NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by Rocco’s Girlfriend’s Cat who says, "This movie has lots of both gratuitous violence and hilarious profanity that can’t be fully detailed or done justice by a recap, so go see it to get all that excellent nitty gritty."
The movie opens with David Della Rocco (the eponymous David Della Rocco), who died in the first movie, talking in voiceover about people who say things and people who actually do things. The doers make the difference in the world. A shadowy figure walks into a church and kills a priest, imitating The Saints’ signature execution, on his knees, two guns to the back of the head.
We see fraternal twins Connor MacManus (Sean Patrick Flannery) and Murphy MacManus (Norman Reedus) in Ireland on horseback. After the first movie, they retired and went into hiding. They are shepherds with long hair and beards and live in a simple cottage with their father, “Il Duce” (Billy Connolly). A priest arrives with news of what happened back in Boston and warns them to stay put, which of course they don’t. Their father tells the priest whoever planned this execution probably didn’t count on the boys actually returning. In a barn, Connor and Murphy dig up a chest with their rosaries, peacoats, and guns. They cut their hair and beards and take showers. We see new tattoos, the most prominent on their backs, half a crucifixion on each.
Their father remains in Ireland, but throughout the film we see some of his flashbacks, where we learn his first name is Noah. A leather chair takes him back to when he worked in his father’s leather shop, and gangsters murdered his father. Later, a butterfly tattoo on his hand takes him back to when, with help from his Italian best friend Louie, he killed his father’s murderers.
Back in the states, we see Detectives Greenly, Dolly, and Duffy from the first movie awaiting an FBI agent’s arrival. It’s not Smecker from the first movie, but his protégé, a stiletto-wearing Southern woman. Special Agent Eunice Bloom, who Greenly instantly develops a crush on. Although the film is set a decade after the original, The Saints are still wanted by the FBI as serial killers. As opposed to her mentor’s listening to opera while observing a crime scene, Bloom dons pink earplugs. She quickly deduces that the saints were not responsible for the murder because of the exit wounds being in the cheeks instead of through the eyes. She posits that it was a single man, and that he is short because of the angle and a concave indentation kicked in the confessional from an elevated boot. She estimates 5’5” as opposed to The Saints being supposedly 5’11” each. News reports conflict about whether The Saints are guilty or not since they are not known to murder innocent people.
On a freight boat to the states, The Saints place bets and watch a Mexican (Clifton Collins, Jr.) in handcuffs “fight” a big brawny Frenchman. The Mexican is supposed to last five minutes but instead of just dodging ends up knocking out the Frenchman with his legs. Later Romeo, the Mexican, is looking for someone to drink with and happens on The Saints as they tattoo each other. The twins eventually get into a fight because Connor suggests they dye their hair They realize returning to their old, police-sketch appearances was stupid and Murphy calls the idea of becoming blondes “gay.” Romeo overhears the entire thing. He is immediately in awe of them and wants in, offering his connections in Boston as help. The brothers pretend to have to kill him for knowing their secret. As they’re about to shoot him, they say a prayer about God calling him home. When the empty gun clicks, they joke it must be a busy signal.
In Boston, we see a dinner meeting of the Yakavetta crime family. Concezio, son of Papa Don from the first movie, is in charge now. He admits to having the priest murdered, to which the other mafia bosses object. Concezio insists he wants revenge for the public execution of his father (the end of the first movie) and that they should not live in fear of The Saints. He screws ups the word “serendipitous” and later beats the man who corrects him with a salami. His underlings are not completely supportive of his plan but agree anyway.
Back at the police station, the three cops are trying to suggest that Bloom leave because if not the saints, it shouldn’t matter to her or the FBI. She refuses to, and they decide she’s just going for the glory of taking down the Yakavettas. The detectives worry that at some point in the investigation, she’ll discover how they and Smecker let The Saints go in the first movie, which will end up with them in prison as well. Bloom convinces their superior not to inform the media that The Saints are innocent of the priest’s murder because she doesn’t want Concezio to know they’re on to him. The detectives wonder if the saints will show up. One says they’re either on their way or already here.
Cut to a warehouse where Asian gangsters, involved with the Yakavettas, are storing heroin. Connor suggests one of his action-flick-inspired plans, which we see in a stylized ideal movie scene that involves slicked back hair, sunglasses, and lit cigarettes: Romeo drives a forklift in carrying a crate, the brothers pop out of the crate and shoot everyone down, executing the last guy with their signature MO.
The next scene shows Greenly observing the crime scene while listening to his iPod. He takes off his earphones and says it wasn’t The Saints. Bloom disagrees and walks us through her deduction of the actual fight scene. Romeo drives the forklift in but can’t see because of the crate and almost crashes several time while the brothers argue and shout directions, eventually hitting a pit where the crate falls. It shatters, but the brothers and Romeo, with the tiny 22 they give him, still manage to shoot everyone down. The detectives and Bloom notice the small bullets from this seventh gun and wonder about it.
