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MEN IN BLACK 3

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NOTE: This spoiler was submitted by Dukes

The film opens with a shot of a sexy girl in an S&M-type costume entering a maximum-security facility.  She is carrying a cake to an inmate named “Boris the Animal” (Jemaine Clement).  As she walks down the hallway, the cake squirms a little.  The guards scan the cake and it appears to be all “organic material,” so they let her through.  Apparently Boris has been in jail for the last 40 years, and this girl has been writing him fan letters.  She is a little shocked to see him in real life, as he is huge, craggy, shark-toothed, and missing one of his arms.  He kisses her with his extremely long tongue.

Boris asks the guards to cut his cake.  When the guard leans forward to do so, a small spider-like alien leaps out of the cake.  It shoots spikes into the guards’ foreheads, killing them.  It unlocks Boris’ many chains, then crawls inside a hole in his palm.  Boris says, “You complete me.”

Boris and the girl break into the arms room and steal a giant gun.  As they pass an adjacent cell, one of the prisoners says, “Boris, you promised to take me with you.”  Boris says, “Sorry Obediah,” and shoots him in the head with a palm spike. 

Dozens more guards are running towards the cell, but Boris shoots a hole in the ceiling and the guards are sucked out into outer space.  Boris uses the claws on his feet to hold on to the floor, so he is not affected.  The girl is being sucked out as well, and she tries to cling to Boris’ arm, but he callously lets her die.

Boris leaps out of the hole and lands on the surface of the moon, right beside the moon lander and the American flag.  The sign on the prison gates says, “Lunar Max Facility.”  Boris says, “Let’s re-write history, K.”

Cut to K (Tommy Lee Jones) and J (Will Smith), who are neuralizing a bunch of people who witnessed a flying saucer crash.  They head back to Men In Black headquarters, where K delivers a eulogy for the recently departed Z.  K is short and impersonal, and J is bugged because he thinks K is too closed-off - they’ve been partners for 14 years now, and they still barely talk.  J wishes he was closer to K becausse J lost his father when he was very young (huge foreshadowing, obviously).

Agent O (Emma Thompson) is the new chief of Men In Black, and it appears that she has some kind of history with K, but K won’t give J any details.  O sends K and J to check out a call about some humans who have been infected with alien intestinal worms.

Meanwhile, Boris heads to an electronics store run by Jeffrey Price, the son of Obediah Price (the inmate Boris killed on his way out of prison).  Boris demands that Jeffrey give him Obediah’s “device.”  Boris says, “I have to go back in time to kill a man before he takes my arm.”

Cut to K and J, who are checking out the intestinal worms issue at a Chinese restaurant.  J says, “Show us the tanks in the back.”  The proprietor of the restaurant has been serving alien meat to humans.  K notices an unusual type of alien delicacy that Boris the Animal loves to eat.  He knows this means that Boris has broken out of prison and has been visiting the restaurant.  He sees a bunch of thugs waiting in the dining room, but before he can formulate a plan, they start shooting at K and J. 

K uses his space gun to blow the thugs away, while J does battle with a giant alien fish from one of the back room tanks.  When K runs back to the kitchen, he sees that the restaurant proprietor has been shot with one of Boris’ hand spikes.  He races up to the roof to confront Boris.  Boris is about to shoot K when J bursts through the door, blocking the spike with the door.  J and K jump off the roof, using the door to break their fall.  Boris says, “You don’t know it K, but you’re already dead.”

K explains to J that Boris is extremely dangerous.  Boris (who hates being called “The Animal”) is the last Bogladyte left alive, and K says “Putting him away is the worst mistake I ever made.  I should have killed him.”  K demands that J stay away from Boris.

When J heads back to MIB headquarters, he tries to research Boris on the computers.  He learns that Boris is an assassin who was responsible for a bunch of alien murders on Earth on July 15th, 1969.  The Bogladytes were a race of destroyers who used to roam the galaxy, wiping out planets.  They were finally stopped by K, who set up the Ark Net defense system on July 16th, 1969.  The Bogladytes could not attack Earth, and they starved on their way to the next planet.  J tries to get more information, but the system shuts him out.

J asks O what happened with K on July 16th, 1969, and O says, “Something that changed him.  Leave it at that.  Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.”

Later that night, K calls J.  He is acting really weird.  He’s sitting at home on his chair with a giant gun in his lap.  He says, “Do you know what is the most destructive force in the universe?  Regret.”  Then he hangs up.  Seconds later, he is sucked into a space-time vortex.

