THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM
NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by Sitarah who says... "Really enjoyed this movie. It had a lot of funny moments."
The movie starts out with the Monkey King (Jet Li), staff-fighting several armored men on various mountaintops. He's oddly playful, laying the smack down with a long golden staff, then sitting on his opponents and giggling.
Jason, a teenager in Boston, awakens from this dream and dismisses it due to the kung fu movie playing next to him. His room is completely covered in martial arts movie posters and stickers.
His next stop in the morning is a Chinese pawnshop. Old Hop, the shopkeeper (Jackie Chan), is counting money in the dark, shoves it into a can and greets Jason, who has made a beeline for the kung fu movies. Old Hop gently makes fun of him as he peruses the films, and they seem quite friendly. Jason sees a room in the back of the shop and slips in, seeing the staff from his dream. Old Hop hurries back to shoo him out, and, when asked about the staff, mentions that someone left it here long ago with his grandfather. His family has been keeping it until its 'rightful owner' comes back to get it, which will never happen.
Jason rides back home on his bike, passing some girls who ask if was in Chinatown. He says yes and makes up something about learning kung fu. Some hooligans come over to make fun of his bike in front of the girls, find out he was 'learning kung fu' and kick his ass. Head hooligan is pretty vicious, planting a kick right to the center of Jay's chest. They see the pawnshop bag and suddenly get quite interested that he is friendly with the shopkeeper.
Next thing we know, Jason is being forced to lead the gang to the pawnshop at night, knocking at the back door where Old Hop lives. After Jason gets him to open the door, they all go in, demand where he keeps the money, and ransack the place. Head hooligan ends up shooting Old Hop in the chest, and then advances on Jason, the only witness. Jason runs off with the staff, goes onto the roof, and, as the gun is pointed at him, is suddenly swept off his feet and falls off the roof.
Next thing we know, he wakes up in an ancient Chinese village. It is suddenly ransacked by vicious soldiers, who see his staff and start to circle him on horses. A drunken guy passed out on another horse rides up, wakes up, drinks some wine, and tries to interrupt. Luckily, the drunken guy is Lu Yan (also Jackie Chan), who dispatches all of the soldiers in awesome ways while continuing to drink.
Jason and Lu go to a restaurant, and Jason explains that he has no idea what's going on. Lu tells him the story of the staff and the Monkey King: basically, the Monkey King was a silly immortal who really aggravated the Jade Warlord, another immortal. Fortunately, the Jade Emperor, who is the ruler of Heaven and Earth, liked the Monkey King. He tells the Warlord to give him a title or something. However, since the Emperor only comes around every 500 years, the Warlord ignores him and instead challenges the Monkey King to a duel.
They fight in their god-like way in a temple nearby, using weapons, fire, magic, etc. The Monkey King at one point gets a few hairs cut off him, and while the Warlord is distracted, makes one into a clone of himself. He goes up into the rafters to eat a peach while the clone and the Warlord fight. They fight, the clone disappears into a hair again, and eventually the Warlord realizes he can't really win this as is. He tells the Monkey King that they should fight hand to hand, no chi (magic). The Monkey King agrees, throws aside his staff, and then realizes he is being tricked. Indeed, the Warlord turns him into stone now that he is staff-less, but the Monkey King manages to fling the staff through space/time/whatever so that the Warlord can't get that, too.
Jason is informed that there is a prophecy that a stranger will find the staff and return it to the Monkey King. He's not happy about the implications. He pays for their meal since Lu is broke. The strange currency tips off some soldiers, who see the staff. A fight breaks out. Lu and Jason flee, having been assisted at the last moment by Golden Sparrow, a Chinese girl who throws darts.
They start on their quest towards the Mountain/Temple of the Four Elements, where the Jade Warlord lives with the statue of the Monkey King. Lu tries to leave Jason, because they'll be crossing a desert. He is an Immortal, and wine is his 'elixir' to give him strength, so a waterless trek will kill him. Jason begs him not to go and asks him to teach him to fight. Hilarity ensues.
Meanwhile, the Jade Warlord hears about the staff and dispatches the Witch to retrieve it.
In the forest, Jason wakes up alone, and someone covered all in white rides by, takes the staff, and leaves. Jason, Lu, and Sparrow follow the rider to a temple and are puzzled as to why he's sitting there and not racing off towards the Warlord. Lu goes in to retrieve the staff and finds out the guy is a monk (also Jet Li), not the Witch. Lu figures this will be easy and asks for the staff, then tries to take it, but the monk ends up being a badass. They fight epically as Jason and Sparrow watch from outside. Eventually, they both lose grip of the staff, which flies through the air to land in Jason's hands. Lu asks what the monk's problem is. He says that he wanted to find the seeker of the staff, and, clearly, it is Jason. He laughs. A lot.
