movie trailer (apple.com - quicktime)
NOTE: This spoiler was sent in by Insomniac Driver.
The film opens up in a bar where everyone seems to have a good time, socializing with friends and having
drinks a plenty. Then we see a man sitting by himself in the back, dressed in a Santa costume. This man is
Willie (Billy Bob Thornton), and he loves to drink. We next see Willie vomit in the alleyway.
In voiceover, Willie explains how miserable his life is and how much he hates little kids sitting on his lap. He also explains how he had a bad childhood, and why his father used to beat him just because he was "a mean son of a bitch". Anyway, we next see Willie at a mall with his little elf friend, Marcus (Tony Cox).
Several kids tell Santa Willie what they want for Christmas, but Willie could care less about them. He barely listens to them, rushes them off of his lap, and remains constantly drunk. He even pisses all over himself in his Santa costume. As the mall closes, we see everyone leave their stores and jobs, including Willie. A security guard sets the security system to arm itself in 20 seconds.
In one of the stores we see a little snowman get up and run throughout the mall. After he slides down the escalator, he reaches the main store and disarms the security system. This is of course Marcus, and he lets Willie back into the store. While Willie breaks the mall's safe, Marcus walks throughout the main store with a list and steals every item on the list. After Willie cracks the safe, they collect the money and go out to celebrate
Willie then tells Marcus that he's retiring. From now on, he's going to go straight and go to Miami with his share. Marcus tells him that he'll call him the same time next year, and he knows that Willie will be so pathetic/poor that he will agree to another job again. Willie talks about how he's going to own a bar and be happy in Miami.
We next see Willie in Miami behind a bar fixing a drink. A bartender approaches him and tells him to get the hell out of his bar. It's apparent that Willie does not own the bar and after he gets a free drink, Willie makes a run for it. Miami wasn't what Willie expected it to be. He's still not happy and he doesn't pay all of his bills. He wakes up listening to holiday music. Annoyed, he smashes his alarm clock and listens to his messages. One is from Marcus, telling him that it's that time of year again and to meet him in Phoenix.
Willie and Marcus now approach their new mall. Marcus tries to keep a low profile and keep it cool, while Willie (obviously drunk) throws an empty liquor bottle at a random car in the parking lot. As they are walking into the mall, a fired Santa is walking out pissed off at his replacement. Willie and Marcus then meet the mall's meek/good-natured owner Bob Chipeska (John Ritter).
While Willie eyes a woman's ass walking by, Marcus talks with Bob about how much they love kids and how good they perform their jobs. When Bob asks Willie something, Willie completely misunderstands and takes it as an insult. He then asks Bob if he has a problem with Willie's "fuckstick". Bob, horrified that he said a profanity in front of some kids, begins to rethink the new Santa and elf. Marcus reassures Bob that they really are good people, and that Willie is just misunderstood.
Marcus is now at Santa's chair in the mall, with several little kids eagerly awaiting jolly old Saint Nick. Marcus tells him that he'll be there real soon. He asks another elf if she's seen the new Santa, and she tells him that he's passed out in the back. Marcus goes in the back to find Willie piss drunk and loaded. He gets mad at Willie and tells him to get out there and be nice to the kids.
Willie is definitely not nice to the kids. A kid asks for a toy, and Willie asks him "what the fuck is that?". Another elf takes pictures of Willie and the kids, which he hates because its always at a bad moment. Later that night, Willie goes to a bar and drinks himself away. He makes some small talk with the bartender Sue (Lauren Graham).
Willie tells her that he hates kids and that there is no Santa Clause. He tells her that he's just a walking, talking, fucking guy in a Santa costume. She tells him to prove it. We next see them having sex in Willie's car.
Sue tells Willie that she never celebrated Christmas when she was young, because she was Jewish. She remembers hearing all about Santa and she thought of Santa as a sort of forbidden thing. That's why she has a thing for Santa, hence she has a thing for Willie. They part ways after an awkward goodbye.
The next day at the mall, Bob talks to Gin (Bernie Mac) about Willie's profanity and behavior. Gin is in charge of the mall's security, and he assures Bob that Willie's harmless. Meanwhile, Willie is still having annoying kids sitting on his lap, telling him what they want. A chubby little boy sneezes out his chocalate ice cream, with some snot, all over Willie's face and beard, which doesn't put him in a good mood. At that same time, we see another chubby boy getting off of a bus and walking to the mall. He's constantly made fun of by skateboarding punks, who call him "lardass" and "fatass". The Kid (Brett Kelly) sometime later visits Santa Willie and doesn't say a word.
