I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL
NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by L
Two police officers are called to report to a domestic disturbance, with the possibility of a severe case of animal abuse. Neighbors are reporting noises which sound like an animal being cruelly abused. The police go and barge into the apartment and find Tucker Max having sex with a girl doggy style. The girl is screaming like an animal, and the officers assume that Tucker is raping her and throw him onto the floor. The girl, who was just denied her orgasm, yells at the cops who shake their head in disgust when they realize that she was making the noise because she was deaf.
The next day, Tucker arrives at his college and meets his friend Dan in their law class. Dan is getting married next weekend and Tucker will be throwing Dan’s bachelor party along with their friend Drew. He tells Dan about how the cops burst in and interrupted the sex, while Dan notes that since Tucker screwed a mute girl last semester, he is one disabled person away from a “Helen Keller.” Tucker laughs at that and his law professor calls him out on the fact that he isn’t paying attention. Tucker boldly states to his professor (and the class) that he wasn’t since he was telling his friend about how he slept with a deaf girl. The professor thinks he’s joking and then begins to grill him about whether or not people suffering from dwarfism should be protected by law. Tucker easily counters the professor’s argument by pointing out that “midgets already have protected status.” The professor then mentions a midget stripper he represent pro bono to illustrate a further point, but once Tucker hears about the midget stripper he begins making arrangements. Tucker immediately leaves to go to Drew.
Drew (Jesse Bradford) is in his room playing Halo online in his special chair when Tucker calls him. Drew continues to play, barely reacting to the fact that Tucker is coming over. Tucker arrives at Drew’s door and see’s a box with his ex-fiancé’s belongings with the label “Take what you wish since her Box is open to all.” Drew was recently dumped by his slut of a fiancée, whom he walked in on giving a blow job to Paul Wall, the Grillionaire. As such, Drew has become embittered and spiteful toward women. Tucker tells Drew to come out with Dan, and Drew reluctantly agrees.
Tucker hits on the waitress and she flirts with him back. When Dan arrives, Tucker smacks her butt and says that it’s time for “man talk.” The bartender is disgusted by this and tries to cut Tucker off, but Tucker just uses the waitress to get more booze. He insults the bartender, and when the bartender tries to go and beat him up, Dan steps up and intimidates the bartender with his imposing figure. Tucker then starts to persuade his friends to change the venue of the bachelor party. He wants to go to a strip club where there are no limits, and you’re allowed to touch the strippers. Tucker tells them that it is in Salem, a town 3 hours away from where they are. Dan is reluctant but Tucker talks both Dan and Drew to go through with it. As they leave the bar, Tucker gloats to the bartender and the bartender awkwardly yells that he fingered the waitress.
Tucker drives Dan to his house where Dan’s fiancée Kristy is going through the seating chart. Kristy mentions that her mother is coming in that night which upsets Dan because Dan thinks that Kristy’s parents make everything incredibly lame and wouldn’t allow him to have a bouncy castle at their engagement party. He then packs to go to Salem for the bachelor party, which upsets Kristy. She asks why he always puts Tucker in front of her, which Dan points out is untrue. He lists all the things he sacrificed to be with Kristy and that he wants to have fun for once. The situation gets tense, and Tucker decides to go into the house. He notices the couple fighting and times his entrance. He makes it sound like Dan was lying about going to Salem and then promises Kristy that they wouldn’t be going. He promises to have her back before she wakes up. However, as soon as they leave the house, Tucker starts driving to Salem.
As they drive, Dan expresses the fact that he is uncomfortable lying to Kristy. Tucker dismisses it and the trio continues their drive. As they randomly converse, Drew starts to complain about his hunger and demands a “pancake-wich.” Tucker scoffs at Drew and Drew delivers a rant about how tasty the Pancake-wich is. They stop and get them and continue off to Salem.
When they arrive, Tucker’s first attempt at finding the strip club takes them to a crappy bar. Tucker shrugs off asking for directions by stating he was drunk the last time he visited the strip club. This assuages Dan’s discomfort and the trio goes to a different bar. They quickly find another bar where a bachelorette party is being held. The trio makes friends with the group, but an uptight prude consistently annoys Tucker. Tucker insults her to the point where the bachelorettes become offended. That, combined with Drew’s constantly misogynistic remarks, drives the girls away.
After leaving the bar, the trio finds the strip club. A stripper goes over to Drew, but Drew easily scares her away with his comments about rape, murder and child abuse. As the trio drinks and engages in debauchery, one stripper named Lara impresses Dan and Tucker by not only keeping up with Drew but brutally trumping Drew’s insults with her own. Dan and Tucker are so impressed they pay her 200 dollars to keep insulting Drew. After further rounds of insults, Lara challenges Drew to Halo, and goads him into leaving the bar with her. As Drew is preparing to leave, Kristy calls Dan. She and her mother are shopping for a bouncy castle and Kristy wants to know how the bachelor party is going. As they are talking, the announcer introduces “the best stripper in Salem” which Kristy hears and alarms her. She asks where they are and when Dan lies, he asks Tucker to back him up. Tucker instead has Drew take the phone and Drew flat out tells Kristy they went to Salem before leaving. Dan tries to do damage control but it is clear Kristy is pissed.