When J arrives to pick up K the next morning, K’s apartment is occupied by a random lady with a bunch of screaming kids.  She says she has been living there for years.  At MIB headquarters, no one seems to remember K, and J has a new partner he’s never seen before (a cameo by Will Arnett).  J thinks everybody is playing a trick on him, plus he has a raging headache and a huge craving for chocolate milk. 

O thinks J is going crazy because she says that K has been dead for 40 years.  J says, “Then how do I know that he loves country music and he always says, “Why does this coffee taste like dirt – because it was just ground this morning?”  O sees J chugging chocolate milk, and she realizes he is suffering from space-time distortion.

J says he thought that time-travel was impossible, but O says it’s not impossible, just extremely illegal.  Obediah Price invented a device to time-travel, which is why he was in jail.

Just then, a bunch of alarms go off.  Apparently a massive Bogladyte fleet is on its way to Earth.  J tells O to activate the Ark Net, but nobody knows what he’s talking about.

J rushes out to find Obediah Price’s son.  Jeffrey Price admits that he sent Boris back to July 16th, 1969.  J demands that Jeffrey send him back in time to July 15th, 1969 so J can kill the younger Boris before the older Boris even shows up.  Jeffrey says, “How are you going to find the younger Boris?”  J says, “I know he killed an alien named Roman the Fabulist on the 15th, so I know where he’s going to be.”

Jeffrey takes J to the top of the Chrysler building.  To make a time jump, you have to jump off something really high and hit the device on the way down.  Jeffrey warns J to stay away from people he knows in the past.  Right before he jumps, J asks, “How come I remember K when nobody else does?”  Jeffrey says, “It means you were there!”  Before J can ask any more, the Bogladyte ships start destroying the city, and J has to jump.  He falls through time, past dinosaurs, the stock crash of the 1920s, and World War 2.  He lands in July 15th, 1969.

J has to get to Coney Island where the first murder took place, so he steals a car from a rich white dude and starts driving.  He is immediately pulled over by some racist white cops, but he neuralizes them and keeps going.

Meanwhile, Young Boris has located Roman the Fabulist at the Coney Island fair, and he demands to know where “the Arkadian” is.  He knows the Arkadian is about to give the humans the Ark Net to protect their planet.  Roman the Fabulist won’t tell.  Boris kills him, just as J rolls up.  J tries to shoot Boris, but he is intercepted by the younger version of K (Josh Brolin). 

Young K takes J to the old MIB headquarters and interrogates him.  He sticks J inside a giant old-school neuralizer until J admits that he is from the future.  J and Young K team up to track down Boris.  J notices that Young K is a lot more relaxed and fun than Old K, and obviously has a romance going on with Young O (Alice Eve).  He says, “What happened to you, man?” and Young K laughs and says, “I don’t know, it hasn’t happened yet!”

Young K noticed that Roman the Fabulist had a matchbook from a place called Cosmic Bowling Lanes, so they head there first.  However, the alien that runs the place has already been killed by Boris’ hand spikes.  Young K wonders what Boris’ victims have in common, and realizes they are both from the same solar system.  There is a third planet in that same solar system, a planet called “Glamouria” where all of Earth’s supermodels come from.  Young K and J head to The Factory where the supermodels hang out.

At The Factory, they interrogate Andy Warhol (Bill Hader), who is actually an undercover MIB officer.  He says that Young K got his information wrong, and the third planet in the solar system is not Glamouria, it’s Arkadia.  The only Arkadian on Earth is a guy named Griffin. 

Griffin (Michael Stuhlbarg) is at the party as well – he is super weird, because he can see all possible futures at once, but he’s never sure which one is about to happen.  He tells Young K and J that he has the Ark Net, but it’s hidden, because he knows that Young Boris is about to burst through the door.  He says, “See you at the game!” and takes off.  Seconds later, Young Boris busts through the door and Young K and J try to chase after Young Boris and Griffin, but lose them both.

Young K and J try to figure out what Griffin meant by “See you at the game!” and J realizes that the Mets are about to win the World Series for the first time.  They head over to the arena, where Griffin is watching a future version of the game.  He touches Young K and J so they can see the future for a second as well. 