He then pulls down Willie's fake beard, exposing the impostor. The Kid asks him where the real Santa is, and Willie tells him that he's sick. The Kid asks him where his reindeer is, and Willie tells him that they are all in the shop getting fixed. Before The Kid can ask another question, Willie sends him on his way.
The Kid waits outside the mall until it closes. He follows Willie to the bar where Sue works at. As he is drinking in the bar, he sees a strange man glaring back at Willie. Willie, freaked out, asks the man what the fuck is he looking at? As Willie walks to his car in the parking lot, the man from the bar approaches him, confessing that he hasn't taken his medicine pills yet. He then proceeds to mock Willie as Santa and strangely begins to hump Willie with his clothes on. The Kid appears and gets the man off of Willie. He walks away with no explanation. Willie asks The Kid what he's doing there, and The Kid asks some more questions about Santa.
He agrees to drive the boy home, since he has no ride. On the way to The Kid's house, Willie makes up a bunch of crap concerning Santa, elves, and reindeer. Willie eventually arrives at The Kid's house. He realizes that The Kid is a bit slow in the head, and walks him into his house. The Kid says that both of his parents are not home, and that only his grandmother and him live there. Willie decides that it's absolutely perfect and puts on a ski mask, ready to rob the place blind. The grandmother comes and greets Willie, even asking him if he wants a sandwich. Willie, bewildered, asks The Kid if his father has a safe.
While Willie is taking money out of The Kid's dad's safe, he tells him that he needs the money for the repairs for the reindeer. Willie asks The Kid if his father has a car. Willie then leaves the house in a brand new fast car.
The next day at the mall Bob is walking through a women's store when he hears moans and groans coming from the dressing room. Bob comes right up to the door and looks down to find a woman's legs in front of old Santa Willie's legs, having sex. Willie groans and tells the woman that she won't be able to shit right for a month. Bob, disgusted by this sexual act, leaves immediately. Later we see Marcus and Willie in Bob's office, where Bob reveals that he is going to start looking for a new Santa, on account of Willie having sex with a husky woman in the dressing room. Marcus takes this as discrimination against "little people" and takes offence. Bob, who doesn't know the correct term for midgit, tries to defend himself but fails miserably. Bob, fearing a lawsuit from midgits, just tells Willie and Marcus to forget their little conversation and to resume their jobs.
Later on Bob tells Gin to find something, anything, dirty on Willie. That night as Willie is driving into his motel's parking lot, he sees someone with a flashlight in his room. He thinks it the police, so he calls up Marcus and tells him what's going on. Marcus tells him to ditch his place, since there's nothing in Willie's room anyway. Willie, fresh out of places to go, goes back to The Kid's house and crashes there.
The Kid asks him if he wants a sandwich, but Willie refuses. The Kid constantly asks Willie questions about the North Pole and the reindeer, even while Willie is taking a bath. Willie says that Santa's wife caught him fucking his wife's sister, and that's why he's staying at his place. Willie goes to sleep.
The next morning, The Kid wakes up Willie to give him some breakfast. Willie reluctantly accepts. Then The Kid busts out his Christmas board. He explains to Willie that everyday your supposed to open a different little box to receive a candy. Then the little box has a part of the Christmas story on it, so on Christmas you will have the whole story with you. Willie says that it's a fucking awesome story and goes off to work.
Marcus once again is in his elf costume, telling the little kids in line that Santa will be there soon. Meanwhile, somewhere else in the mall, Gin catches a kid shoplifting a game for X-Box. He makes the kid return it, and keeps the kid's MP3 player as punishment.
One night, after having sex with Sue, Willie gets drunk and destroys The Kid's Christmas board, eating all of the candy inside. The next morning he realizes what he's done and actually seems sorry.
Willie still stays at The Kid's house, and he even has sex with Sue in the house's hot tub outside. Everything is going fine. Marcus's girlfriend goes "shopping" and begins to make another list of items that she wants for Christmas. The Kid goes to the mall to visit Willie but the skateboarding punks gang up on him an give him a massive wedgie. The Kid walks up to Willie and tells him that he wants a stuffed elephant for Christmas.
Willie tells The Kid that he needs to learn to stick up for himself. He tells him that he shouldn't take any crap from anybody. Willie sends The Kid home and asks for the next kid. The next kid is Gin, and he wants to talk to them.
Gin tells Willie and Marcus that he's found out about their holiday robberies and their routine. Instead of turning them in, Gin wants half of whatever they steal this year. He'll turn a blind eye to their robbery only if he gets 50% of profits. Marcus and Willie have no choice but to accept the offer.