They continue on their quest, with Jason continuing his martial arts lessons. Lu and the monk disagree on how to do so. They demonstrate with Jason, who gets pretty well beat up. When he complains, they beat him some more. Beatings, beatings, more beatings! Soon, we see this was an effective method for Jason, who is now a decent fighter.
The group continues towards the Temple and come across a village razed by the Jade Warlord. Sparrow reveals that she is an orphan because her father disagreed with him, and he burned her town as an example. She has a dart in her hair with poison to kill an immortal, just waiting for him.
They cross the desert, and the Lu says he'll die soon without water, because wine is his 'elixir'. The monk says that if he was truly an immortal, he could just make it rain. He tries, starting a spell and stuff, and we see water sprinkle onto the ground as if it was raining. Lu is amazed that it worked, until he looks up... to see the monk peeing off a nearby hill. Lu is distracted from his revenge by the fact they finally see the Mountain of Four Elements in the distance. Rejuvenated, they ride toward it and eventually arrive in a valley with cherry blossoms. Sparrow and Jason have a private moment, which is interrupted by the Witch. She informs them that she'll be taking the staff so that she can get the elixir of immortality.
She tries to use her whip to pull away the staff, but the monk uses his sleeves to pull it back. They all fight, doing well until a surge of more soldiers runs up behind the Witch. Our group of four flees towards the mountain. Someone brings the Witch her bow and arrow, and, waiting for some time, she finally lets one fly. A few minutes later, they are all riding through a stream when Lu says he needs to stop. They ask why and he falls off his horse with an arrow in his back.
Luckily, a temple is nearby, filled with monks who can care for Lu. Unfortunately, he needs wine, but they have none. They send out someone to fetch some, but Lu reveals to Jason that he actually failed the test to be an immortal. He is going to die anyway. Jason is pretty upset over this and decides that he will get Lu the elixir of immortality. The monk says they will go in 2 days when there is no moon. Jason thinks that is too late. They argue and stick-fight. The monk wins, but Jason does what he wants anyway.
The Witch is waiting for him at the Temple of the Four Elements, and they go up to see the Warlord. He is happy to get the staff, and Jason asks for the elixir. He says sure, but then the Witch says he promised the elixir to her. The Warlord says he *did* say that, and that this can only be settled by a fight. That's only fair, right? Jason proceeds to get his ass handed to him by the Witch.
As he's about to get his head cut off, the monk, the monks from the temple, Lu on a stretcher, and Sparrow rush in. They all fight, and Jason throws the elixir to Lu, who drinks it, is healed, and kicks some posterior. The monk takes on the Warlord, Sparrow takes on the Witch, and Jason tries to get the staff to the Monkey King statue. The monk sacrifices his life to allow Jason the time to get the staff to the statue. When he does, crazy shock waves erupt, and there's the Monkey King. He looks at the monk, who shimmers and turns to a piece of hair -- he was a clone the whole time.
The Warlord and the Monkey King fight, Lu and the Witch fight, and Jason just kind of hangs out. Sparrow, however, has seen her opening to throw the poison dart at the Warlord. She announces herself and throws it, but, because he is an immortal, he deflects it and throws her against a pillar. It kills her. Meanwhile, Lu throws the Witch off a balcony. Her white hair whips up and almost pulls him off, too, but he cuts it off him, and she falls to her death. We then cut back to Jason, who has snuck up behind the warlord. He stabs him with Sparrow's dart in vengeance, and the Warlord conveniently falls into a pit of lava as he dies.
With everything resolved, the Jade Emperor returns, and Jason asks for him to bring Sparrow back. He says no, because she wrote her own destiny.
Jason goes back home and wakes up on the pavement where he fell earlier. The head hooligan comes down and starts beating him up again and that reminding him that he didn't see nothing'.
Jason finally remembers he has some skills now and serves the smack down, even kicking the gun out of the guy's hand.
We then see Old Hop wheeled into an ambulance. Jason asks if he's going to be okay, and they say yes, the bullet missed his heart. Old Hop adds, "I'm immortal after all." It's really been Lu this whole time.
An asian girl comes up to Jason and tells him that she saw him fighting, and he was awesome. She says she lives in a shop across the street and will be seeing him around. He's psyched and sees her enter the Golden Sparrow shop. Yes, it's Sparrow.