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GIGLI

movie trailer (apple.com - quicktime)

NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by dirtyoldhawg who says... "Do yourself a favor... don't go see this movie. "Gigli" is allegedly the heartwarming, talky tale of a mob henchman (Ben Affleck) who falls for the curvaceous lesbian henchgirl (JLo) hired to keep a eye on him while he guards the mentally challenged young guy he's kidnapped so his boss can extort a federal prosecutor and in the world that brought us Hudson HAwk and Howard the Duck, we get another stinker. "

The movie opens with a Larry Gigli (Ben Affleck) dialogue talking into a dryer in a laundromat with an unbelievable Brooklyn accent -- " I'll bet you never dreamed this morning that when you tied your shoelaces, that at the end of the day, the coroner would be untying them for you". (There is absolutely nothing about Larry's Gigli's background, how we got to this point, nothing... we get to make it up as we go along...) Camera shows a gagged man stuffed into a large commercial dryer. Our hero ( sarcasm ) Gigli ( pronounced with soft z's it rhymes with really) is extorting a "customer" to tell him that he has Louis' money. Gigli then goes into a monologue about how the body is 80% water, and that an hour or so in the dryer will take much of that moisture out, thus reducing a person to about 30 pounds of ...'beef jerky' After threatening the 'client ' with permanent press the guy comes across that he has 'some of the money'.

Cut to a restaurant on a sunny LA street, where Louis is holding court with a couple of diners. When Gigli walks up Louis is at once abrasive and obnoxious. Gigle tells Louis that he only got a part of the money, Louis is more than upset. Louis it seems is expanding his vocabulary by learning a new word each day. (by the way, what are two Brooklyn thugs doing on the streets of LA???)

However Louis tells Gigli of an important job he has for "a friend and associate" from New York. It seems the associate is a long time friend and is having a spot of difficulty, needs a favor, and Louis is going to demonstrate how helpful he can be to this associate in New York. Gigli is to 'appropriate' the person whose name and location he gives to Gigli. Gigli is to hold this person until the problem resolves itself. In other words, you go kidnap this guy and hold on to him until I tell you otherwise. Gigli goes to a home for mentally challenged persons, and meets his target, a young man named Brian (Justin Bartha) who suffers from what appears to be a medium case of Tourette's Syndrome and slight mental retardation. Brian wants to go to "Baywatch" to see the girls and the sex. On the pretense of going to Baywatch, Gigli and Brian leave the sheltered home. Upon leaving, Gigli utilizes his walkie talkie ( a flashlight) and makes up a conversation that the Baywatch is closed, and takes Brain to his apartment for safekeeping.

Back at the apartment, Brian wants to go home, eat, go to Baywatch, or yell at Gigli. There is a knock... gee I wonder who it could be... A good looking momma who just moved in and needs to use the phone... Turns out JLo is another "ToughGirl" hired by Louis and sent to keep an eye on the otherwise "incompetent" Gigli. Gigli's introduction to his watchdog colleague Ricki is a foul-mouthed encounter as she reduces him from strutting peacock to roasted fowl.

Christopher Walken arrives to provide the movie's first (and just about only) laughs as a police detective who pops into Larry's apartment with the air of someone who can't remember which body part itches. He suspects Larry had something to do with Brian's disappearance but would be content to blame the job on space aliens. There is a moment later where Gigli offers JLo use of half of his bed, "no strings or anything attached, because this is all strictly business.

Alas, our studly hero begins to turn on the bedroom charm only to get shot down when Ricki tells him he is not her type. " What part of me is not your type?"... Oh... your penis....Talk about deflating an overinflated ego... Ricki's lesbianism is portrayed as nothing deeper than a preference for blonds over brunettes. Larry's just not her type --

But soon the would-be couple's conversations resemble rambling therapy sessions prescribed by Dr. Phil. Ricki points out that Larry seems sad. Larry just doesn't get that whole lesbian thing. Larry champions the penis. Ricki compares it to a big toe. And so on. However Jlo does have a interesting monologue about her turn ons, and the Vagina.

Then there's Brian (Justin Bartha), one of those mentally challenged young people that movies like to portray as innocent man-children rather than three-dimensional human beings. Bartha apparently has downloaded Dustin Hoffman's "Rain Man" performance; he's got the agitated muttering and blurted non sequiturs down cold. Brian, continues to insist that Larry take him to "the Baywatch"-- "I think that's where the sex is." He also has a fetish for calling the local weather line for New Zealand... The girl's voice is so captivating and calming for him.

When Louis' plans for mild extortion go awry, he orders Larry and Ricki to chop off Brian's thumb as a signal that the kidnappers mean business. At this point i felt like someone from Mad Magazine took over writing the script. Ricki's Lesbian lover arrives to create a betrayed love scene, and dramatically slashes her wrist after an argument with Ricki and Gigli, while insisting they have three way sex and let Ricki decide who is better in bed... Gee and things could look up, but she slashes her wrists and off we go the the ER.

Ricki, Gigli and Brian all end up at Hospital, where Ricki develops a plan. We end up in the Morgue, where Gigli amputates a thumb from some stiff with a plastic knife. It is then express mailed to the US Attorney, while Ricki and the Express mail clerk make bedroom eyes at each other.

Later, Ricki and Gigli are called to Louis' Digs. There they meet the "associate". Al Pacino's has an unbelievably hammy cameo as a mob honcho who is supposed to be menacing, but he's just full of something other than Al Pacino. While Louis, Ricki and Gigli are sitting on a nice couch with an aquarium behind them, there is a dialogue about whether the thumb is a finger. Al gets angry at Louis for interfering and making life much tougher for him, as now every Fed is in his business. Al shoots Louis. For dramatic effect, we get to see fish feast on brains that have been blown into an aquarium (the bullet would've shattered the tank, but never mind. Ricki and Gigli manage to evade death at Crazy Al's, go back to pick up Brian and take him for the "final ride" the next day.

That night Gigli gets his long awaited opportunity to convince Ricki to change teams. Ricki:" ok Stud, it's 'turkey time'. Gigli "Huh?" Ricki:" Gobble, gobble... show me what you got...."

Next morning, on the road to nowhere, Brian sees a film crew on a beach and gets all excited that Baywatch is open and wants to go see it. Gigli and Ricki decide to drop him at the beach, and go their separate ways. Gigli is going to try it straight, in another state, and another town. Ricki while not planning to 'go straight' is going north to Oregon, and sort things out. Gigli gived Ricki the keys to his car, she takes them and heads off on the road. Gigli has a heartfelt talk with Brian, and sends Brian on his way down to see the Baywatch (they are actually filming some form of "Beach Dance Fever" ) He then calls the US Attorneys office, telling Brian's brother where to find Brian. Brian wanders down next to a gorgeous Blonde and as the director is telling everyone to 'pair up for the next scene, she says hello ......in the magical New Zealand voice Brian has heard on the telephone. The music starts, she begins dancing, and he jerks around in his own eclectic manner of happy happy joy joy... You see Gigli smile, and begin walking down the highway......... Ricki pulls in beside him offering to take him along.

Credits roll with them together in the car driving off in the distance.......

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