NOTE: This great spoiler was sent in by Toni who says..."In order to really understand how funny this movie is, you have to see it. This movie really is non-stop funny from the moment it starts to the moment it ends. "
It starts out with classical music playing in the background and you see a Catholic orphanage with a ton of kids on a lake all ice skating. Except for one little boy who a mop of blonde hair who is showing signs of being an "ice skating child prodigy." His name is Jimmy (Heder) and he is being watched by all the nuns who are also on ice skates. Finally as he keeps skating, a man says "i'll buy him" and he becomes Jimmy's adoptive father.
Then we break into a new screen 26 years later and we see Jimmy about to perform his ice skating routine at something like the olympics - on the same grand scale. He's decked out in a elaborate peacock costume and is wowing the judges who claim he is performing every move perfectly.
Then they show a short bio on Jimmy's life with Jimmy's voice speaking saying how he had a pretty normal childhood - and you see him hooked up to all of these health monitor things because his adoptive dad wanted him to be perfect at skating and monitored his every move. Other short clips follow and basically show him growing up. You then see his performance which is absoluting hillarious - with his hand making some kind of bird movement and since his hand is painted like a peacock tomatch his costume it looks ridiculous. He finishes his performance and he gets great scores. While his dad is talking with Jimmy about his performance - an overeager fanatical stalker fan tries to touch Jimmy but is escorted away by security. His dad and his coach are waiting with him while the scores are bing read and they approve once the judges are finished announcing.
We see the judges pan over on the screen to show a brother and sister team, the Von Wonderbund's who have won gold in the pair's division. Theys how a short bio of them and you see how they grew up ormally and their parents were champion skiiers and you see them with their parents. They also have a younger sister, Katie, who every time you see one of their pictures is standing to the side of their two parents and her older brother and sister and just looks unloved and not part of the family. The brother and sister team look snotty and like something is not quite right up there, but Katie is a down to earth nice gal. The judges ask them what they think of the competition so far - but they never really get to answer because Chazz Michael Michaels has arrived to compete. The judges announce him.
Next up is Chazz Michael Michaels (Farrell) who comes out in a black and red cowboy suit and irritates Jimmy and makes fun of him. Saying his performance is lame and he basically sucks. Then the judges announce to us and the world watching from home that basically Chazz is like sex for these championships. He brings female viewers to watch and they all love him. They show his short bio and he says he is a sex addict and you see him in a series of so called provocative but stupid-silly shots. He performs his routine - which the judges love as well and goes to wait his score. Jimmy is waiting for his scores too since everyone knows that only Jimmy & Chazz have what it takes to win the gold.
When they ready the score, Jimmy realizes that they are tied, but Chazz doesn't believe it until they announce it like 2 seconds later. They have tied for gold. Jimmy's dad fires the coach because he says he only got him a half a gold medal since he has to share it and the coach leaves visibly upset. It time to award the medals and Jimmy & Chazz are standing side by the side on the podium and they are lowering the flags when they start to argue because there isn't enough room to stand on and Jimmy pushes Chazz off the podium. Pandemonium ensues and they knock over one of the big cauldrons with a burning flame and the mascot is now on fire running around like crazy. Finally the crowd is shocked into silence and Chazz and Jimmy stop fighting long enough to realize what happened. A little girl starts to cry because the mascot is being doused with water to drown out the flames. She's holding a small toy mascot in her hands.
We see both Jimmy & Chazz at a big conference meeting room with all the elected officials of the board of ice skating championships and the press. Nancy Kerrigan is one of the elected officials and Chazz tries to come on to her but she is skeeved out by him. The president of the committee asks if either of them have anything to say for their actions. Chazz shows a picture of him in his cowboy skating outfit and declares that he is ice skating. he personifies it. Jimmy apologizes profusely. In the end, they are both band from ice skating every again. They are both stunned and the media goes wild.
After the meeting, Jimmy and his dad are driving, presumably to go back home and his dad stops the limo driver and tells him that Jimmy is no longer his son since he is not a winner. He leaves Jimmy and all his stuff on the side of the road.
3? years later we see Chazz working at a place called Grublets on Ice - think of Disney on ice - only very ghetto. He plays the evil wizard but is drunk out of his mind most of the time because he hates what his life has become. In one scene, he is so drunk, he pukes twice in his huge head costume and tells everyone about it and the manager has to come out and apologize to the crowd and refunds their money.
