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NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by brentage2000 who says..."Okay, everyone. Let me say that this is the funniest movie I've seen in a while, but it's complicated as hell. So before I get started, I'm gonna go over the list of players, okay? Okay..."
Elliot Arnold (Tim Allen) - He lives in Miami with his son Matt (Ben Foster).
He drives a geo, runs an advertising business after being fired from his newspaper column writer job, got divorced a couple of years ago, and gets absolutely no respect from Matt, who recently got picked to play a game called killer, where he has to shoot someone with a squirt gun. That someone is Jenny Herk.
The Herks - Arthur Herk ( Stanley Tucci) is a businessman who recently made some bad decisions that got his board of directors mad at him, and now they're trying to kill him. He has been married to his wife Anna (Rene Russo) for ten years, and she has one child from her previous marriage, Jenny (Zooey Deschanel).
Snake and Eddie (Tom Sizemore and Johnny Knoxville)
- Two recently escaped convicts who are complete idiots.
Puggy - A drifter who recently moved into a tree outside the Herks home after hearing that Miami has great Cuban food. Of course, he thinks that this means Fritos.
Henry Algott (Dennis Farina) - A hitman who, along with his assistant Leonard, has been sent to Miami to kill Arthur.
Nina (Sofia Vergara) - the Herks maid, who Arthur has recently grown VERY attracted to.
Officers Monica Ramiro and Walter Kramitz (Janene Garofolo and Patrick Warburton)
- Two Miami police officers. During a recent drug bust, Monica's shirt got torn open revealing her bustier to Walter, who hasn't been able to get the image out of his head.
A toad - According to Elliot, the most evil being in the whole universe (not really important, but he gets laughs).
We start with Elliot getting chewed out by one of his clients. He was supposed to make a beer ad, but what he made isn't quite what the client wanted. He is saved by a phone call from Matt, who says that he and his friend Andrew need to borrow the car so they can kill someone. He just says to have it back by 10:30 that night. While this is going on, Henry and Leonard are arriving in Miami, as is Puggy and an A-Bomb (oh, did I forget to mention that there's one in the story?).
That afternoon, Puggy goes into a bar where he meets - and gets robbed by - Snake and Eddie. The bartender throws them out, and then this Russian guy offers to pay Puggy $5.00 to move the bomb from a truck to a storage room in back of the bar. He can lift it no problem - everyone else has to strain. The guy tells Puggy to come back later for more work.
Later, at night, Matt and his friend Andrew arrive outside the Herk's home, as do Henry and Leonard. While Arthur is trying to come onto Nina, the Herk's dog is being kept from eaten by the toad, who sprays something onto the dog that makes it think everything it sees is a steak. Henry tries to set up a shot, but is interrupted by Matt, who charges the home and just misses Jenny, and ends up getting tackled by Anna. Henry's bullet, however, does find a target - the TV, which really gets hit a lot, to Arthur's chagrin. Walter, Elliot, and Monica get called, and everything is sorted out while Henry and Leonard try to get away but are temporarily interrupted by Puggy, who ends up saving Nina, who had run outside. She looks up, sees the moon behind him, thinks he's Jesus, and falls asleep. She wakes up the next morning, and climbs down form the tree. She later brings Puggy lunch and they confess their love for each other. Anna, meanwhile, has gone to visit Elliot. They end up having sex.
Arthur, meanwhile, is at the bar where Puggy was, trying to get a nuclear missle. He pays $10,000 for the bomb, and then Puggy shows up, followed by Snake and Eddie, who rob the place - bomb included, since they think theres diamonds or something inside - and then take Arthur and Puggy hostage. They then head for the Terk's place, followed unknowingly by Henry and Leonard, who had earlier met with their employer and while there, broke two fingers on the hand of Elliot's client, who was smoking too much for Henry. That's one groups day.
The last group's day goes as follows. Matt and Andrew are talking at school. Jenny comes up and tells them that if they want to "kill" her, she'll be shopping that night, and they can get her then. They meet and work out the details of Jenny's death but before they do, a security guard who's almost as dumb as Snake and Eddie (Andy Richter) but not quite, sees Matt's gun, thinks it's real, and starts chasing them. Matt and Jenny go one way, and Andrew goes another. The guard chases Andrew, drops his gun that he's not supposed to be carrying, and trips. Andrew picks it up and starts running again. He bumps into Walter and Monica, and they figure out that he's Matt's friend. They head to Jenny's house, as do Matt and Jenny, who found their way back to Elliot's car. They all get there but Snake, Eddie, Puggy, and Arthur are already there. They tie them up with phone cords just as Anna and Elliot arrive.
They get tied up too, all of this to the amusement of Henry and Leonard, who are watching from outside. Unfortunately (at least from Snake and Eddie's point of view) there aren't enough phone cords, so they have to handcuff Monica and Arthur to a shelf.
While all this is happening, two FBI agents (Omar Epps and Heavy D) show up at the bar from earlier. They say to the Russian guy that if three switches are flicked on the bomb, than a timer will start on it. They leave and head for the Herk's house. Over there, Snake and Eddie have left with Puggy, Jenny, and the bomb. They throw Puggy and the bomb in the trunk, and Jenny in the backseat. After they leave, everyone but Monica and Arthur manage to break loose and head for the airport with Nina, again followed by Henry and Leonard. After those groups leave, the FBI guys show up and break Monica loose, but not before her and Arthur knock the shelf over, the only result of which is Arthur getting a massive dose of the toad's hallucinogenic gas,
which causes him to see the head of Martha Stewart on the dog (for some reason, the agents don't bother setting him free).
By now everyone is on the way to the airport, although due to some wreckless driving on Eddie's part, a truck carrying farm animals is overturned, thus causing them all to get out (this is where that scene with Walter saying "Was that a goat?" is). Everyone gets there except for Henry and Leonard, who eventually decide to forget the whole thing and just get out of Miami (a call in radio show with an idiot DJ has something to do with this decision). Snake, Eddie, Puggy, and Jenny head for a plane going to the Bahamas, but at some point accidentally activate the bomb. After some confusion, everyone gets down to that gate except for Walter, who has to endure a strip search from the cousin of the security guard who was chasing Andrew (the two had gotten into a scuffle). Snake, Eddie, and Jenny get onboard with the bomb after letting Puggy go, and Elliot chases after them. He manages to get on the plane, knocks Eddie unconscious, and then tries to knock the bomb out of the plane. He almost does it, but Snake grabs it, and Elliot has to knock Snake loose. Snake falls into the Gulf of Mexico, where the bomb safely detonates.
The plane heads back to Miami, and there we see that Elliot is reunited with Anna (who's getting a divorce from Arthur), Jenny is reunited with Matt (who finally respects his dad), Henry and Leonard are leaving Miami, and Snake gets put in jail, but finds a new friend (Dwight). As for Arthur, he is left dragging the shelf down the street, seeing everyone with the head of Martha Stewart and yelling "WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?"
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