FIFTY SHADES OF BLACK
NOTE: This spoiler was submitted by Jeremy
The film starts with Christian Black (Marlon Wayans) going about his routine. This involves stealing a woman's purse, an expensive suit from a store, and a shiny sports car. He goes to his company, where he is interviewed by college student Hannah Steale (Kali Hawk). Her questions were made by her hood rat roommate Kateesha (Jenny Zigrino), so they consist of asking how much money Christian makes and if he's gay. Christian says he made his money through selling drugs, and he claims to have only done something gay once. Hannah leaves the building but her head gets caught in the elevator doors.
Hannah meets with her friend Jesse (Andrew Bachelor), who not-so-subtly wants to bang her. He agrees to do a photoshoot for Christian, which includes that Kim Kardashian pose with the wine glass.
Christian finds Hannah at the hardware store where she works, seeing her fellating a screwdriver. Hannah jokes that she thought Christian was a serial killer, to which he responds by listing off all the things a serial killer would have...before going to purchase all those exact items.
Hannah goes out to the bar with Jesse and Kateesha, and Hannah gets wasted. Jesse tries to use this as an opportunity to date-rape her until Christian arrives and tries to intervene. Unfortunately, Jesse kicks Christian's ass. Meanwhile, Kateesha meets Christian's brother Eli (Affion Crockett), AKA Weekday (because his hair is crazy like The Weeknd).
Hannah wakes up in Christian's apartment, dressed in new clothes. Christian shamelessly admits to undressing and redressing Hannah. He gives her breakfast, which is just a piece of toast that he licks repeatedly. Christian decides to take Hannah home, and they start making out furiously in the elevator in front of other people. When they get back to Hannah's place, they find Eli and Kateesha having sex. Eli stands up and shows his abnormally large penis.
Christian finds out Hannah is a virgin, which is considered to be unsurprising because everyone always tells Hannah how plain and ugly she is. Christian takes Hannah's virginity, but the sex only lasts a few seconds because he climaxes almost immediately. He wants her to allow him to perform S&M things with her and gives her a contract to look over. When they later discuss it, Hannah seems to be cool with all the weird things that Christian is into.
Hannah meets Christian's adoptive parents Gary (Fred Willard) and Claire (Jane Seymour), along with his adopted sister Mai (Irene Choi). Claire gives her kids racially stereotypical meals (Chinese food for Mai, despite her being Korean, and fried chicken & Kool-Air for Christian and Eli). As Hannah learns more about Christian's past, she finds out that his first sexual encounter was with a woman named Mrs. Robinson (Florence Henderson), who made Christian cry because he sucked so bad at sex. He also used to be a stripper but got laughed offstage because he had a baby dick.
Christian and Hannah get into more weird sex acts, including the S&M. However, Hannah decides to turn the tables and decides to be the dominant to Christian, which ends with her shoving a massive dildo up Christian's butt. As he lays crying in bed, Hannah tells him that he can't love. She leaves his home but gets her head stuck in the elevator again.
Christian follows Hannah and professes his love for her. They kiss, and he promises to take her on a trip. She thinks he's gonna take her on his private jet, but they fly coach on a noisy plane, right next to a sick man that pukes in his bag.