Griffin is so distracted by the future Mets game that he forgets to monitor all the other possible futures, and Young Boris zooms in on a motorcycle and snatches Griffin.  Young K and J race back to the car to grab their own MIB space cycles, and they chase after him.  They use the “Texas Two-Step” move K taught J in the future to snatch Griffin and crash Young Boris’ motorcycle.  Young Boris manages to escape with what he thinks is the Ark Net.

Meanwhile, Old Boris has arrived in the past, the morning of July 16th 1969, and he heads to the warehouse where he knows his younger self likes to hang out.  He tries to warn Young Boris that he’s about to get his arm shot off, but Young Boris is pretty cocky and doesn’t want to listen.  Young Boris opens the box that he believes contains the Ark Net, and realizes it’s empty.  He is furious, and agrees to do what Old Boris says.

Back at the stadium, Griffin gives Young K and J the real Ark Net, which is contained in a little keychain.  He says, “It will get a lot bigger once it’s out in the atmosphere.”  Young K says, “How are we going to get it out there?” and J realizes that July 16th is the lunar launch.  They need to get to Cape Canaveral, Florida so they can stick the Ark Net on the lunar rocket.

They don’t have much time to get to Florida, so Young K, J, and Griffin grab some rocket packs from MIB headquarters and fly to Cape Canaveral.  Before they leave, J tries to convince Young K not to come because he knows something horrible will happen to K in Florida.  But Griffin says they have no hope of saving Earth without K.  J asks Griffin if there is any possible future where he can keep K safe, and Griffin says “Yes, but where there is death, there will always be death.”

When they arrive in Cape Canaveral, they are immediately stopped by a group of soldiers.  Griffin says they need to tell the soldiers the truth.  J tells the soldiers they are from the future, and the soldiers take Young K, J, and Griffin to their commander who is a young, handsome black man.  He seems like a really decent guy, but obviously their story sounds crazy.  Griffin touches his arm and shows him just a little glimpse of the future.  The commander takes them to the rocket.  He says they better hurry and get far away before the rocket launches.

While Young K and J are scaling the scaffolding to the rocket, they are attacked by Young and Old Boris.  Old Boris fights with J while Young Boris chases after K.  The rocket is about to launch.

Young K has reached the top of the rocket, but above him, at the very top of the scaffolding, Old Boris aims his gun at Young K’s head.  J yells “Boris!  Boris the Animal!”  Old Boris is pissed, because he hates being called “the Animal.”  He turns and fires his palm spikes at J, hitting him three times in the chest.  J runs at Old Boris, knocking them both off the scaffolding.  As they fall to the ground, J hits his time-travel device, taking himself back five minutes in the past.  Back at the top of the scaffolding, J yells, “Boris!  Boris the Animal!”  This time, he knows exactly where Old Boris will shoot, and he dodges all three hand spikes and shoves Old Boris off the scaffolding.  As he falls to the ground, Old Boris yells, “That’s impossible!”

Meanwhile, Young Boris is still fighting with Young K, and he’s super cocky, yelling, “I’m better than my future self!”  Just then, Young K shoots his arm off and Young Boris falls.  Young K attaches the Ark Net to the rocket, and with seconds to spare, Young K and J zip-line to safety.  The rocket launches, and Old Boris is obliterated by fire.

Young K thinks that J has already returned to the future, but J hangs around a few more minutes to make sure that nothing horrible happens.  As he watches from the bushes, Young K chats with the commander.  He says, “We could use a man like you at MIB.”  The commander says, “I wish I could.”  He seems sad.  He has seen the future, and just at that moment, Young Boris jumps out and shoots the commander in the head with his palm spike.  Young K pulls his gun and Young Boris says, “Go ahead, arrest me.”  Young K says, “Not this time,” and shoots Young Boris dead.

An adorable little black boy runs over and says, “Daddy, Daddy!  What happened to my daddy!”  Obviously it’s Young J.  Young K says, “There’s one thing you need to know, son.  Your father is a hero.”

J goes back to the present and finds Old K, who is alive and well.  J now knows that K has been watching him and protecting him his whole life, ever since his father was killed at Cape Canaveral.  They sit down in a diner and have some pie together.

As they leave, the camera pans so we see Griffin is sitting at the counter as well.  He says, “Oh no, is this the future where K doesn’t leave a tip?”  Zoom out to see a huge asteroid hurtling toward the earth.  Just then, K runs back inside and drops a dollar on the counter.  The asteroid crashes into a satellite and explodes before it can make it to Earth.  “That was a close one,” Griffin says.

a.w.


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