The cops bring new evidence to Bloom, a rosary bead found on the priest’s corpse and an unidentified fingerprint on his watch. (All the other crime scene prints came back as parishioners.) Bloom deduces that the gunman attacked the priest after entering the confessional, hence the rosary the priest would have been carrying. She wonders why he would take off his gloves though. We see a flashback where the assassin, insecure about his size, is laying down next to the priest’s body and then compares their hand sizes. He steals the rosary in anger, not noticing a bead snap off.
The Yakavetta family is hanging out in a luxurious high rise, where Concezio has sealed himself into a panic room and only communicates to everyone through a video screen. Salami Guy is wearing a head brace now. “Gorgeous George,” the only one from Brooklyn walks in and is surprised by the entire thing. He wants to stay in their new safehouse, but Concezio sends him back out on the street to continue running things while everyone else hides.
The brothers take Romeo to their old hangout from the first movie, the bar owned by the elderly Tourette-Syndrome bartender “Doc.” Doc is happy to see them and said he’s been expecting them, throwing in his occasional “Fuck! Ass!” He’s prepared his storage room for them, complete with booze, lobster, and a pool table.
Bloom tracks George down to a massage parlor where she roughs him up a little, but he refuses to give her any information. Later, the brothers and Romeo, having been tipped off by Romeo’s uncle, jump George at a tanning salon, where he jokes that a life of leisure is overrated. George doesn’t know anything about Yakavetta’s assassin but agrees to call a meeting of all his thugs in exchange for his life.
The meeting is held at Romeo’s uncle’s restaurant, where Romeo plays bartender while The Saints wait in the back with George, taping him to a car and writing in Gaelic on his back. They give Romeo one of their guns, saying he’s proven himself worthy of an upgrade. While George’s guys arrive, Bloom is shown on her way, having been told by Greenly that he heard George is having a meeting. The Saints roll George into the room, and when the thugs gather around him and wonder what the Gaelic means they’re told it means, “You’re fucked.” They turn around and get shot down easily by Romeo and The Saints, who play one round of Russian Roulette with George and then let him go after he tells them The Yakavettas are holed up in The Prudential Tower.
The assassin hesitates before attacking The Saints and calls his elderly employer, who assures him that if he kills “the sons, the father will come.” The assassin sneaks up on the brothers while they celebrate, but Bloom shoots him in the gut and he flees. She lowers her gun and explains to the brothers that Smecker trusted her to take care of them after he was gone. The brothers exchange condolences with her, and we see a flashback of her laying flowers on his grave. She shows them a file from Interpol of Ottilio Panza, a Sicilian with a record who immigrated two months after 9/11, implying that someone powerful brought him in if he was still able to enter the country at that point. Bloom helps the brothers compromise the crime scene in such a way that it looks like the thugs all turned on each other. She corroborates this later in her analysis with the detectives.
After finishing at the Mexican restaurant, Bloom tells the three detectives she wants a drink and convinces them to go to Doc’s bar. There, the brothers hose them down with the soda fountains, and the cops realize Bloom is completely on their side. The cops offer their full cooperation, once again, with anything the brothers decide. As Bloom leaves, the brothers offer to tell them their plan, but she says she’d rather figure it out herself.
Panza is recuperating at his employer’s place, where the employer has removed the bullet. He sees the rosary Panza stole from the priest and whips him across the face with it, knowing this theft could result in their being tracked.
The brothers go back to the secret armory from the first movie, where the owner gives them new guns and Romeo pistols with the Mexican flag on the handle.
At the Prudential, The Yakavettas have hired the best bodyguard they could each find and getting a lecture from Concezio, who has left his panic room temporarily after being called a pussy by one of them. In the hallway closet outside, Romeo is holding a janitor at gunpoint and asking for input for a clever catchphrase. He watches the time, knowing their plan depends on careful timing. Outside the tower, the brothers are on window-washing equipment with the cops being lowered to the Yakavetta floor. Murphy is pissed at what he considers Connor’s stupidest plan since the rope-and-ventilation-ducts plan in the first movie. The plan fails when the equipment stalls several floors above. The Saints hurriedly calculate and count out the yards of ROPE they’ll need, to Murphy’s chagrin, because they can’t be late or Romeo will die.
Later, Bloom and the detectives are at the crime scene, where yet another FBI agent shows up and says he’s here to relieve Bloom of her duties because she’s made no progress in actually capturing The Saints. She doesn’t argue but offers to finish analyzing the scene before stepping down. We see her imagination of what happened and she’s dressed as a cowgirl Connor’s plan was inspired by an old Western movie. The Saints swung with the ropes and crashed through the windows and gunned down Concezio and his crew. Romeo meanwhile killed the bodyguard outside the door and kicked it in, killing anyone trying to flee. (Only one guy survived by diving into the panic room before Concezio did.)
As Bloom finishes her explanation outside the panic room, the guy pops out, grabs her, and reenters. The new FBI agent calls for a hostage negotiator while Greenly worries about Bloom is being assaulted. Inside the panic room, Bloom has already overpowered the guy and is grilling him about Panza. He says he knows nothing except that Panza was suggested by “The Old Man” aka “The Roman” who he’s never seen but who was an advisor to Concezio.