Dan starts drinking out of anger with Tucker doing nothing to help. Tucker sees a girl and goes to hit on her, leaving Dan alone. Dan starts drinking when the proprietors of the club call him over since he is the bachelor of the night. Dan drunkenly stumbles over to the stage and a bunch of girls are about to give him a special dance. They grab his pants and Dan, shocked, elbows a girl in the nose. She bleeds and pushes him off the stage and he lands on a table with glasses. The bouncers throw him out of the club and Dan walks around in a drunken stupor. He eventually gets arrested for peeing on a dumpster and mocking policemen.
Lara drives Drew to her place. Before they go inside, she tells them that she has a kid. They continue to trade insults, but Drew is visibly moved when he meets Lara’s son, Jack. He teaches him how to set an L shaped ambush and the two bond. After Jack goes to bed, Lara beats Drew thoroughly at Halo. Drew tells her that she’s doing a good job raising her kid and explains that as a child he was sent to his room and ignored by his parents. They come to understand one another and end up having sex.
Dan, in the drunk tank, rants and raves about how he shouldn’t be there. In his drunken state, he tries to organize a prison riot with the pendejos. Two cops enter the drunk tank and knock him out (giving him two black eyes to match his cut face). When Dan comes to, he has crusty vomit in his hair and most of the pendejos are gone. He tries calling Drew and Tucker, but they are both sleeping after getting laid. Dan calls Kristy, but Kristy’s mother picks up and when he tells her that he is in jail, she just hangs up on him without telling Kristy what happened.
The next day, Tucker picks up Drew and both find voicemails from Dan. They bail him out and take him to get breakfast where Tucker regales them with the tail of how he seduced the midget stripper and went to her place and had sex with her. When Tucker lets it slip that he had never been to the strip club before, Dan loses it. He expresses the fact that he may not even be engaged anymore because of Tucker’s desire to sleep with a midget. He attacks Tucker but Drew breaks up the fight. Dan takes a bus back to Kristy while Drew and Tucker drive back themselves.
Dan begs Kristy for forgiveness and tells her that he’s sorry. She takes him back and helps him clean up, but when her mother expresses disapproval, Kristy takes a stand and dismisses her mother. With the wedding a week away, the two get right down the business. Drew asks Tucker if he has apologized yet, but Tucker says that he will do it at the hotel before the wedding.
The next week Tucker, Drew and Dan all prepare for the wedding separately and fly out to an Embassy Suites hotel before the wedding. Drew brings Lara and Jack as his guests. Tucker goes stag. Tucker goes to Dan and Kristy’s room to apologize but Dan doesn’t think it’s sincere, shrugs it off with a “whatever” and leaves the hotel room. Kristy scolds Tucker and tells him that the apology wasn’t sincere and that’s why he was uninvited from the wedding. Tucker asks why she’s uninviting him, but she makes it clear that she doesn’t care if he’s invited or not. This makes it clear that Dan is the one who doesn’t want him at the wedding.
Tucker, clearly a bit down, calls Drew to ask to go out drinking but Drew declines in order to see if his relationship with Lara can last. Tucker goes to a bar to drown his misery. He goes to a bar where he sees a young woman “talking” to a turtle. He asks if it is telling her to kill the fat girl by the bar, but when she gets upset, he says “why are you angry, fat girls aren’t real people?” The girl by the bar hears that and Tucker and her get into an argument. When Tucker turns his back on her and places his drink on the bar, she puts eye drops into his drink (a la Wedding Crashers). The fat girl and her companion leave, while Tucker takes his drink and heads to the bathroom.
While waiting in line, he notices a very attractive woman in a red dress. They flirt and she mentions that she is married, but Tucker doesn’t care and let’s her drink some of his beer. They hook up in the bathroom and Tucker takes her back to his hotel room. However, before they can have sex the tainted beer takes hold. The woman goes into the bathroom and clogs the toilet with her massive diarrhea. She abruptly leaves, leaving Tucker with a desperate need to take a dump.
Tucker takes the elevator to the lobby and asks the manager for the bathroom. He runs in the large lobby and can’t see where the bathroom is. He runs to what looks like the bathroom and sees the janitor in her office. She points him in the direction of the bathroom. He waddles toward it but only makes it half way as he starts to crap himself. He craps all over the floor until he makes it to the bathroom and clogs the first toilet. Once he moves over to the next stall, he sees that there is no toilet paper, so he uses his shirt to wipe himself. He leaves the bathroom naked and sees the janitor with tears in her eyes, looking at the crap spread all over the floor. Tucker then goes to the elevator and stares at his reflection, hoping that they serve beer in hell.
The next morning, Dan gets married to Kristy. At the ceremony Dan’s brother (the real Tucker Max), Dan’s best man, gives a speech congratulating Dan. Tucker listens and then goes over and takes the mike from him and delivers a speech. He recounts the events in the lobby, and tells the crowd that he realized then that he never cleaned up his own shit before until the night before, when the maid went upstairs and made Tucker literally clean his own shit. He tells the crowd that Dan was his best friend and that he had been cleaning up Tucker’s shit for a long time. He apologizes and brings the wedding parties outside to look at the large bouncy castle he ordered for Dan.
Dan accepts Tucker’s apology and he, Tucker and Drew jump into the bouncy castle. Afterwards, Drew calls bullshit on Tucker’s story and Tucker tells his friends that instead of helping the janitor clean his shit, he just gave her money instead. Tucker then sees a hot blind girl and goes to seduce her and attain the Helen Keller. Dan says “That’s my cousin…” and he and Drew follow him.