One day Willie wakes up to hear The Kid screaming. He goes to find out what's going on. The Kid accidentally cut himself on something, so Willie pours some alcohol on the wound. He helps bandage The Kid's hand and later on makes some "toastadas", which consists of just burnt pieces of bread with some salsa on top. The Kid asks where his Christmas board is, and Willie tells him that it's in the hallway. The Kid brings in his board, which is now out of order, and thinks that someone messed with it. All of the pieces are badly glued back together.
The next day Willie comes to work passed out on the escalator. When he comes to, he can barely walk in a straight line. Drunk, he destroys the nearby decorations, including the donkeys. He passes out on his Santa chair, and all of the kids run away with their parents. Gin comes over and orders Marcus to drive him back to his place. Marcus asks him how's he supposed to do that, since he can't even reach the pedals to the damn car. Gin and Marcus then get involved in an insult war.
The Kid comes into the kitchen to give Willie his report card. He asks Willie if he thinks he did a good job. The Kid got straight C's except for one B-. Willie then finds out The Kid's name: Therman Hermann. In a fit of being pissed off, Willie tells The Kid that he's not Santa. The Kid tells him that he knows. He just wanted to get a present this year because he never got a present the previous years from Santa. Willie honestly feels sympathy for The Kid, and the boy leaves the kitchen.
The Kid one day comes into the garage to find Willie just sitting in there with the car on. He gives The Kid a letter to give the police when they arrive to bag up Santa. He then notices that The Kid has a black eye. Pissed off, he goes to the skateboarding punks and beats them up. Willie, along with the help of Marcus, teaches The Kid how to defend himself. It ends, though, with everyone hit in the balls and on the floor, screaming out in pain.
Later that night Gin is driving home when he sees Marcus standing in the middle of the road. Marcus tells him that his girlfriend and him are having some car problems. Gin reluctantly helps them start up their car. As Gin stands in-between the two cars, Marcus gives a signal and his girlfriend drives her car in reverse, crushing Gin.
Also that night Willie and Sue prepare to have sex yet again when The Kid walks in and gives Willie his present for Christmas. It's some type of wooden thing, and Willie notices that there's blood on it. The Kid cut his hand when he was making Willie's present. He thanks him, and The Kid leaves. Willie, no longer in the mood for sex, decides to help out The Kid this holiday season. So with the help of Sue, he helps decorate the house, even participating in the neighborhood's decorations. The Kid asks Willie if he wants a sandwich, and he tells the boy that he wants a bunch. Then he says that he has to go talk to somebody at the mall and that he'll be back for dinner.
It's now closing time at the mall. Marcus managed to locate the air duct that leads directly to the security room earlier in the movie. He moves into the duct and disarms the security system once again. This time, when Marcus lets Willie in, they both stop at the safe. Willie knows exactly what kind of safe it is: unbreakable. Marcus orders Willie to break into the safe, clearly knowing that he might not be able to do the job. Marcus goes off to once again collect everything that is on his girlfriend's list. After an extensive amount of work on the safe, it opens and Marcus collects the money.
Willie goes off to find the stuffed animal that The Kid wanted. When he finally finds it, he turns around to find Marcus and his girlfriend with all the money and stuff, and with a loaded gun. Marcus tells him that Willie had it coming to him for a while now. He also tells him that Gin is dead. Willie isn't pissed off about dying, though. He's pissed that The Kid won't be able to get his present from Santa this year. Willie finally learns his lesson about Christmas. Before Marcus can kill Willie, though, the police come out of hiding and a shootout ensues. Willie, convinced that The Kid called them, escapes in his car with the stuffed animal while Marcus and his girlfriend are left in the shootout.
Willie, absolutely determined to give The Kid his present, drives to his house with the police right on his back. As he runs to the front door, the police shoot Willie in the back numerous times. Dying, Willie still crawls to the door but finally stops with the animal in his hand. The neighborhood kids saw everything and they all scream in horror that Santa was killed by the police.
In voiceover, we learn that Willie is still alive, even though he was shot eight times. He writes a letter to The Kid, explaining what happened to him. Marcus and his girlfriend got arrested by the police and are now at the same jail that The Kid's father is at. All of the bullets that were in Willie missed all vital organs except for the liver, which was already fucked up due to his excessive drinking. Willie sent The Kid his present, even though it was covered in blood. But since The Kid's present had blood on it also, it cancels itself out. Sue became the legal guardian of The Kid, since she liked him so much. She's his guardian until his father returns in a year. Willie tells The Kid to get those sandwiches ready, because as soon as he's well he's going to go visit him.
The Kid is outside his house working on his bike when the main skateboarding punk approaches him. The punk tells him that since there's nobody around to defend him, he's going to get beaten. Then The Kid kicks the punk in the balls and beats him a little more. The Kid rides off on his bike and gives the punk the middle finger.