Next we see Jimmy, who is working for a sporting goods store that sells snow related sports, like ice skates, snow boards, ski's etc. He is helping a little girl tie her skates but he is tying them on too tight and she complains. He tells her that they may be tight but that's because he hasn't finished tying them completely yet. He continues and she complains again, this time to her dad, who complains to Jimmy's manager and tells him he has to go work in the stock room now. Jimmy goes to the stock room and is working there and is confronted by the same over eager/stalker fan who tried to touch him at the championships after he won but was escorted out by security. Jimmy says he can't see him because he has a restraining order against him but they keep talking anyway and the fan (who doesn't have a name in the movie) tells him that he should go back to skating, that he can't possibly be happy working there. Jimmy says he has been banned and can't ever go back to skating. The fan shows him a thick book and points out how he can still skate, just not in his division. He could still dance as ? of a pair. Jimmy asks how all of his attorney's couldn't have found this loophole and he could. The fan says they just weren't obsessed with you as I was. Before the fan leaves, he tells Jimmy that he will still have to kill him one day.
Jimmy contacts his old coach and explains to him how he wants to compete again and just needs to find a partner. His coach basically tells him its impossible, some people look forever for a perfect partner and never find one and stalks off. Jimmy is upset and tries to find a partner himself. He goes to Grublets on Ice and since they are hiring he writes down the names of all the females to call them and see if they are any good. Just then the manager comes over and tells him to leave and stop taking his potential employees. He finds out from the manager that Chazz used to work there and just then, Chazz walks in even though he was fired, and they start calling each other names again and they get into another fight. They start rolling around and they end up on the main stage and everyone is watching them fight again just like they did on national TV 3? years ago. On the news that night, they replay that fight and Jimmy's old coach sees them on TV. He must have tivo or something so he stops the news and plays back in slow-motion them throwing each other around in the air and it looks like they are throwing each other around flawlessly like like a profession ice skating couple. Quite a hilarious scene!
Jimmy and Chazz are now in jail for their public fight and the Coach goes to visit them in jail and they keep on fighting and eventually he tricks them into saying yes they will ice skate together. The Coach takes them to some remote cabin where they will all stay and live together and practice. He then shows them a cold storage room that his friend is letting him use to let them practice in. Jimmy complains that the ice in the room has not been properly treated and was rough and not smooth. Chazz calls Jimmy a wimp and they try to show each other how strong and manly they can be. They throw themselves on the ice half naked and come up with all sorts of bruises - another funny scene. The coach also tells Jimmy that he will play the female role because Chazz is too heavy for anyone to lift. He puts Chazz on a diet. We see Chazz, Coach and Jimmy at home eating while Chazz is on the treadmill; Jimmy & Chazz are still constantly fighting and it gets on the Coaches nerves so that he leaves the room, Chazz runs over and stuffs his face full of food, Jimmy tries to tattle, and throws food at Chazz but Chazz just tells him to throw more food!
Over the next few days you see them practicing more and fighting a little bit less each day and they start to become friendly towards each other. Coach tells them that at one point in his career, he had indented a new ice skating move, so radical it was revolutionary. The committee never approved it because it was too dangerous. So the coach went to North Korea and tried to teach it to the ice skaters there. We see a montage on a tape he made from North Korea and the two ice skaters try to execute the move, but the girl ends of being beheaded instead by her partner. But they all act like its nothing of the ordinary. At least the coach does and starts teaching them how to do it. Jimmy will be the one flung into the air and Chazz will have to catch him. Chazz has to practice throwing his leg a certain way for the move, which is called the Iron Lotus, and practices on a suspended dummy, all of which he has beheaded with his sharp ice skating blades. Jimmy looks on in horror.
Meanwhile, the Von Wonderbunds want their sister Katie, who they treat like a slave, to spy on this new team so they can see what moves they are trying to perform so they can come up with a better routine for the competition coming up. Katie finally gives in and spies on them and somehow Katie and Jimmy meet and they really like each other and go out for snow cones. Now the brother/sister team want Katie to sleep with Chazz to break up their friendship and so they won't compete at the next nationals. Katie refuses to do that since she really does like Jimmy but the tell her if she doesn't do it, they will probably break Jimmy's leg.
We see Chazz get all dolled up to attend a sex addicts meeting. Luke Wilson is the chairperson of the meeting and gets everyone to talk about themselves. A few minutes into the meeting, we see Katie walk in, pretending to be a sex addict as well. After the meeting is over, Chazz and Katie walk back to the hotel everyone is staying in since the championships are the next day. After a few minutes, he walks to her room and he goes in and she come out wearing nothing but a bustier and a ruffled pair of panties. She tries to get him all horny - which doesn't take much since he is a sex addict and he starts touching her chest when in walks Jimmy. Jimmy is horrified and runs away. Chazz runs after him trying to explain nothing happened and Katie feels horrible she allowed her brother and sister to talk her into this. Jimmy is no where to be found and Chazz stays up all night leaving messages on Jimmy's hotel room answering machine.