Back at Doc’s, Greenly rushes in to tell the brothers what’s happened but is gunned down in the front door by Panza. The brothers duck behind the bar and grab weapons, but when they stand up they see that Panza has taken Doc hostage. They lower their weapons and surrender. Panza raises his gun but is shot in the arm by Noah. While the brothers attend to the dying Greenly, Noah his two revolvers with one bullet each and hands one to Panza, silently admitting his shot was unfair. The brothers object to this but their father silences them. They each aim a gun at Panza, telling him no matter what happens to their father, he will surely die tonight. Panza refuses to give up information about his employer and eventually Noah wins the roulette game.
Noah sits his sons down and explains to them how he became “Il Duce” in the first place. He couldn’t stop killing gangsters, so he convinced Louie to be his accomplice. Louie was the brains, the planner, and Noah was the brawn, the executioner. They created his leather gun-vest together, Louie would choose the bad guys, and Noah would take them down. This partnership lasted for years until one night when Noah set him up and he went to prison. (He was freed to hunt down The Saints; unaware they were his sons, in the first movie.) The only reason he didn’t have anyone go after Louie was because Louie knew Noah had twin sons. Louie never harmed the brothers, and Noah wanted to ensure that. Louie is “The Roman / Old Man.” The brothers ask why Louie turned him in and why he’s after all of them now. Noah doesn’t know and says he can’t wait to ask himself.
That night the MacManus brothers have the same dream where Rocco, Rocco Girlfriend’s Cat (accidentally killed in the first film) and Greenly tell them not to feel guilty about their deaths. They were honored to help and knew what they were getting into, and they’re glad their deaths made a difference in the world.
The next day, the new FBI Agent is interrogating the lone survivor of the Yakavetta massacre and is disturbed by some news he receives from Internal Affairs. Bloom meets with the MacManus family and hands them paperwork on Louie, including his address. Noah embraces her and asks if “they” (the FBI) will know. Bloom says due to her illegal acquirement of these documents that she’s sure they’re on to her by now and that the four men will need to hurry if they want to get to the house before the FBI does. When asked what she will do as she can’t return to her job, she says she’s thinking about moving to Costa Rica.
Meanwhile at his place, Louie calls another mafia friend asking to borrow some tomatoes for marinara sauce code for some armed thugs. The friend agrees.
When they arrive at Louie’s house, Noah enters first, the brothers wander the house, and Romeo stays outside. Noah finds Louie listening to records in his garden. Noah explains himself, saying that they are opposites and Noah could never appreciate a garden. Noah is a “destroyer” while Louie is a “creator.” He helped Noah kill all “the competition” so that The Yakavetta Family could rise to power. When Noah’s usefulness was over, Louie turned him in. Louie’s plan failed because The Yakavettas abandoned him despite his help. Louie thinks being a killer is “in the blood,” using the evidence of the brothers who never met their father becoming serial killers also. Noah refuses to believe him but understands Louie is enacting the same plan on a grander scale now. Louie starts the record player again, apparently a signal to his henchmen.
A huge gunfight ensues. Louie sits in his chair the entire time. The henchmen are all killed, but all four men, with Noah’s and Romeo’s injuries being critical. Noah tells his sons to bring him to Louie, whom he tells he will see “in a minute.” Louie nods before Noah shoots him in the head.
As the brothers try to leave the house, they see it is surrounded by FBI and local police, guns raised. They lower their weapons. As the cops storm the house, we see Romeo on the ground, raising his hand in surrender.
Bloom, chewing gum and in a black wig, is on a dock in an unknown location. The Irish priest from the beginning of the movie is escorting her and explaining the fishing gentleman he will hand her off too will take her to a monastery. He explains that as monasteries are under the jurisdiction of The Holy See, she will be safe even if discovered. The guy fishing is revealed to be Agent Paul Smecker (Willem Dafoe, in uncredited cameo). He teases her by calling her Betty Boop, and she is naturally pissed because of the funeral, etc. He tells her the dress she wore to his funeral was inappropriately short. He asks her not to yell or she’ll scare off the fish. She spits her gum into the water and yells some more, asking about the “we” that he and the priest keep referring. He says he’s been building up “resources” to enable The Saints to do what they do on a larger scale and implies they have the blessing of The Catholic Church as well.
We see Connor and Murphy waking up, bandaged, in the infirmary of their high security prison. Romeo is unconscious in a nearby bed. They look out the window at all the inmates, who return their stare angrily.
Smecker tells Bloom they can’t leave the boys in prison and wants to break them out. Bloom agrees, despite thinking the Smecker plan is ridiculous and impossible. But leaving them there is a death sentence. Smecker replies that he thinks they can take of themselves while they wait We see The Saints pretending to shoot out the window with their fingers.
You can send in your spoiler to other movies by going here.