an Environmental Researcher...

Eddie is starting to wonder if they should take it to the next level and again are told by Mac and Dad that he's lucky to be even seeing someone as hot and available... the next day Eddie gets a phone call and when they meet up, Lila tells him that she's being transferred to Berlin but remarks how her co-worker doesn't because he's married and they don't transfer married people... So... they get married.  They'll be in Mexico for their honeymoon and Mac tells Eddie that he's hooked him up with a resort and that Uncle Tito will take care of them and then asks Eddie to hand him a package as a thank you when he gets there...

On the drive down to Mexico, Eddie wants to go camping on mountaintops and sailing but Lila says it's not her thing and he goes on just singing away that seems to annoy Eddie... then out of the blue he asks what she wants to do and Lila responds by saying let's stop and "F-ck!" to which he obliges... and then Lila goes buck wild with different positions from the Kama Sutra and Eddie is barely able to comprehend what it is they're doing and he remarks, "How about the missionary position?" to which Lila responds, "What's that?"

The next morning at breakfast, Lila reveals that she has a deviated septum because Apple Juice shot out of her nose and then goes on to tell Eddie that she's bad at math after remarking how they'll be just the like the old couple across from them in 10 years... All this information seems to put Eddie on edge...

They finally arrive in Mexico and as Eddie is checking in he meets up with the twins from Jodi's wedding who still think he's gay but then realize he's with his wife... Eddie then meets up with Uncle Tito, he gives him the package from Mac, which turns out to be American Porn... just as Uncle Tito is getting excited about it, Miranda and her cousin Martin get to the counter to check in and Uncle Tito tells Eddie that his rental video is ready... Eddie is speechless. That night, the wild lovemaking gets even wilder as Lila calls Eddie a girl after he won't hit her for being a "bad girl" and she goes on to beat him up during sex. As Lila is sleeping, Eddie is in a chair beside the bed curled up in the fetal position FREAKED OUT!

The next day has Eddie and Lila fighting because Lila has not just mentioned that her "job" is a volunteer position (so they only have one income) and she used to check the water for chemicals and remarks how often she was stung by Jellyfish and the only way to subdue the pain was by having someone pee on her (funny later...) Eddie also finds out that she used to snort cocaine, which is why she has a deviated septum.  Further to all this, he finds out that the guy who mugged Lila when they met was in fact her ex-boyfriend... she storms out and after a while Eddie goes and looks for her but runs into Miranda who dropped her camera and they really connect... she is here for her Uncle and Aunts annual renewal of wedding vows (they're all from Oxford, Mississippi)...

The next day, Lila and Eddie are lying in the sun and Lila doesn't take Eddie's advice about putting on Sunscreen and she just puts on some oil... while Lila does that, Eddie notices Miranda and gets all smitten... The next scene is Lila screaming in pain because she's all sun burned and red and when Eddie tries to apply some Aloe Vera, she screams and so he tells her he's going for some dinner and leaves...

At the restaurant/bar, Eddie is eating when he meets up with Miranda again and she was ordering drinks for the family a couple at the other end of the bar asks if they're married and Eddie answers yes, much to Miranda's surprise and so they have a little fun with it even though it was Eddie's truthful answer and one things leads to another and Eddie ends up having a great time with Miranda's family and goes back to his room where Lila has a white creme pack on her face and gives him the 3rd degree... they make up but when Lila removes the creme pack, her face is even worse and locks herself in the bathroom... ALL NIGHT...

The next morning has Eddie sleeping on the floor next to the bathroom and Lila still won't come out so he goes to get her food when he meets, yup, Miranda who in a subtle way asks him to go out to see some of Mexico and he agrees while carrying the food for Lila.  Eddie ends up asking Uncle Tito to carry the food up to their room and hand it Lila, which he does and MORE (we find out later that he stuck his penis into Lila's hand and she SLAPPED it away thinking it was Eddie trying to be playful...) SO, Miranda an Eddie have a great day on the town and when everyone is back at the hotel, Miranda's family finds out from the twin boys that Eddie's wife was murdered with an ice pick by a guy named Ronald and the misunderstanding begins...  Miranda asks Eddie to meet her for dinner and so Eddie says yes and ends up manipulating Lila and lying to her about some big business deal that just happened... When he sees Miranda, Eddie is just about to tell her the truth when Miranda says she knows about the wife through her family by the twins and their misinformation and says she understands, to which of course, Eddie thinks it's about Lila...

The next morning at breakfast, Eddie tries to end it with Lila and the whole thing unravels which ends up with Miranda falling over a ledge into the ocean and Eddie saving her but not before having a Jellyfish stinging him and as Miranda finds out the truth about Lila walks away while Lila pees on Eddie to subdue the pain from the Jellyfish... you see EVERYTHING when Lila pulls down her bikini to "help" Eddie.

The next scene is two weeks after the fact and Eddie is still in Mexico because in a fit of rage over ending it, Lila burned everything Eddie brought and that includes wallet and passport so he ends up hanging out with a guy named Manuel and of course, Uncle Tito... they snap him out of it and tell him to go back to California and move on but instead he wants to go to Oxford, Mississippi to find Miranda and tell her everything... so without papers, he tries for six-months to cross the border with many unsuccessful attempts, a la "Born in East L.A." with Cheech Marin... Eddie's Dad finally gets him and drives him straight to Miranda's, to which he finds out that she has married... that night he sneaks into her room to confess everything and all seems lost... as they walk back to the car, Eddie asks his dad to look back to see if Miranda is watching because that's the last sign things will be better and Dad says no, just missing Miranda walking out.

Life goes on for Eddie who lost his store to Lila in the divorce and decides to move away from San Francisco... Mac is asking him not to because now's he's put his foot down with his wife, even giving her lip on the cell... She storms in later and whips him back to the car and we see Eddie continuing to pack up his things...

18 months later, Eddie now runs a surf shop on the beaches of Mexico with his partners, Uncle Tito and Manuel, when who should show up, Miranda! She tells Eddie she's here for the vow renewals of her Uncle and Aunt and that she left her husband because it was mistake to marry and she understands what Eddie had to go through being in a marriage he didn't want... she invites him for a drink that night to which he says yes... when Miranda leaves, a nice petite woman asks Eddie who that was and Eddie has to lie to his current wife of 1 year (a surprise cameo by Eva Longoria) and the movie ends with Eddie looking at the camera and going, "F-ck me!"

THE END...

During the credits, we hear Lila screaming for someone to pound her more and to F-ck! her like crazy... when it's all said and done, she's sleeping on the bed and there's a donkey (or horse, can't remember) having a cigarette...

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