The next morning, Coach calls Chazz and asks him where he is, because Jimmy has been laying down on a bench at the championships arena for 8 hours. Chazz says he'll be there right away and wants to apologize.
We see Katie's brother and sister come into her room see the bed all rumpled and congratulate her for having sex with Chazz. Katie says she didn't do it and feels horrible. Her brother and sister are pissed off but Katie leaves to try to find Jimmy.
Chazz is outside trying to catch a cab, finds one, gets in and tells him where to go and when the driver turns around you see if the Von W. brother and he hits him over the heat with a hard metal object. When Chaz comes to, he is tied up in a chair and looks to be alone. However, he hears the brother in the bathroom on the phone, probably to his sister, complaining about how his hair is not cooperating with him. Chazz sees like 50 million ice skates behind him and he jumps with the chair to get closer to the ice skates and frees himself. When Von W. comes out from the bathroom he sees Chazz has escaped and runs outside. Chazz has just finished putting on a pair of the skates he found and he tells Von W. he won't get away with this. He starts ice skating his way back to the arena over this huge frozen lake and Von W. follows. When they finally get to the arena they are both falling over themselves because they are on ice skates and can't walk on regular floors - another hilarious scene - they both get stuck on the escalators because of the ridges on the escalator stairs and their ice skates. Chazz asks Von W. what his costume is supposed to be and he says he is JFK and that it will make sense when he sees his partner. Chazz calls him lame. They manage to get off the escalators and run into a mini souvenir kiosk and Von W. manages to get his hands on an automatic bow & arrow and starts firing to hit Chazz, but misses and hits the mascot again (same mascot that was burned in the first scene) and the mascot falls down. Everyone gasps but they keep running.
Meanwhile, Jimmy is walking around trying to find Chazz and is accosted by the sister Von W. and she slaps some handcuffs she stole from a security guard and drags him to the bathroom and chains him to the handicapped stall. She throws the key on top of some dirty tissues in of a very full trash can. Jimmy much later sees a kid come in and asks for help but the kid runs away screaming danger, stranger! but he knocks over the trash can in the process and Jimmy sees the keys which are still on top of a long roll of dirty toilet paper that has unrolled by Jimmy's head. He has to use his tongue to drag the key to him to unlock himself. It was gross.
On the rink are the Von W.'s and they perform they interpretation of American history and the JFK/Marilyn Monroe affair - complete with her hilariously taking pill and her brother trying to bring her body back to life. They go sit down in the waiting room to receive their scores.
Jimmy has freed himself and makes his way to the rink. The coach tells him that if Chazz is not there is 30 seconds they will be disqualified. Jimmy says he knows but has faith that Chazz will make it. Ms. Von W. is shocked to see Jimmy has escaped but knows that Chazz won't make it because her brother took care of it.
Finally Chazz makes it and screams out over everyone that Katie is not a whore over and over and Jimmy says he knows and Katie just tries to be anywhere but there she is so embarrassed. Chaz makes it to the rink and they begin their performance. They are doing quite well and the crowd if cheering them on. Ms. Von W. is so upset she breaks off her chain of pearls and throws one pearl on the ice and at that exact moment, Chazz skates over one, almost falls breaks his ankle - just as they were getting ready to do the Iron Lotus. He tells Jimmy he's hurt but Jimmy says they have to keep going and Chazz agrees. Jimmy says that they will have to do the Iron Lotus in reverse, with Jimmy throwing Chazz in the air and Chazz tells him you better not chop off my head!
They start getting ready to perform the Iron Lotus and the Coach sees and starts screaming to stop, that's its suicide! the judges are amazed that they are about to see the fabled iron Lotus. Next we see them actually perform the Iron Lotus in slow motion. Jimmy throws Chazz in the air where he does some kind of somersault and Jimmy does his own spins on the ice and Jimmy catches him by one leg and arm and Chazz stays straight and they keep spinning together until they finish - its look really complex. They have executed it perfectly! The crowd goes wild! They've won the gold!
Security bursts in with the abused mascot and the mascot points out the Von W.'s as the one who tried to kill him with the automatic bow & arrow and they go to arrests them. the sister starts screaming at her brother, they both hit each other, and then they kiss passionately before they are broken apart.
On stage, they are awarding the medals and this time they are not fighting and share the podium happily. The movie ends with them flying away somehow on skates and you see them skating in the clouds. LOL.
Everyone lives happily ever after.
Be sure to stay for the closing credit out takes!
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