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EPIC MOVIE - Preview
EPIC MOVIE

NOTE: Spoiler by W.P.

The film begins with Lucy (Jayma Mays), an employee at a museum who witnessed the death of Jacques Saunière, in a parody of The Da Vinci Code. Lucy is desperate to get "the code" from the dying Saunière, but is unable to understand him. Saunière then breaks out in dance, spelling out Da Vinci for Lucy. She then runs to the Mona Lisa, finds a ridiculous clue, and heads to the vending machine to hit the number 7. Through all this, Silas is in the middle of chasing Lucy, preparing to attack her. However, a chocolate bar falls out of the vending machine and she bends over before Silas is able to get her. He crashes into the vending machine. Lucy discovers that the chocolate bar is from the Willy factory, and obtains a Golden Ticket inviting her to go on an "epic adventure".

Next, we follow Edward at a Mexican monastery/orphanage, in a parody of Nacho Libre. Edward, played by Kal Penn, is the oldest one at the monastery and decides he’s going to become a wrestler after declaring he is better than the rest of the orphans. He then gets beaten up by one of the orphans to "teach him a lesson", and is thrown down a table. As he is sliding along, he notices a Golden Ticket from a Willy chocolate bar and takes it. Edward ends up crashing through the window.

We then see Susan (Faune Chambers) in the middle of a flight on her way to her new adoptive parents, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. She requests a glass of water from her flight attendant. The attendant pours a pitcher into a plastic glass, but instead of water, a snake falls in. Samuel L. Jackson shows up, picks up Susan, and tosses her out of the plane. On the ground, Paris Hilton is seen walking out of a store. "I’m so hot", she says. Susan lands on Paris Hilton, crushing her, and taking the final Golden Ticket from Paris' purse.

Peter (Adam Campbell) is a mutant, parodying Marvel Comics' X-Men. He is attracted to Mystique (Carmen Electra) and asks her to be his date to the homecoming dance. She declines the offer, as Wolverine, Storm, Rogue and Cyclops show up to tell Peter off. Wolverine draws his metal claws and begins to approach Peter. Peter panics and begins to take off his upper clothing, preparing to show his mutant ability. Suddenly, small chicken wings burst out of Peter's back. The other mutants burst out laughing at him. Magneto, the headmaster, breaks up the fight and shoos Peter off. However, Magneto uses his abilities to open a locker, smashing Peter right in the face. All the X-Men laugh and leave the scene. A Willy bar falls on Peter, and he recovers a Golden Ticket.

The four orphans meet at the Willy Chocolate Factory. Willy Wonka (Crispin Glover) tells the orphans that the secret ingredient in his chocolate is human parts, and he plans to keep the orphans in his factory to use them for his chocolate. He succeeds in getting the ingredients, and is now holding the orphans captive.

All four of them are locked in a room together. They try to come up with ideas to escape, but are discouraged because of the fact they're all orphans. Willy is heard approaching, calling for the orphans to go to him. Everyone panics, trying to find a place to hide. Lucy wanders out of the room and finds a wardrobe in another room down the hall. She opens it, and after a massive pile of clutter lands on top of her, she climbs inside to meet Mr. Tumnus (Hector Jiminez). He welcomes Lucy to Gnarnia, and warns her of the grave danger she's in.

Edward follows Lucy to Gnarnia, and meets the White Bitch (Jennifer Coolidge). She seduces Edward and gets him to agree to get the other orphans in the same place. Susan and Peter arrive in Gnarnia and find Lucy and Edward. Edward tries to get everyone to stay put, but it doesn't work. Everyone makes their way to Mr. Tumnus' house; a reluctant Edwards tags along. There, a talking beaver introduces himself as Mr. Tumnus' life partner, Harry Beaver...well, after Lucy kicks him. Harry tells the orphans that the White Bitch arrested Mr. Tumnus for protecting Lucy. Also, he tell the orphans that "the clues are all around you". Edward leaves just as the others are looking around the house. A painting of the last supper hangs on the wall. After examining it, the orphans discover that they are all related to one another, and that the White Bitch killed their parents.

Meanwhile, Edward goes to see the White Bitch at her castle. He realizes that she is evil, and refuses to tell her where the other orphans are. Unfortunately, the White Bitch seduces him again, and Edward accidentally gives her the information. He is then locked in the castle prison.

Because the White Bitch knows where they are located, Lucy, Susan, and Peter have to leave Mr. Tumnus' house. When they leave, they run into Mr. Tumnus. He and Harry Beaver share a passionate kiss. The reunion is cut short, however; Silas is after Mr. Tumnus, and he gets everyone to leave before Silas arrives. Lucy and Susan don't want to leave him, but Peter, being a coward, leads them off. As they distance themselves from Mr. Tumnus, Silas arrives and shoots him in the chest. He cries for help from the others, but Peter assures the girls that he's testing them and he doesn't really need their help. They then leave the scene deciding Mr. Tumnus is really okay.

Edward tries to find ways to break out of prison. He meets the very eccentric Captain Jack Swallows who is difficult to understand, but manages to come up with a plan to get out of the prison cell. He whips out a knife, pokes Edward in the stomach, and cries out "man down!". When the guards come, Swallows picks up Edward and uses his body to knock down the guards, giving them enough time to escape.

Harry Beaver sends Lucy, Susan and Peter out of the winter scenery and into the woods to train for the war. They end up meeting Harry Potter (who claims to be "only 14" despite appearing to be at least 30), along with a balding Ron and a pregnant Hermione. They all help Lucy, Susan and Peter train for the war.

Edward asks Jack Swallows what it is like to be a pirate, and after some dancing realizes that Jack Swallow isn't even a real pirate, and the ship they are on is an amusement park ride. Jack Swallows sells Edward to the White Bitch, who traps him in a prison. She then kills Jack Swallows, who swears revenge.

Upon finishing their training, they head to the camp of Aslo, the wise but horny lion. There they are greeted by many people, including James Bond and Chewbacca. Aslo agrees to help them rescue Edward, conditional on having sex. They eventually rescue Edward, with Silas being killed by Aslo in the process, who is in turn killed by the White Bitch.

Harry Beaver tells the orphans that Aslo is dead, and the orphans feel alone. However, the entire camp will help them fight the White Bitch's army, including Peter's former classmates. Susan, Edward, and Lucy get drunk, with Susan vomiting all over the camp. Meanwhile, Peter has sex with Mystique.

Upon facing the White Bitch's army, they realize they are outnumbered because nobody came to help them after Susan vomited all over them. They are distracted for a time as Jack Swallows attempts to gain revenge by running over the White Bitch with a giant waterwheel. The White Bitch uses her Davy Jones mask to redirect him away from the battle. Peter attempts to run, but rips off his chicken wings and returns to help his family. They heroically charge, but all but Peter are fatally wounded. as Peter is about to be struck down, he grabs a remote on the ground, which pauses time. He heals the injuries of his comrades, and the orphans proceed to kill the entire army as it is paused.

Eventually, all that is left is the White Bitch. As the other orphans go to strike her down, Peter stops them, and gives a lecture about how Gnarnia will be a democracy, and that she will be given a fair trial. This lecture is interrupted as the White Bitch is flattened by Jack Swallows. The orphans then become kings and queens of Gnarnia, and in their old age they discover the wardrobe again, walking through it. They become young again, and encounter Borat. Borat congratulats them for having a happy ending, just as Jack Swallows flattens them. "Not." The credits then start rolling.

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